Thursday, November 20, 2008

{...infertility = crappy vacuum...}

I find myself feeling completely devastated.

Perhaps you all get sick of hearing about my struggles with infertility. Then again, this shows that infertility is a daily issue. Something that tugs at my heart and mind constantly. I wish that one post was enough, but it's not. I wish that I only had one bad day, one instance of complete sadness and disappointment. Then I could just move on and be normal.

Unfortunately this is not the case.

I hate my body for being so belligerent; for not doing what it is supposed to do. At times I feel like it mocks me. If it wouldn't hurt me I would punch myself in the throat, or ovaries, whatever.

Or perhaps I should just do some Wii Boxing.

It's hard for me to be okay with the fact that I am mourning the life I thought I would have. Mourning the loss of my, what I thought was (in my own naive way), a God given ability and right. It's hard to accept that I will never be able to carry a child. I've heard people say I'm lucky. I'm lucky because I won't have to deal with pregnancy. I will get the baby without the pain. I don't think that's luck at all, it's devastation. I WANT to be able to experience pregnancy. The pros and cons. I want to go through it all, no matter how painful or hard it is. Adoption is not a walk in the park. I don't just hand in my papers and get handed a baby. MOUNDS of paperwork. MOUNDS of money. MOUNDS of waiting.

No ability to plan.

All you can do is, 'Hurry up and wait.'

For someone with raging OCD, I find this hard to digest.

Infertility blows.

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lauren said...

i'm sorry this is one of those downer days. i'll wallow in the suckage with you, then help lift you back up again when you're ready.

there's a baby somewhere out there that's meant to be your baby.

trust me.

Erin said...

You are right. With pregnancy there is at least a deadline. And I'm sure anyone who has adopted will agree that there is pain (emotionally, mental, even physically) involved. A pain that meds can't really fix. Blah to paper work, waiting, and the insane amount of money and energy it takes to adopt. I'm so sorry it is dragging on for you.

The Jensens said...

I totally agree with this post! There is pain with adoption just as the comment above stated- You may not have the same pains as a pregnant woman, but there are other pains that are just as real and as painful as actually being pregnant. I think even if you didn't have OCD, the waiting game and never knowing what will happen with the whole adoption thing is hard.
I am sorry that you are having a very bad day today. I know that each day is a new battle of some new emotion that comes up over infertility. I enjoy reading your posts about it as I can relate and I think in a way it actually helps me.

Kayla said...

Whoever told you that you are lucky was an ingnorant a-hole. And it doesn't bother me that you blog about it at all because it is good that you're not holding it inside. We can all help support you (I hope) because we all love you!

Charlie and Erica said...

All I can say is keep going, and I agree with the above poster. Unfortunately, there seem to be so many misconceptions about fertility, pregnancy, and motherhood around here. I doubt anyone gets what they expect. Keep up the good work because you are blazine a trail I will someday follow. I dread that point of knowing that my body is done, but I hope that I will have positive people around who have experienced adoption, and will be able to help me along. We love you Kenna and we have no doubt that your babies are out there. Somewhere.

The De Souzas said...

Amen to the previous posters. One day at a time, I guess, right? Love you.

The VerNooy's said...

I agree with these people, I'm glad you are posting these! It helps me feel connected to other people experiencing the same things I am! here is a hug. ****HUG****

Kent and Leisy said...

infertility is lame-o, emk. your honesty and openness is one of your greatest strengths- thanks for sharing. I'll punch you in the ovaries if you want me to (I'm better with stuff like that than hugs and whatnot).

Anonymous said...

You said you're mourning the life you thought you would have. I hope you really are because it is something that should be mourned, don't let anyone tell ya different


Jen Nelson said...

I love the way you express yourself.

"Infertility blows." Best. Line. Ever. Yes, yes it does.

Love you.

Kristin said...

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I still remember those. I will always regret not feeling a baby move inside me or being able to nurse my own child. I don't know if you read my last post, but it was exactly a year ago that I found out I would never have a biological child and it was devastating. I still remember how I felt that day and many, many others. I wouldn't trade Baylie for a biological child, but that doesn't make getting her any less painful. Adoption is hard - in many ways. If you ever need a sounding board, feel free to call/come over. It gets better, I promise.

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