...spots...

Before you proceed reading this post, please read this wonderful piece of writing from Sensei. In fact, it is required. 

I'll wait...

I love this post, the way she wrote it, and most of all the tender meaning within it.  It's beautiful.  I asked if I could take her idea and write about the spot I'm most thankful for.  She kindly obliged.  So, my friends, let me introduce you to my favorite spot.  The spot where I feel most free, calm and uninhibited.  The spot where my soul can rest.  The spot where I can breathe.

Oceanside Beach, CA

Every summer my family takes a week and spends it here.  It is always the highlight of my summer.  This past year, after missing a few summer vacations, I was able to visit my spot three times.  It's been beautiful.

The first occasion we were with some dear friends.  It was wonderful to take them to my spot.  I even have a picture of Hanna playing in the sand, well eating the sand, in my spot.  We relaxed, we played, we enjoyed the warm air, the ocean breeze, and the waves crashing onto the shore.

Our second trip was quick, for a wedding, but we got to spend a few hours enjoying this spot.

Ah, but the third trip, sigh, it was perfect.  There is nothing more dear to me than time with my family, in my spot.  This is where my soul lives.  It's always a joy to go reunite with it from time to time.  It reminds me who I really am, my place in the world. 

Take a peek at my spot...

...ever mindful...

It's not a hidden mystery that I struggle this time of year more often than I do when it's a sunny, bright, 93 degrees outside.

Naturally then, I blame my current slump on the weather.

Naturally. 

The fact of the matter is, Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I am embarrassed to say that I tend to be more aware of my blessings come this holiday.  However, it is my goal to remind myself of all the good more often.  There is so much good.  There is so much to be thankful for.

I have a husband who is the most caring, strong and humble man I've ever met.  It's a well known fact that I manipulated him into loving me, but hey, win-win right?  Mmk, not so much for Studly, but I definitely came out the victor.  I don't know if I would have as much faith and strength had our situation been turned the other way.  I don't know if I could be the rock that Studly would need.  This is why I am grateful that the Lord is mindful and knows what we need.  From lost little's, to infertility, to brain surgery, this man has never waivered, never questioned, and never stopped loving me.  For that he deserves all the accolades in the world.  I love him with all of me, and while that might sound cliche, it's completely true.  The Lord was mindful of me when He brought me Studly. 

I have the most loving and wonderful family ever.  Ever.  While in my youth I admit that I took them for granted and did not realize them as a blessing, I do now.  My Dad and Mom are amazing individuals.  They have taught their children to love the Lord, to care for others, to be mindful and grateful of all we've been given.  My Dad is a quiet soul, and I take after him.  He doesn't realize that his calm and subtle example has influenced me more than anything else could.  I see him striving to be a genuinely good person.  I see the love he has for us and I feel unworthy to have such a father.  My Mom is fierce and strong.  There have been so many times I have lacked tenacity for the situations in my life and she has been my fire.  She loves with such a fierceness, yet she is so tender hearted.  She wouldn't admit it, but she is.  My mom has been a sounding board for me and always helps me work through my issues with rational thought.  (something i lack more often than not)  She cares so deeply for her kids, and I know that she is the reason I will make a decent mother.  Of course I have 3 siblings whom I cannot get enough of.  k2, k3, & k4, I love you.  You three are always there to keep me grounded, to remind me that there is more to life, that there is happiness, joy and adventure waiting for me.  You are examples to me daily, and I am proud of each of you.  I am.  To my extended family, I say the same.  I love you and I am thankful to be a part of this family.

To my friends, oh, I don't even know how to express my gratitude.  Just know that my love for you is deep and that will never change.  So many of our friendships have been borne from my struggles,  and some of you have been along for the entire ride.  Either way, each and every one of you is a blessing in and of itself.  I know that you are a direct answer from a loving Heavenly Father who has been mindful of my fervent prayers.  To each of you I offer my most sincere thanks as well as the knowledge that I am here for you as well.  There is nothing I wouldn't do for those I call my friends. 

While I might deny it later, I am indeed thankful for my struggles.  They have opened doors and presented opportunities that might have otherwise never came to pass.  I have had the blessing and honor of getting to know so many of you, and it's because of the trials I have been granted this pleasure.  This, alone, makes my struggles exponentially worth it.  I have gained friends, I have been offered compassion, hope, love, sounding boards,  and place to land when I fall apart.   (and oh, lately i fall apart often)  I have been reminded of sacred and precious truths, I have been taught, my eyes have been opened, and I am, indeed, thankful. 

Some days this is hard for me to believe, but we are allowed hard days.   I received a text from a dear friend that read,

'Even though it's a hard time {speaking of the holidays} everything is

trying to remind you about what's good'

The important thing is I do, eventually, come back to this realization.   She is right!  There is so much good! I have been blessed in my trials.  This is worth it.  I wouldn't trade anything that has come from my experiences for an easier way.  Yes, my heart aches.  I long for a child to call my own.  I long for a body that cooperates and doesn't think that brain tumors are the new 'in' thing.  Who wouldn't?  But, and yes, there is a but, these things have been for my good.  Oh, they have!  I have seen changes in myself that I know for certain wouldn't have been wrought had it not been for what I am going through.

I would not have been lead to this sweet friend had it not been for my trials.

I would not have the opportunity to stretch and grow.

I would not have the blessing of eventually becoming an adoptive parent.

I would not have the relationship I do with my Studly.

I would not have the same love for my sweet Maya.

I would not cherish Hanna's loves and kisses as deeply as I do.

I would not have a deep love for the gospel and for the blessing of eternal families.

I would not have the eventual opportunity to raise my precious little one.

I would not recognize my own strength and potential.

I would not love as fiercely.

I would not have found and cultivated my passion for writing.

I would not have learned the true meaning of empathy.

I would not have had the opportunity to grow closer to and truly come to know my Savior.

Which is, after all, a very important purpose of trials.  I know that I am well taken care of.  So many of you remind me daily that I am loved, cared for and thought of.  I see the hand of my Heavenly Father daily as I try to become the person He wants and needs me to be.  This is no easy task, for any of us, but He knows that we are trying our best.   

He is aware.

I am thankful for this knowledge.

I nabbed this quote from Sensei's photography blog.  {take note that this is her old website, and that her current and most fabulous website can be found here}  This lady finds the most amazing quotes.

I feel like it sums everything up perfectly...

“That which causes us trials shall yield us triumph: and that which makes our hearts ache shall fill us with gladness. The only true happiness is to learn, to advance, and to improve: which could not happen unless we had commence with error, ignorance, and imperfection. We must pass through the darkness, to reach the light.”
                                                                                      -Albert Pike 

What are you thankful for?

more on my faith here.
more on thankfulness here.

hmmm, maybe you can consider this my come back post.

...out to lunch...

I'll be back soon.

Promise.

Do I still have some readers out there?

...hiatus...

I have derailed.

It's so messy that I require a new medication, along with changes to previous medications to help me get back on the tracks.  (thanks for helping me get that figured out jenny)

I'm doing fine, but might be taking a break from the blog until I can breathe steadily on my own again.

I apologize.

I'm not at my best.

love you all.

...kickdrum beating in my chest again...

I cannot manipulate outcomes.

This phrase has been playing on repeat in my head for a couple days now.  (credit for that phrase goes to sensei.  she is full of wisdom)  

I feel anxious during most of my waking moments, and sleep is hard to come by.  I have done well when it comes to keeping my feelings and struggles with infertility at bay, but lately I am losing my ability to move through it.  It's such a complex situation.  Even when I have other situations and things in life keeping my attention, infertility waits patiently and quietly.  Knowing that eventually I'll make my way back  In the quiet moments when the fog from the world clears, infertility reminds me I am without.  That I hurt so bad emotionally that I begin to ache physically.

That my arms are empty, and my heart is suffering.

Some days this is simply too much for me to handle.

I have been working on stretching my brain to accept the Lord's time frame.  (yet more wisdom from sensei)  Most days I accept that it won't happen this year, or probably the next year.  That if it is the Lord's will to not happen, it won't.  Now, I'm not saying that I have given up hope, that is not the case in the slightest.  What I am saying is I hope for the opportunity to be a mother, but if in the end it doesn't happen, I can live with it and not be miserable.  This has been one of the hardest things to learn, and you know what, I'm still working on it.

Sigh, but that's most days.

Today is not most days.

Today I have had to remind myself on multiple occassions to breathe steadily.  I've had to practicallly yell at myself that, 'I cannot manipulate outcomes.' and beg myself to believe it.  I've fallen to my knees and attempted to beg for comfort, but all that passes my lips are sobs.  Most days I feel like I understand, to an extent of course, but today the feelings are raw.

You know what doesn't help?

This...

I went to the visit my doc. on Monday and I walked out with 4 new prescriptions.  I cannot tell you how much this feels like a kick in the gut to me.  While I am well aware that the meds I am given are for my benefit, it's still not fun to swallow a cocktail of different pills every night.  It's like a reminder that I am not 'normal' yet.  (what is normal anyway? can someone give me a good definition?)  My frustration builds as I think of why I am here.  Ugh, a brain tumor!?  Seriously!?  Who gets a brain tumor?  It just seems so random, so uncalled for.  (yes, I am indeed saying that with as much disdain as you are thinking)

Um, hold the phone, dramatic much?

I apologize for that outburst. 

Today, my heart cannot take this.  My arms cannot survive being empty.

It's true, courage doesn't always roar.

In my case?

It cries.

...to you, my friend...

I find myself in a place where I can't find the right words to express what I'm feeling.  This is rare, obviously, as I always have something to say.  However, I'm going to try, because what I want to say needs to be said.   

You need to hear it. 

I am oft times completely overwhelmed at how much the Lord has blessed me.  More specifically, I have been blessed with the most amazing friends.  Truly there is no lady luckier than I.

Right now there is one person on my mind.  A dear, sweet friend who is hurting.

I want you to know how much I love you.  Fiercely.  That when I say I know the Lord had a hand in our friendship, I mean it.  Most of the time I can't keep a friend for a day, and you've stuck around for years.  Despite the fact that you do keep your pain so well hidden, I know you.  I see it.  I ache for you.  I cry for you.  I pray for you.  There is nothing I want more than for you to feel comfort, to feel at peace, to be happy. 

You are so strong.  Sometimes so strong that others don't see what's really going on.inside your tender heart.  I know you are protecting yourself and you know what?  I do it too.  All the time, actually.  We all do. 

I'll never understand it.

What I do know is this:  You've got this.  It's in the bag, lady.  If anyone can do it, you can.

You are a miracle.

I'm not going anywhere.  I'm always here.  Even though I apparently can barely take care of myself some days, it doesn't matter.  When I say you can call me anytime, that means anytime.  I sleep lightly.  Plus, chances are, I'm probably awake at 3 in the am anyway.  

I wish I knew exactly what to say, how to say it, what to do, but unfortunately I fall short.

Please, just know that I love you.  So much. 

Nothing will ever change that.

You've got this, lady.

...peace amidst turmoil...

I spent my evening here.

I took a moment to step out of this loud world to find peace, comfort, and hope.

I was given the opportunity to serve.

I was reminded of precious truths.
I got hugs from someone I love.

I know that there is peace amidst the pain.

I know I can do this.

In this moment, I know I can.

Please, remind me tomorrow will ya?

info on temples and their purpose here

info on my faith here

...(insert scream here)...

confused?  read this.

...the unknown...

"And the worst part is

Before it gets any better

We're headed for a cliff

And in the free fall I will realize

I'm better off when I hit the bottom"

                                                                  -Paramore, 'Turn It Off'

Let's start with a  visual, mmk?  (do not judge me based on my drawing ability, especially in paint.)

This is where I'm at right now.

Now, I don't think I'm a stranger to said, 'cliff.'  In fact, I think we have met many a time during my short existence.  However, I will never be comfortable in this place.  I actually think that's the point.  You can't be stagnant on a cliff.  You either move backward, or you jump.

Eekers.

Right now I'm getting ready to jump.  No parachute, no idea on what awaits me, but I'm gonna do it.  I swear.  On the count of three.  1...2...

Wait, maybe the count of 5?

I know this metaphor is quite cliche, but it makes the most sense to me.  (at least I'm not referencing Indiana Jones)  There are a lot of things going on here at, 'chateau de shumhead' and all these experiences and trials have lead me to the teetering edge.  Not in a bad way, but in a, now's the time to act in faith kind of way.  For those of you who have been readers here for a while, or that know me well in person, are aware that I have struggled in the faith department.  It's not something that comes easily at all to me.  It requires a lot of conscious effort on my part.  I know that acting on faith is never easy, for anyone, but I do think that some individuals have a gift in this department.  I admire them mucho.

These are the pivotal moments in life where you have to make a very real (and more often than not terrifying) choice to move forward (progress, stretch, learn, grow) or to walk away and cheat yourself out of experiences that can build a better you.  Confession: I have totally cheated myself more than once and I can honesty say I regret not having the faith and trust to make a move.  Or, rather, make the move that would be for my good.  (oh, I moved, I ran away from the edge of the cliff so fast...)  I missed out on experiences, relationships, lessons and most importantly, I missed out on becoming more of the person that Heavenly Father is trying (seemingly quite desperately with me, I learn slow) to mold me into.

You know what?

I'm not running away this time.

When all is said and done, I'm going to be grateful for this.

My hardest trials have lead me to the sweetest rewards.

A scripture from Alma comes to my mind.

Autn:ID - 13897

Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy. 

                                                                  -Alma 36:21

Powerful.

I see this as a promise.  A promise that if I endure my trials & experiences well, if I trust in my loving and ever mindful Heavenly Father (even though, yes, at times I feel completely forgotten), if I just KEEP GOING, I will (in HIS time, not mine, that's a whole 'notha post) experience this joy.

I know this.

The best part?

This applies to all of us.

We are better off when we hit the bottom.

Take a deep breath. 

On the count of 3.

1...

2...

3...

learn more about the book of mormon here

and more about my faith here

ps.  two great songs to check out today.  here and here.  no, really.  your ears with be grateful.