Wednesday, September 3, 2008

{...the big 2-0-1...}

Cliff notes : McKenna forgot to take her happy pill...

201 posts. Wow, I'm long winded.

I have found that for the past week or so my brain has refused to shut off or at least calm down enough for me to go to bed at a decent hour. This has caused my body to go into sleep deprived shock, and I find that I am more fussy than usual. I know, how can I possibly get more fussy? Take away my long, night nap, that's how.

The past couple nights in particular have been very emotional and draining for me. I feel like I have been walking around with big cement blocks on my feet. We will call the left foot cement block 'brain tumor' and the right foot cement block 'infertility.' These trials will either be the death of me, or the 'rebirth' of me.

There are two quotes by C.S. Lewis that I feel voice what I feel better than my own words.

'My comfort would prefer for me to be numb, and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.'

'Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.

As I sit here I truly don't know how I'm going to make it through all of this. Studly and I have been talking a lot about adoption and about making decisions concerning it, but there are so many road blocks. Now, I'm not saying I'm going to give up because I don't have 20 grand stashed in my underwear drawer, but it is quite the obstacle. Sometimes it's completely asinine to me that I have to pay out that much for the privilege to be a parent.

We have talked about waiting until Studly graduates from pharmacy school. This way we wouldn't be working through school AND have a baby on our hands (along with the baby payment) but I can't seem to justify it. It's not impossible to achieve school and life goals with a family is it? I am seeing it happen all around me. Sure, it makes it harder. I'm not saying that it wouldn't, but isn't worth it?

To my anonymous commenter who spent 35K on her child, was it worth it? Is it? Do you regret anything about it? Would you do anything different? Please, spill your life story to me even though I don't know you.

All I can do for now is make sure I don't forget to take my happy pill every day.

P.S. To all my other anonymous commenters, thank you. I appreciate your love for my randomness and for those websites about adoption grants. If you want to tell me who you are, you should. I would love to know who is being so kind.


lauren said...

set up an adoption fund. it can't hurt right?

Parrish Family said...

Kenna, that is a lot of $$$! It is worth it though. Children our priceless. But I can understand about the school with the cost of adopting. Keep us posted and let us know if we can do anything!

Laney said...

baby henry loves the vitamin string quartet.

Ashley Cooper said...

Serious topics don't scare me away; in fact I really enjoyed reading this post. It's not that I'm glad crappy things are going on in your life, but I like your up-front, what-you-see-is-what-you-get attitude about it all. It's seriously a bunch of crap that there are people so desperate to be parents while others are terminating pregnancies... Grrr!!!

Lisa said...

It is definitely not impossible to acheive goals while you have a family! In fact, having a family just gives you that many more people to give you love and support while you work toward those life goals. Of course it makes some aspects of it a little harder. But in the long run, I'd rather have people who love me and support me, than to have no one with whom I can share the things that I've acheived.

The Wendler Family said...

I had no idea that was the cost of adoption!!! HOly cow! If I had the money, I'd buy you a baby or two. Hang in there. When there's a will, there's a way! Don't dispare, it will work out some how. School with baby/babies is hard financially but of course it can and does work! If you want a family, sooner than later sound right if you ask me. When you find out the story of the 35K child do tell! That is truely inspiring!

Spazz said...

I'm the one that spent $35K on my precious baby. I prefer anonymity (and wish I could spell it too!) so I can be truly honest with every detail and not risk people I don't trust with the information I share. I think I'll use an old nickname, Spazz (lame I know, for the purpose of not seeming like a shadow in a dark room. Nothing personal, I'm just the eXtreme!!11!1

Everytime I think about how much we are struggling financially it makes me sick to my stomach to think about how we're still "paying off" our baby.

It has formed a bit of a wedge between my husband and myself, I won't lie. I get no sleep because baby doesn't sleep through the night yet so that makes me much more cranky than ever PLUS I am going to school still so I have to function throughout the day as something other than "Mom". But I'm sure my sleep deprivation does not help the situation between hubby and myself. I never thought money (or the lack there of) could stress us out like this, I always thought we were close enough, and strong enough, to handle the stresses. We're working through it though, every couple has their quarrels right? Or is that just me?

But everytime my son gives me a huge toothless grin I realize he's priceless. I would pay that $35K again and again.

I feel there is no perfect time to have a baby. There will always be reasons to wait:
-Once I finish school
-Once I have a better job
-Once we have a bigger house
-Once we pay our car off
-Once we have no debt
If you look for a convenient time to bring a baby into your life you will never find one because once you scratch one thing off your list of reasons to wait, you will add 2 more.

Your question about if I would do different...I would have gotten my impulse shopping (Hi, my name is Cecile and I'm a shopping addict and have been sober for 2 days) under control before having our little one join our family.

Women go through so many things to fulfill their desire to become a mother. It's a piece of cake for every woman to do so, really. For some it's a fresh blueberry cheesecake and for others it is last year's Christmas fruitcake that has been serving as a doorstop all year.

I also want to tell you, that I love how willing you are to be open about your struggles and thoughts with infertility. It is a sensitive subject for you, I know. But it can also be sensitive for those that are around you too. Always on edge "If I say this, will I offend her?" "If I say nothing, will I offend her?"
I admire this about you. Way to go.

I think this is beyond long so I'll end it now.


Kenna said...

Dear Spazz,

If you feel comfortable, please email me at kennagoesemo(at)gmail(dot)com.

My response is far too long for the comment board.


Anonymous said...

it is totally possible to have a baby while working/finishing school. i went back to school 2 months after my baby was born. my husband and i worked out a schedule so that while i was at class he had the baby and vice versa. my husband worked part time. we were able to survive because we had pell grants and scholarship money. the following semester i got a part time job as a crossing guard. 30 minutes in the morning, 30 minutes in the afternoon, and i could take baby with me. it was bringing in 500 extra dollars a month. my husband and i both just graduated and now my husband works full time while i stay home with the baby (now a toddler.) never had to put the baby in daycare, and never had big financial issues because we were blessed with tuition aid and such. we have been really blessed. my whole point to this is that it can be done, as long as you and your husband can work out a schedule and you have the means to do it. if you're ready to have a baby biologically or not, then YOU'RE READY. the Lord will provide a way. He did for us.

Kristin said...

It's frustrating to pay so much for a baby when other people are throwing them into dumpsters or microwaves. Sometimes it's hard not to be bitter. It's also hard to understand how an agency can possibly be "non-profit" when they collect so much for a baby.

On the other hand, there is so much guilt associated with putting a price on a baby. Plus, in our case we'd like to have more than one, so where do you draw the financial line?

My parents helped a lot in paying for Baylie. We wouldn't have been able to do adopt her without them. I'm hoping that we'll get a lot back in taxes (from what I've heard it's at least 10K).

We've paid around 25K so far in all the different fees and expenses. And I can say I have no regrets. Baylie was totally worth it.

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