Saturday, June 21, 2008

{...blah blah blah...}

Yikes. What a week.

I think an itunes spree is in order.

Right now I am anxiously awaiting a call from Jen, my docs assistant, with the results from my latest blood draw. I know they are back, I called and asked. Unfortunately I have to wait for Doc Carn to take a look at them. Sheesh, the nerve.

At my appointment this week Doc Carn showed me that my T3 (triiodothyronine) has spiked, and it could be on the rise. Also my blood pressure is a bit too high thanks to stress. Doc Carn said I need to de-stress my life. I asked him for a valium prescription. He said no, so I said tough luck on me lowering my blood pressure. I have some worries about my FSH levels (follicle stimulation hormone) being too high (normal is about 3, perimenopause 10-12, anything higher, kiss your eggs goodbye, they are fried) and not being able to stop the perimenopause. Of course, we are checking pretty much every hormone my body makes, so we'll see.

Still searching for answers, ya know?

You know what else? It's getting old.

Lately I find this all emotionally taxing. Well, not lately, it's more like all the time, but my ability to compartmentalize and cope has disappeared. I do really well for a while, then I crash. Then I have to build myself back up again only to hit harder the next time. This is how infertility works people. Lots of dashed hopes, broken dreams and even more self re-building. Infertility is another word for hell. (you can insert any word you want, we all have our own personal 'hells') So, I find myself in the re-building stage right now. Josh and I have to pick up all the pieces, again. Again.

So whilst chatting with my pals today, Brad gave me a most awesome idea. I'm going to find a 'fertility god' statue, a fertility vase, and maybe even a fertility bowl. Um, it just crossed my mind that this could be filed under 'false gods' but maybe the real God can give me a courtesy 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card. I'm running out of ideas. Plus, it will also be an awesome way of getting people off my back. Brad, you are full of great ideas!

Speaking of the Warners, I'm proud of you Ash for starting a blog. I also want you to know that I just adore Sophie. I could hold that little darling all day long. I will be visiting soon. This only happens on rare occasions (India, Hadley, Hanna, Andrew, Emma, Shelby and now Sophie), trust me. That may seem like a lot of kids that I love, but when you think about the vast number of kids surrounding me, this is like 1%.

Lately the emotion that bombards me the most is fear. I've talked about how I have a snowflakes chance in hell of conceiving a child and it scares me. Something that should come so naturally, something that I should have a say in, I don't. I am completely unable to control whether or not we a.) conceive or b.) adopt or even end up with a child at all. Can you imagine? This has instilled the fear of God in me. All around me it's happening...for everyone else. Sure, you can give me, 'It's not your time,' or 'it'll happen when it's supposed to,' or even, 'You'll turn in your adoption papers and then get pregnant.' These don't work nor help.

This is so day by day, infertility. Actually, sometimes it's moment to moment. If I can make it through the next five minutes, I can carry on. I have to constantly tell myself this. Most of the time I say to myself, 'Kenna, make it to 4:30 (when I get off work) and you can go home and tank out on copious amounts of drugs, and forget about this for now.' Oft times it works. There are days where it isn't enough. There are days when there isn't anything that can calm the pain and ease my mind.

I know right?
Makes me tired too.


Lisa Shumway said...

Hello Deary! I'm sorry you're having such a hard time today. I just wanted to let you know about a book I've been reading that's really good.(Like you don't have enough to read right now.) Anyway, Its called "If life were easy, It wouldn't be hard" by Sheri Dew. It's pretty good and it helps to put some things into perspective. Love ya!

warner family said...

hey maybe the brain surgery was just Heavenly Father giving u an excuse to have all the drugs u needed to cope with the current crap and all its ensuing fun... just kidding, anyways soph told me she totally digs u too, actually i'm training her so her first word will be mckenna! ps this blogging thing is fun!

The Wendler Family said...

I hope the test results are good! And I like fertility accessories idea. Who knows, it might be just what you need! :) may you continue to make it to 4:30 every work day!

Shannon & Ryan said...

Kenna dear,
sounds like this hanging in there stuff is loads of fun (insert sarcasm at will). Long time no comment; sorry about that. I really do hope you are having a good Monday, though.
And I really hope that having the fear of God being instilled in your heart is coupled with trusting in Him, too. From personal experience, it sure does take a load off...
and that's all the 'advice' I've got. But it's good advice, eh? I'll stop talking now.

Kayla said...

Oh, goodness. I am sorry about everything! I know it doesn't help. If you need anything, let me know! I mean it! A shoulder to cry on, a meal, an alcoholic drink, you name it! ;)

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