Thursday, July 10, 2008

{...long awaited return...}

Cliff Notes : I have a 'come to Jesus' talk with myself, food poisoning is the best diet, and all the depression/infertility talk you can or cannot handle.

Looks like I am making my triumphant return, or whatever. Alas, you won't be getting 'witty-half-wasted-while-watching-the-food-network' Kenna today. You will more or less be getting 'off-narcotics-coke-zero-drinking-sleepy-iron-deficient-
thoughtful-in-my-own-random-and-oft-times-not-so-understandable-way' Kenna.

I apologize in advance.

So as the narcotics have cycled out of my body (thank you food poisoning...I never thought I would ever say that) I have begun to think a little more clearly. Hmm, imagine that. Living off of Rice Krispies (read:air) tends to cleanse your system. Perhaps the dreaded 'fp' was a blessing as I was feeling so friggin' horrible anyway that the 'detoxing' from 5 months of hard narcotics was not nearly as noticeable. Look at me and my bad self, finding the glass half full, or whatever.

I could also attribute my new found clarity to the new anti-depressant drug I have added to my daily pill regimen. That's right, Utah Valley, I have depression. Or as Doc Carn told me, 'You are mildly depressed, but if any one is going to have imbalances in their brain it's you.' He is quite positive that my serotonin is all sorts of messed up, and that would make sense. I'm not gonna lie Readers, this has been a hard thing for me to swallow. I have been able to separate myself from the typical 'Utah Valley Mormon' way of thinking in most areas, but depression confuses me. Now, don't jump all over me here (some of you might, I don't know, but I'm not some crazy Tom Cruise wannabe). I think depression is a completely valid diagnosis. People who battle depression are strong and very brave. I can tackle brain surgery, infertility, but depression seems to scare the hell out of me. I just beat myself up about it because in my swollen, scrambled brain I think I should be able to conquer this minus the meds. It's hard to admit that I cannot do this alone. My first reaction to this was, 'Chalk up another failure...' I think we tend look at our own trials and vices with a more scrutinizing eye than the struggles of anyone else. This is, of course, slightly asinine, but it's human nature.

Sometimes I want to say screw human nature. Then I kinda think about the whole 'overcoming the natural man' and I suppose technically, I'm suppose to toss human nature out the window and strive for something better. Something more 'God-like.' Or maybe this is another example of how much I do NOT understand the gospel.

Speaking of God (I know right? Awesome segway...) I have been thinking a lot about religion and God in general. I have had my ups and downs with my religion, I won't lie. At times it makes so much sense, and at times I think it feels so messed up. I have attributed the 'messed up' feelings (I know, I use some awesome descriptive words. I give my shrink all the credit for that) to 'mormon culture.' It's hard to separate the two sometimes. I really let it get to me and thus it messes with my already at times fragile and unstable belief and testimony. Like I have said in past posts, infertility completely clashes with typical 'mormon culture.' At times I feel completely isolated (I know I attribute to this), which is usually followed by the black pit feelings of not belonging. In a culture full of babies, in a religion focused on family, it's hard to find one's place when one is not able to attain said focus or chooses not to make it the main focus. (The most common word I hear in response to this is 'selfish,' but that's another post for another day.) In my constant search to find peace with my religion of choice and it's corresponding culture, I have come to one (...of I hope many...) conclusion...

I am taking all of this personally. Perhaps WAY too personally.

I know that God isn't up on a cloud throne thinking, 'You know, I think I'll pick on McKenna today,' (sorry if that offended anyone, I'm known for my blasphemous talk) even though some days I am quite sure that's how it goes down. When I hear statistics like '42% of single, unwed mothers choose to abort the pregnancy,' or 'more than 50% of pregnancies are unwanted,' and even 'almost 1/2 of single,young mothers chose to single parent their child,' I cringe. Then, I see cracked up mothers, fathers who strangle their new born, and I think, 'Seriously God? Giving me one won't even mess up your statistics!' (yes, I am aware of the whole 'growing and becoming refined' part of life, but that too is another post for another day) How can I not feel like this is a personal attack on me? I think I'm pretty normal (okay, minus the crazy pills). Josh is most definitely normal...most of the time. We are stable, we are loving, we WANT a child, but it just isn't happening for us right now. In my prayers I promise God that I'm not going to catapult my baby across the room with a homemade sling shot, no matter HOW much I want to.

On a lighter note, Josh and I are hoping to have dinner with Jeremy and Becky tonight. Jeremy emailed me a while pack in response to this post. They are such a wonderful couple, and they adopted darling Thomas back in 2006. You can check out their story via my blog roll. We are excited to meet them. In all the commotion that is my life, these are the moments where I think it might be worth it, and I catch a small glimpse of the infamous 'bigger picture.'

Until next time...


lauren said...

you are taking it all personally, but who in your position wouldn't? i just find it refreshing that you are coming to some substantial conclusions about your series of effed up situations and choosing to acknowledge that you must become personally responsible for yourself and your feelings.

i'm proud of you my dear, and though it saddens me when you are so stubborn about the church sometimes, i know it's because you aren't able to separate the culture from the gospel. i think you will be able to do so when you decide you truly want to.

and i know that when you and josh do at last become parents, these experiences will have prepared you for the incredible spirit that will reside in your home.

Kristen said...

Your post today made me think a lot of stuff. Here is some of it:

~I LOVE the Food Network.
~Mmmmm.... Rice Krispies....
~You totally just called everybody "Readers"! Hahahaha!
~'Mormon Culture' and I are not on good terms right now, either.
~If saying that God has a cloud throne is blasphemous, I'm in deep trouble (look at the link on my blog titled "These fireworks are, like, totally blowing my mind").
~60% of all statistics are true.
~When people talk about the 'bigger picture', I almost always think of Cameron in 'Ferris Bueller' when they're at the Chicago Museum of Art and he's looking at the Georges Seurat painting. Yes, the big picture is wonderful, but sometimes we need to look extra close at all the funny little dots to really appreciate what the big picture is all about. You know?

The Wendler Family said...

Depression sucks, big time. Its ok. It's not your fault. My doctor says that there are three things that cause depression. Your current situation, trauma/sadness in your childhood, and genetics/ family history of chemical imbalance.

If you have one, you're probably fine (though you may not be) without medicine. If you have two, chances are, you need help with some medicine. If you have a problem with all three- go get a prescription.

Not many people know that I take medication for it too. I have for more than the past 5 years. Doc in this case says its a genetic chemical imbalance in my brain so it doesn't function as it should. I have gone back and forth as you have. Wondering if I can handle it on my own--chose to be happy and deal with things and not take the medication. That's not the point though. The point is that we have medicine to help people today deal with depression so we can function and feel "normal". Its ok if you have to take medicine for it. I've been told by some that, "There is no excuse for taking medicine for mental illness; that its my relationship with my Savior that needs work."-- SOOOO messed up!

Anyway, I give you this link to a talk that helped me stay on my medication. (You may need to copy and paste it into your browser bar... it doesn't seem to be a live link here.)

It may help you deal with having to start medication for depression.
I'm glad for you that its just mild depression. Could be worse, right?

Reading your deep thoughts about pregnancy and such have really helped me/my attitude while being pregnant. It has helped me be thankful that I am pregnant at all. Even if I'm emotional, uncomfortable, unattractive, etc. Thanks for that.

Anyway, I love you Kenna! It was great running into you at the mall! Hopefully we'll run into each other again soon. :0)

Karen said...

I'm sorry things suck. Things tend to suck a lot lately, huh? I'm realizing that you and I are a lot more alike in many ways than I ever would have guessed, and I'll leave it at that instead of trying to tell you what I think you should do.

If you ever need help, let me know.

Tasha said...

Hey Guess what? We may be moving over by you guys! We will be neighbors through the back windows! ha! We need to get out of Starcrest FAST!! How was your 4th?

Heidi said...

Hmmm. . . I think one of the worst parts of Mormon culture is our inability to be honest about our doubts. You never hear ANYONE in church saying, "I'm really struggling with my testimony." It's always, "I KNOW it's true," or at the very least, past tense: "I was struggling, but now I'm triumphant!"

I think the problem that creates is that it makes those of us who have doubts feel like there's no place for us there; that church is a place for those who KNOW not those who want to know.

Sorry, you don't even know me and I'm just talking, talking, talking! But you know what I mean, right?

Cali said...

Hi Kenna. I agree with Heidi about the culture, and "the wendler family", about depression. There's totally nothing wrong with taking medication for it and whoever says you just need to work on your testimony to overcome it has absolutely no friggin idea!

Anyway, long time no chat. Hope to talk soon.

Jess said...

McKenna, I bet if you really asked all these women in the typical "mormon culture" you'd find a lot of people like you. I have been on depression medication three times in my life. Sometimes we show our faith in him by having the strength to accept that we can't do it on our own. It seems to me like it's harder to accept help than to struggle through on our own. McKenna, I know times are tough and sometimes in this "baby-rearing" community you feel lonely. But I personally know three people who are struggling with infertility. You are not alone, and I know you know this gospel is true. Having said that, I know this gospel is true, but there are still times when I question it. There are times when I listen to people bear their testimony and I think to myself I can't get up there because I don't feel like I have one. McKenna, I look up to you so much. I hope you know that I love who you are, I always have. You have such strength in you. Heavenly Father must have something extremely special for you to test you so heavily. Stay strong, and please know that I am here for you if you ever need me. Even if you just need someone to listen to you. Well, this comment is long enough. I love ya!!

Blogdor said...

Living outside of Utah has really opened my eyes to the fact that mormon culture has nothing to do with the gospel. In fact, most things nurtured and coddled within mormon culture are things which are explicitly condemned by mormon doctrine. Kinda funny how that works. If you don't fit into the culture, but you're still doing the basics based on faith, you're much better off.

Lisa said...

Hey Mckenna! I just want you to know that I have also been on medication for depression, so even within the family you are not alone. It can be hard to deal with, but honestly, when it starts working you may change your mind about how you feel about it. It really helps a lot.
I also just want to remind you that we have all been promised that we will have children if we live righteously.(I am not saying that you're not righteous, I just have to get to the rest of it) We all expect to have that great blessing in this life. For many of us that is a reality, for some of us it is not. But if we can endure through this crazy ride of life, we have been promised children without number. After this life, as you sit on your throne creating your own worlds, those worlds will be filled with an innumerable amount of YOUR children. I know it may be hard to think of that possibility right now, but I hope that you can remember it and that it might bring you comfort.
And in the meantime, there are so many children on this earth whose lives you can touch. Wether they are your children or not, they look up to you and you are a great example to all of them (my girls included) So while you wait for the blessing of your own children, remember to recognize the blessing of the many people whose lives you leave an impression on. Children and sisters-in-law alike. I love Ya! And I hope you feel better soon!

Jen =D said...

The 'why them and not me' bridge is a hard one to cross. I'm still in the middle throwing rocks at fertile people. If I ever get to the other side I'll send you a postcard. I'm pretty sure it's overrated and I can keep being bitter.

Oh, and thumbs up for anti-depressants. That is a hard pill to swallow (pun intended). I like pills. Hope they help with the chemical imbalance.

I {heart} your blasphemous talk.

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