Thursday, October 16, 2008

{...the same old shiz...}

I have decided that I need to explain things a bit further so I am not grossly misunderstood.

That and my fingers are freezing. Mass typing usually warms them up a bit.

Here's the skinny...

I am not perfect. (I know, right?) It has been a long, hard road to get to a place where I am not offended or hurt by seeing a pregnant woman in the cereal isle at Target. I understand this may sound foolish, but if you really think about it perhaps you can see why I would have that visceral reaction. I have lost 3 pregnancies, one at almost 20 weeks. I have had multiple health issues that have been linked to my infertility (brain tumor, PCOS, deformed uterus, among other things, blah blah blah), and I have been told that I will not be able to bear my own children. So naturally, I hurt a little when it seems like it's so insanely easy for a large sum of the population. (About 10% of couples endure fertility issues of some sort, and yeah, that's more than you'd think, but still a vast minority.)

Another thing to note is that I do not expect people to be accommodating to my situation. That is not fair of me to expect from anyone except Josh and close family. Even then being accommodating at all times is still too much to ask, therefore I don't. For a while, again, it was hard to cope with because even the most random and non-malicious comments would cut very deeply. I have had to spend a lot of time teaching myself to disregard such comments and realize that no one was blatantly trying to attack my feelings.

Easier said than done, but I am doing so much better than I was 2 years ago.

BUT (there is always a 'but')

When people are blatantly without tact because they don't have the sense to think about anyone else but them selves, I have a problem. When people are trying to squeeze attention and sympathy from people with a bunch of bull%$&!, then I have a problem. Even when these comments aren't directed specifically at me, it makes my blood boil. Individuals who seemingly live to prove they are better than you, or that they have more than you, or that they can get more attention by using idiotic tactics, it literally blows my mind. (No, really. Brain matter all over the monitor right now.) I am sorry, but I don't have space for these people in my life. Sure, we are told to love everyone, look for the good, be Christlike, but I have already stated that I am not perfect, and here is a perfect example. Things are hard enough as it is. Having individuals in my sphere that act like this aren't going to help me in any way, shape or form. Therefore, I choose to purge them from it. I can't change them and I don't have the right to, so staying away and changing how I interact with them (in this case by not interacting at all) is how I will deal with it for the time being.

Yeah, I know this is a tad 'Lucy' of me, but I'm doing what is best for me and my blood pressure.


Cali said...

Kenna, you are absolutely right in your thinking. I didn't see specifically what happened but just thinking about it makes me mad. I hope I have not ever been one of those to hurt your feelings. I can be kind of a clod sometimes. If I have, I'm very sorry. I'm always rooting for you.

lauren said...

my favorite line is "i can't change them and i don't have the right to, so staying away and changing how i interact with them... is how i will deal with it for the time being."

that is taking responsibility for your feelings and doing what you know you need to to extricate such feelings from your soul.

love you. :)

Chad & Angela Nuttall said...

Although I do not know the specifics of the situation, I am SOO sorry that all of this crap is happening to you. I know we don't talk much, but I hope that I have never said anything directly or indirectly to make you feel bad. I promise that has never been my intention! I just wanted you to know...since I have been meaning to say it for a while, but i'm chicken...that you inspire me. I know it sounds corny, but honestly you do!!!! Every week at church I see you there and can only imagine how hard it is for you just to be there. I wish my words were more eloquent, but please know that you are nothing short of amazing! Thank you for your example to me!!!!


Erin said...

You know, this is something I have been learning lately too, although for different reasons. When there are people in your life that bring negativity whether they know it or not,then you're right, you don't have space for them. If it gets rid of having anger eating away at you then it's worth it, even if it seems mean. People like that always try to make it about them when you do that, but sometimes you just have to get rid of it and move on so you don't have anger eating away at you. It's impossible to feel the peace you need if you are angry. And I also hope that I haven't said anything that hurt you. I try really hard to think of what I would not want someone to say to me if I were in their position, but I know that I can't always understand. If I ever do, then tell me.

The Wendler Family said...

I guess I'm a little lost since I’ve been reading bits and pieces of your blog through my day (can’t read a whole post in one sitting with my responsibilities). However, I'm glad you are willing to take a stand! Accommodation for your situation is not expected from you, but respect is absolutely necessary for everyone, especially yourself...
Now I am thinking back to all the past comments I've made on your blog praying that what I said every time was not hurtful in any way to you. If I have hurt you in the past, I am sorry. That has never been my intention. Thanks for being so honest in your feelings and your situation. Knowing you has been a blessing in my life. You are truly inspirational!!

Kayla said...

I've been thinking about you a lot this morning! Please come by if you want to. We'd love to have you over to our house sometime. Added incentive: I have CHOCOLATE!

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