Wednesday, October 1, 2008

{...hemorrhaging emotions...}

Cliff Notes: Let's get crazy. Talk about our big plans. Places that we're going, places that we've never been. I'll build my walls up. Concrete castles. Keep this kingdom free of hassle.

Lately I have been in such a random, partial place emotionally that I haven't had the tenacity to blog. The last thing I want to do is bombard you with my ever changing emotions and outlook on what I have experienced and continue to experience in this life. Then again, I figure it's these ever random and ever changing posts that keep you coming back for more.

My blog is like a box of chocolates I guess.

This month is interesting for me. I found out I was pregnant in October of '06, and it completely blows my mind thinking about how it's been 2 years. Jan. 5 marks 2 years of having Addalyn, and this coming February marks 1 year since my brain surgery. Perhaps you can understand my 'partial-ness.' I can't tell you the amount of healing that has taken place these past 2 years, but then again I can't tell you how much more there is to get over. I feel like I have made some important strides, but I still feel like I'm lacking. It's hard not to expect so much from myself, but luckily I am surrounded by friends and family who are willing to encourage me to be patient and gentle with myself. Sometimes the mere act of getting up and showering for the day is a victory. I'm sure we have all felt like that at one point or another.

The feelings of inadequacy are still rampant. The desire for something I can't have is still strong. It's a new process of coping every day. Some days I need to be alone, some days I need the company of good friends. Most days all I need is a stiff drink, but I really don't want Kellie to come over and smack me upside the head with her Bible. That is just asking for another brain tumor. I truly don't know when these feelings will fade enough for me to go a day without thinking about them or what I have been through. I'm sure you all can relate what it's like to live life day by day because living any further ahead causes a mental breakdown. Or maybe that's just me.

I am still trying to find myself amidst my religion and it's corresponding culture. I have been attempting all 3 hours of my Sunday meetings and with the help of my Ward Posse it's getting a bit easier each week. I still feel uncomfortable and oft times I leave feeling more emotionally worn than I did going into the meetings, but I suppose that's more my problem than anything. I find myself wondering about what I truly believe when I am involved in conversations about the gospel. On Saturday my friend said something to the extent of, 'This church is so true it's sick. I've got goosebumps.' I couldn't say that I agreed. Maybe somewhere deep down I know but as for right now I'm still trying to find out. I have lost touch and I am 'relearning' what it's like to feel the Spirit. To acknowledge when I feel something greater than myself and my surroundings.

As I was contemplating what my friend said, and while sitting in the midst of thousands upon thousands of LDS women, I found myself feeling suffocated. Right as I was ready to get up and walk out of the conference the choir sang, 'Lord, I Would Follow Thee.' Sidenote: for those of you who don't know me, I am obsessed with music and I have said frequently that it's oft times the only thing that can reach me. So upon hearing the choir sing (and I must add that when they sang a verse a Capella it was spine tingling. NOW I had goosebumps) I felt something that I couldn't recognize, but it brought me to tears. All of a sudden I felt the emotions of losing all that I have, experiencing all that I have, rush to the surface. I was filled with questions, pleading for answers from the 'God' that everyone has been urging me to believe and confide in. In my heart I begged and pleaded for some sense of peace, some sense of certainty in such an uncertain world.

I pleaded for another chance.

A chance not only to be a better person, but the chance to somehow in this life be a better mother.

The fear of never having a child in this life paralyzes me.

It seems as if the anti-paralytic is the gospel.

Perhaps identifying this is all I can ask of myself for now.

15 comments:

Shannon said...

Beautiful. Enough said. Just...beautiful. Thank you.

Susan said...

I think all you can ask of yourself or what anyone can ask of you is exactly what you are doing. Figuring it out, as long as you don't give up eventually you'll get where you need to be. Sometimes seeing how strong you are keeps me afloat in my hard times. Thanks for being you.

lauren said...

for once i have no words. so i'll just say amen to what shannon said.

Stephanie said...

Love you girl...

The De Souzas said...

In your last lines you fully described how the gospel can save us from ourselves. What you said is absolutely profound, Kenna. I think that if you hang on to this discovery--if we ALL hang on to this discovery--you're going to be just fine. The gospel really is the anti-paralytic. Thank you for sharing all of this. Love you.

The Squires' Fam said...

Wow, I wish I could express my feelings as well as you can. It's a true gift. You are amazing!

Ashley said...

I am impressed at your willingness to share your feelings of suffocation at church functions. I am more impressed that you were able to sift through it. Way to go.

Carlee said...

Thank you for sharing that. It was something I needed to hear.

Katie said...

Your are amazing Kenna! You say so well what others wish they could. Thanks, love you!

Ashley, Brad, and Sophie said...

long time no talk..sorry... your incredible

Jennif said...

I love to read your writing. and sorry for mentioning the cliff note at the top, but it's Something Corporate. :)

Necia and Joe Shumway said...

Do you remember all those years ago when we would sit at your apartment and talk about things like this! Who could have imagined that those little things that hurt us then were only the beginning? If only life were still so simple..... well not simple, but simpler.
I love you McKenna. I feel like our friendship changed when I joined the family. I hate that. I loved everything that we had and I hope that we can get back to where we were.
Let's get together and go to lunch. I am always in Orem at AMP for work stuff. I miss you!

Clint and Karley Root said...

I'm glad you liked space jam. It's a classic. Mainly because newman from seinfield is in it!

And he actually is a bish in a BYU ward! haha. and i'm sure he'd be fine with a little drink to keep someone awake. you get more out of it when your not parched!

Random question how have you been feeling since your surgery? have you noticed that you feel better or are you still recovering?

Lisa said...

You know Mckenna, there have been many times that I wished I had something profound to say. Something that would touch your heart or bring on that "Ah-Ha!" moment that I know you are looking for. But, as always, I find myself without any such words. But I can tell you that the fact that you are still searching for answers puts you far ahead of many people who simply give up when life gets hard. And sometimes the simplest answer is the right one. Ask. If you want to know what's true, just ask.(Maybe you already have) Once you can understand the truth everything else falls into place. I know it is easier said than done, but that is the only advice I can give you. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself with me. You truly are amazing!

Tatum said...

So honest. So real. That's what I love about you. It will get better. (you probably hate when people say that though, huh?)

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