Sunday, February 15, 2009

{...get bent...}

I haven't had a week like this in a very long time.

Do you all remember about a year ago when I posted about a new condition I had acquired? Yeah, remember how it's called the 'suicide disease?!' (Trigeminal Neuralgia) Well a month ago Doc Carn decided that I could wean off that medication. This was bliss for me, as I take 8 pills per day. I had no problem taking one out of the routine. Unfortunately, the condition hasn't been eradicated. The past few nights I have experienced the most searing, horrible pain in the right side of my face. They call it the suicide disease because the pain is so excruciating that people literally, 'beg to be killed.' Yikes. So for the past few days I have been highly medicated with narcotics to keep the pain at bay. Sad thing is, these pills don't even take half the pain away, but I'll take what I can get right now. I am back on the medication for it and it takes a week or so to kick in.

Let's all just say some prayers for Studly until that happens.

Besides being in constant physical pain, it's been an emotionally draining week. There are days when all this infertility sh*@ hits the fan and I become unable to cope. These breakdowns don't happen often, which I'm sure Studly and everyone else around me appreciates, but there are times when it all feels insanely impossible.

It doesn't help when there are those few special people who are insensitive jerks, knowingly nonetheless, who make it even harder. Now, don't' get me wrong. I do not, in anyway, expect EVERYONE who knows me to be sensitive to my situation. I do, however, except family and my good friends to be.

Luckily I have awesome friends who make my life much easier to handle. Their willingness to share their children with me and Studly makes such a difference. I have said it time and time again, it heals our hearts and lessens the sting of our situation. You know who you are. Thank you again, for the one hundred billionth time. You have no idea what you have done for us.

Wanna know what else? I'm sick and tired of petty people. They make life harder and more complicated. Eesh. Talk about an unwanted headache.

Wanna know what else? The pain in my face makes me want to slit my wrists.

Wanna know what else? One day I am not going to be afraid to say what I truly think.

Until then, I'll calm myself with Coke and narcotics.

***reminder: I am heavily drugged, take that into consideration whilst reading***

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lauren said...

i'm sorry that pain is back... if only we could invent one pill that would take care of all of the crappy symptoms you have to deal with. or better yet, i just wish that all of this shiz would go away.

including the annoying peeps that just don't get it.

love you.

Trent and Janel Lyman said...

I don't know how you pull it off. You looked just fine at church. Whether you were way drugged or in bad pain I couldn't tell. We think of you often.

Kayla said...

I came to visit you in the hospital a year ago today (Well, just about. It was president's day). Crazy how fast it's gone! I love you and you're always in my thoughts. We should do a Cafe Rio run soon.

Ashley Cooper said...

I hope your drugs start working quickly! Are you still up for dinner on Wednesday?

Jess said...

Oh McKenna, I am so sorry. I wish I had a magic wand that would take it all away. Everytime I read one of these posts I start to pray I'm not the insensitive jerk that said something. If I ever am, please PLEASE let me know. I love you Kenna, and you're always in my prayers. Hey, anytime you want to "borrow" my kids let me know :0)
I love ya Kenna!!

The Wendler Family said...

Hope I'm not an insensitive jerk... if I was I didn't mean to be. Promise. I will pray for you and Josh. As well as thank Heavenly Father for making Coke and narcotics for your benifit.
If ever you desire some little chil'ens to look after for a bit- we're game!
I hope you get to feeling better quickly!

Kent and Leisy said...

sorry your face is making you want to DIE. I cannot imagine. thanks for reposting the surgery pictures. they made my day :)

Jen Nelson said...

Let me know if I can bring you more coke. I don't have any narcotics to offer, or I would.

Sorry people suck ass and that your nerves are messed up. 'Suicide disease'? Why the Hell not, huh??

"Gives you Hell" is my new favorite song.

Love you! Hang in there!

Val'n'Ben said...

I love you McKenna! I know it won't, but I wish it would make you feel better to know that being friends with you keeps me from wanting to slit my wrists!

I don't pray, but if I did, you'd be in my prayers.

I suck at "living the gospel to the exactness" I'm sure that's why I'm not pregnant.

Anonymous said...

My father has the same disease. 3 surgeries later and still no success in getting the pain to subside. He is on medicine, but that hardly helps. I feel so bad for you that you are experiencing it, and I don't even know you.

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