Sunday, January 4, 2009

{...addalyn...}

Time passes so slowly when it comes to healing wounds.

I haven't ever written deeply about my pregnancy and losing our daughter. I have mentioned it from time to time, as it helps readers piece together my insanity. It is such a raw, deep and emotional experience that still sneaks its way up to the surface of my consciousness. When this happens it feels like it all happened yesterday.

2 years ago today.

I oft times worry that many of you reading this will think I am blowing up a seemingly small experience in my life. I was pregnant with a little girl and things when horribly wrong which lead to 12 hours of induced labor with nothing but morphine only to say goodbye to our tiny but perfect little Addalyn far too soon.

I've had people say, 'Imagine if you were 9 months, or she was 5 months old...' or this or that. Almost as if this wasn't a big deal. We didn't know her, she had never taken a breath outside the womb, so it's almost like we could get a 're-do.'

Newsflash:
There is no re-do. Not when it comes to this.

Every loss is going to hurt and devastate no matter the circumstances.

All I truly know is I am grateful for the knowledge of the Gospel. I have fought it, hated it and turned away from it when I needed it most. I told God I hated Him for what happened, for His 'unwillingness to act' and spare us the pain. I won't say I understand, because I don't and doubt I will come to find out in my mortal life, but I KNOW now that He loves me and He loves Josh and He is taking good care of our little one. We miss her, we want nothing more than to have her with us now. The beauty is we will have our chance, she is still and always will be our daughter, and we will have the experience of raising her when the time is right.

Addalyn we love you and we think of you often. You have changed our lives for better. Thank you for teaching me how to love, and how to let go. For helping me strive to be stronger, more able and apt to empathize towards others, regardless of situations. Thank you for letting me be your Mom.

My sis-in-law Val (thanks for the flowers and the note my dear, it means a lot to me) gave me this poem last night. It was written by her sister Heather. I wish I was able to express myself the way she does with the written word.

Longing for Angels
by Heather Duncan

What comes after an all too sudden birth
when first hellos are mingled with goodbye
and wingbeats rend the air as spirits fly
from angel daughters not meant for this earth?
And what of those who never steal a breath
of treasured air, whose hearts no longer beat
in bosoms sacred made for souls so sweet?
God, why? Why does new life now turn to death?
O mother, as you mourn may you rejoice
for her. She has known only loving touch.
And father, raise your weeping heart in praise.
Her ears have only heard the gentle voice.
Please do not fear that you have loved too much.
She will be yours to hold in better days.

21 comments:

Katie said...

That was beautiful Kenna!
I wish I was there to give you a great big hug!
You are an amazing woman!
(Josh is pretty amazing too but he needs to post more)

The Wendler Family said...

This post toally made me cry. I can not understand what you are going though, so I'm not going to pretend to. I remember when I called you from the hospital and heard about what happened and how devistated I was for you. I feel it all over again. I'm so glad she has her beautiful name. :)
That poem is just touching. I agree with the words. I am sure she is grateful to have you as her mommy.
McKenna, you are incredible.

Kelda said...

I'm so sorry about your loss. I think it's great you still talk about it cause you never know who it might help. You guys are so strong and I really look up to you for that. I can't even imagine the pain you face everyday but it's great knowing that one day you'll be together again.

Kara and Tyler said...

I agree. That was beautiful and you are a very courageous woman. You have every right to feel the way that you have, but I am glad that you can look back now on the experience and see the good that it has brought you. You really are amazing!

Roger and Tasha said...

I liked that Kenna. It sums up your feelings on things. I am glad u are looking to a brighter day and that you have grown so much from this experience! Its a new year and new start! To start fresh! You can do it! I know I am working on becoming healther and being happier this year.

lauren said...

my heart hurts for you and my prayers are constantly with you. i'm glad you chose to let those who didn't know, know about addalyn, to fully understand and appreciate the immensity of your pain. you're brave my dear. and i am so happy that you're in a better place than you once were. though it will always hurt, at least that pain will abate, even if it's slightly, and even if you don't notice. love your guts! glad you got to see t today. :)

Trent and Janel Lyman said...

Whoever told you those things...Imagine if you were 9 months, or she was 5 months old...has NO heart! Who says crap like that!? It kinda makes me angry, what do ya do but shake your head at stupid people. Where did common sense go?

That was a very touching post, you made me cry. You have an amazing way with words. You express yourself so very well, what a gift. You are such a great friend, thank you.

Parrish Family said...

I wish I knew what to say, but I can't say I know how you feel or the pain you have gone through. I do know that the love of a child is very powerful. And though you can not see your little one everyday, I don't doubt that her love for you is around you all the time. Embrace that because children and their sweet, innocent love can heal many things.

I'm thinking of you and you are in my prayers.

Jen Nelson said...

Holding you and Josh in my heart. You guys are always in my prayers.
Love you soooo much!
Beautiful poem.

TOGETHER FOREVER said...

Kenna you really do have a gift with words your post made my cry I wish I could say I know how you feel but I don't we all have such different life experiences but what ties us together is the gospel thread.

I get angry too sometimes and play the blaming game with God, but the fact is we might never know the whys here in this life, but all we need to know is the hows...how to get through it, how to lean on God and friends who care, how to turn these heart breaks into making us a deeper wiser soul. I am proud of you for facing this experience and I know that Addalyn must be to she's a lucky girl to have you and Josh in her life. Just remember that letting go of the pain dosen't mean your letting go of Addy she will always be there and you will never have to replace her she's yours for eternity. Luv ya girl!!

Kayla said...

That gave me goosebumps. What a beautiful poem!

The De Souzas said...

Wow. I read that poem over and over till I lost count. How beautiful and painful and hopeful.

We love you guys.

Lisa said...

You have grown so much in the last two years, Mckenna. You are an amazing person and you touch the lives of everyone you meet. I'm excited for the day that I can meet Addalyn at our big family reunion in heaven! What an amazing day that will be! You and Josh are in our prayers always!

Ashley said...

You do sound stronger. Good for you. I am still sorry, always will be. But good for you for getting stronger.

andy, meg, carson said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog. I don't think anyone should judge your emotions and feelings about your situation until they have been their themselves. I truly am sorry you went through such a horrible experience. Keep in touch-

Charlie and Erica said...

Hi Kenna, not sure if you have every heard of this book or would even want to read, but I started it to tonight and automatically thought of you. I have only read a couple of pages and wow... It is written by Elizabeth McCracken and it's called "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination". She basically recounts the story of her late miscarriage. Anyways, I will probably be able to give it more of an opinion once I have finished it.

Kristin said...

This was so strange - I read your post and then double checked the date because I just barely posted about my miscarriage. It turns out I posted the day after you. It's strange because we don't really talk or anything, but it's nice to share this invisible bond. You were obviously a lot further along than I was, but I think the pain is still similar.

The only thing that I have ever been grateful about related to my experience is that it helps me to better understand other women that go through what I do.

Susan said...

I just read this today so sorry this is a little late. It amazes me that you are able to open up so much about this now and I can't imagine the pain. I can only imagine that this helps so many others who have had the same pain! You are incredible and Thank you for being you!

Wright Bunch said...

KENNA!!! oh my you are so inspirational. I have also had 3 miscarriages, but none were as awful, and hurtful as losing your sweet little one. I know that words don't fix this, and there really isn't anything that anyone can do to relieve the heartache and pain, but just know that you are loved and soooo respected. I was soooo glad to hear from you! keep in touch.

Heather said...

So glad you liked this poem and that it helped. I wrote it when my SIL lost her little girl at 21 weeks and about a year after I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. I can't take much credit for it, though. It was just an answer to prayer that came out in poetry.

Jeremy and Rebecca said...

I am so sorry for both of your loss, and how wonderful it is that we have the gospel to help us through it! http://www.october15th.com/
I'm glad you talk about it- not enough people do, and I think it helps us individually, and helps strengthen others who may be going through losses we don't know about. God Bless-

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