Thursday, January 1, 2009

{...a plea to 2009...}

Cliff Notes : No one ever plans, 'Get married, lose a baby, have a brain tumor, never get pregnant, live happily ever after.'

It's hard to see another year pass not yielding what we have been wanting most.

I can't complain, however, as I have been blessed. More than I deserve.

Now I'm not going to lie, it hurts to see another year come and go. Oft times I feel like I am running in a circle. Never making any progress. Each year I commit myself to being better, trying harder, finding my way. The end comes too soon and I feel like a failure. A failure with empty arms.

The dream for a child in 2009 isn't feasible. Maybe that's what hurts the most in all this. I know that I have to fight through another year of hurting and feeling this gaping hole in my heart.

I have plenty to keep me occupied. Josh will be waiting to hear back from Pharmacy schools. We could be moving out of state come Summer. I am FINALLY going to join weight watchers and lose the massive amounts of weight that pregnancy and brain tumors have left me with. I have an awesome job, and awesome life. I have everything I want.

Almost...

Why in the world is my self esteem and self worth tied up in my ability to reproduce?

It seems so asinine that it would hurt this much.

Oh, and it hurts. I can feel it down in my fingertips. It shakes my soul, clouds my mind and breaks my heart.

Please, 2009, be gentle with me. I can't take another '07 or '08.

5 comments:

Charlie and Erica said...

I really don't know what to say Kenna, but I am thinking about you. Best wishes for the new year. I am of the opinion that it can only go up from here.

AJ said...

I hear ya! I am learning how to make my self-esteem and self-worth NOT be tied to my ability to reproduce. It's still hard though.

I was all alone with all the "husbands" at a party last night because I couldn't listen to the "fertile myrtle" wive's talk in the other room.

Bleh. I hope 2009 is better for you! You know you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Maybe we can work together to make each other feel better!

lauren said...

maybe let's make sure we move to places that are close to each other when our husbands go on to pursue higher education. i don't think i can live without my kenna.

The Wendler Family said...

I hope '09 is better for you too! And, who knows? Maybe it will be the best ever.

Kristin said...

I've been doing Weight Watchers for a couple of years (lost 73 pounds, but have struggled ever since we got Baylie). Let me know if you need a buddy. I got my dad going and he lost 25 pounds last year.

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