Sunday, October 14, 2007

Shelter Me Oh Genius Words

Just give me strength to pen these things...

I suppose this post due. Then again, like I read on some one's blog I don't even know, it's almost an 'unwritten rule' that you can't post anything negative. Blogs are contraptions to convince everyone that life is awesome, look at these great pictures, look at my fun survey, I'm just living the charmed life.

The price is wrong, oh so wrong.

As a waiver, this isn't going to be your run of the mill warm fuzzies post. (Wait, have I ever posted anything warm and fuzzy?) This is the honest truth, and I need to thank Camille, even though this girl has no clue who I am, because she gave me push I needed to get this out.

As a few of you might know, and many of you don't, this is the bottom line: Josh and I won't be able to have our own children. We have spent the past year unraveling this complicated and dynamic situation and as of this week we made the final decision to get off the 'fertility train' (they didn't have much to offer a girl with my list of struggles) and focus our efforts on adoption. It has honestly been the worst year of my short 'almost 23' years. Josh and I found out we were pregnant almost exactly a year ago. (Halloween) We were super excited but also super scared because there I was, knocked up. We had only been married 3 months! Oh well, you take what comes and run with it. Long story short, we lost the baby. On January 5th I delivered a baby girl, who we named Addalyn. This has been, at least for me, the hardest trial accompanied by the most intense pain I have ever endured. The next months were a struggle. I was bitter and angry and I was surrounded by chicks having babies. Every time I heard someone else was pregnant I wanted to, and I am going to take what Camille said because she said it so well, take a lamp and throw it through a window. Everyone said we were young, and not to worry, but I don't think people realized the extent of what Josh and I had to work with. Just 6 weeks ago, I lost another pregnancy at about 8 weeks. This experience brought in the final verdict: having our own children isn't an option. (Unless anyone out there wants to be a surrogate mother :)

This is a harsh realization, as the thing that we praise women for the most, especially in Mormon culture, is their ability to bear and raise children. I never had the mentality of a mother. I never really wanted to be a mom. I wanted school, career, traveling...but in January that all changed. There is nothing I want more now.

Of course, there is a lot more to this story which I don't have the energy to post. The fact of the matter is it sucks and it's hard. With the months and years to come I know that Josh and I will be blessed with what we desire. We are working with some resources we have and hopefully we can adopt sooner than later, but we know that this is going to be a long road. I still get bitter and I'm still angry and frustrated. Good days and bad days come and go but the reality remains the same. That can be a lot to digest sometimes.

I'm not sorry if this is depressing, some things in life are. We endure, we move on.

*Side note: Adoption can be about who you know. We would actually appreciate if you passed on the word that we are looking to adopt.


Geoff & Cali said...

Hey, blogs are about LIFE, which is not super happy all the time, so no need to pretend. Congrats on your decision to adopt Ken, and hang in there you are being strong! I'm always here for you if you need to have a chat! I love you!

Erin said...

McKenna - You are a great friend! And you are corageous to let everyone know what your biggest struggle in life is right now. I'll pass the word along and pray for your miracle baby!

Dshaw said...

My in-laws brother tried to have kids for 7 yrs and finally decided to adopt, they were able to adopt a little boy and then later his little brother (amazingly they look like their adopted Dad) They decided they were done when they finally got pregnant, they are having a little girl. Sometimes God needs you to adopt his kids. I am sorry for all you had to go through...Good LUCK!

Anonymous said...

Kenna, thanks for posting about your situation. This is Camille -- and thanks for posting on my blog I really appreciate it. We should all get together (you me and Erin) and get to know each other I have a feeling we could be good friends. We could at least get together and have a great pity party. :) I am glad you have chosen to adopt even though it can be a hard choice to make and a wonderful choice to make. Infertility makes you feel so many different emotions it is hard to catch up. After my last miscarriage in May the idea of adoption is the only thing that got me through the hardest part of it. I just thought - "wow, Heavenly Father does want me to have a child - through adoption". it was amazing but even now Eric and I don't know if we are ready to take that step. I know several women who have adopted and have talked with them a lot about it. If you want we could talk or i could give you their emails so they could tell you their story or something. Anyway, get my email from Erin or something. We should get together! --Sorry I just posted my own blog on your blog:)

Anonymous said...

oh and I added your blog to my friends list cause I plan on reading up on you a lot.:)

Steph said...

Hey there, I"m Camille's sister Stephanie. I am also married to a Josh! :) I like your blog and I'm glad you got a chance to write about what is really going on in your life. Maybe I'll write too now....not til tomorrow though, gotta catch up on all my other blogs :) Camille mentioned it, but we should all meet and hang out, I bet we would have fun.

Anonymous said...

Stephanie told me a bit about you on a different IF bulletin board. In this post you don't mention what the problem was, but Steph mentioned it. Here is a copy of my post to her:

"G whispered to me on another bb that you were asking about septum. I truly am very surprised that your friend's doctor won't work with her. I had a severe completely separate were the cavities that they thought I only had 1/2 a uterus at first. It took exploratory surgery to figure it out, and then two corrective surgerys to get it as good as it's gonna get! They had to 'remove' a very small portion of mine to access both sides, but then they don't really remove the septum, they cut it. As they cut it, it opens up because your uterus is like a balloon. They cut as far as they dare so they don't cut through the uterine wall. After surgery they will usually place a catheter w/a balloon on it to keep the uterus open as it heals and a lining grows. After a few days they remove the balloon and then they will check it out in a month or two to see if it stayed open. Once open, hopefully there is little to no part of the uterus that, once a lining developes, is lacking blood supply making it easier for implantation to occur. I had to have the surgery twice for it to work and still have some septum.

If your friend wants to talk, have her come here (Fertile Thoughts) and pm me and I will try to answer any questions she may have. I can't imagine her septum being too severe or not severe enough to not do anything about if she's been losing babies.

Oh....and fyi...i did have one RE that I consulted with. When I left he said to me, "Don't worry, no matter what we can find someone to carry your baby." I never went back to him!!! There are other doctors who will help, and septum surgery is one of the most often seen surgery's for uterine anomalies.

I feel for your friend as I have been in her shoes!!!


I have to add, I have found but ONE person who has gone through a similar thing to try to achieve a baby. I also have to add that I had 7 m/c's on the way too. If this is something you'd like to talk about with someone who's BTDT, please feel free to pm me at

((hugs)) to you, for the loss of your sweet baby girl and the heartache you've gone through!

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