Saturday, March 14, 2009

{...dear anonymous...}

Thanks for your comment. I truly wish you wouldn't be afraid to put your name with your thoughts.

If you don't mind, here are my thoughts on your thoughts.

My first instinct was to jump all over that comment. I know it's hard to understand intentions through the world wide web, but, 'how about you just stop thinking about it' sounds a little insensitive and, well, almost rude. I am indeed sorry for your loss. I know the pain you speak of well. So you, of all people, would understand how, and pardon my lack for a more intellectual phrase, insane that sounds.

I will just quit thinking about the most painful experiences of my life.

Do I sometimes 'egg on' the feelings of hurt in myself? Sure. There are moments when I can't break the sadness cycle, and I have to give in, if only for an hour or two. I try to live my life, forge on, do what I have to do to survive.

Wait, looks like you are from Utah County. This only baffles me more.

I can go a whole day without thinking about my situation. You know, the situation where I can NEVER have my own biological child. (Please, spare me the 'you can always adopt' lecture.) Then, say, I need to grab some milk from the Target. I see a pregnant woman in the cereal isle, then over at the pharmacy. I see a new mom with her adorable twins, another mom with her toddler, and yet ANOTHER mom with her 6 kids.

Don't you dare tell me that it doesn't make you think.

Don't you dare tell me that it's 'easy' to get those thoughts out of your head.

I can't just 'stop' living, because that is exactly what I would have to do in order to not 'surround myself' with things that make me think about it.

We live in UTAH COUNTY.

BABY CAPITAL OF THE UNIVERSE.

I am not a huge visitor of 'pregnancy loss forums.' In fact, I have only read through them briefly and it was a long time ago.

I cannot take a break from my blog. This blog is about my life, good and bad. There are also women out there that I feel I need to reach out to. Let them know that in my bad days they have someone who gets it. My blog is hardly the reason for my pain, it's how I release it and move through it.

I hope this isn't coming across as me being a rude, blogging biznatch, but I just had to let my initial thoughts be known.

Oh, and my depression? I believe it came about when my brain was invaded by a little friend I like to call, 'Tubby.' He messed up a couple of 'key components' in the hormone department. Sure, infertility doesn't help, but I can move through it.

I do appreciate your thoughts. It's nice to have feed back from those who have experienced the pain of a miscarriage, but of course, what works for one doesn't always work for another.

Let's hope that Disneyland, Seaworld, and the beach cure a little bit of my pain and anxiety.

32 comments:

blakeandcourt said...

Kenna I totally admire you for putting your feelings, good or bad, out there. I bet there are so many people that can relate to you (as I can I. It took us many years to get pregnant). Everyone deals with things differently and I love that you aren't afraid to say that to whoever "anonymous" is. Way to go.

Wright Bunch said...

McKenna.. Please just know how much i FREAKIN' LOVE YOU!!! however, the rest of this message is for anonymous.

anonymous... you are an insensitive little BI#@!!-

"just stop thinking about it"??? Really? what planet are you from??? that alone tells me you've never really had a miscarriage! You don't just "stop thinking about it"
And i don't know if you know, but Kenna's been through a hell of a lot more than a miscarriage.

for example.
a stillborn
a brain tumor
brain surgery
and i don't even know how many miscarriages
and now is told that she'll never have a baby of her own.

So Anonymous. Don't ever tell her again to get over it. Or i'll break your face.
Get the facts before you start flappin your mouth!

Trent and Janel Lyman said...

Yay Wright Bunch! Little miss anonymous...GO TAKE A FLYING LEAP! You are one sorry example of what is wrong with people. If you've had a miscarriage, as you say you have, then maybe you ought to feel just the smallest little bit of empathy for ANY one who goes through that. It breaks my heart to see the pain in my friend. She wants so badly to be a parent. How does one just forget about it, when everywhere you look there are people with kids, some who got knocked up when they were 12, some who don't deserve to even be a parent. Yet, this couple, and many many others, try so very had to have what others take for granted. Yeah, you are right, it's pretty easy to forget about it.

And yes, Disneyland, Seaworld, and the beach...ahhh We love you Kenna! Oh, and I love your blog! And if I put one more (!) up....seriously.

AJ said...

Anonymous doesn't understand and that is exactly why this blog is so important Kenna!

There is no way in he-double hockey sticks that you cannot surround yourself with reminders of not being able to get preggo. None. You, yourself were created by two people, the stores are full of Moms and babies, the internet is plastered with them and church, well, is the worst place to be when you just feel like beating the tar out of young preggo people that seem to get preggo just by thinking about it!

I know your anger and your frustration and I feel for you. If I could take this away from you and keep dealing with it so you don't have to I would.

Sorry for the rant. You are awesome! Have fun at Seaworld, Disneyland and the beach--be carefree and have fun!

Ashley Cooper said...

Really, I think we all do everything we can to avoid thinking about those things that cause us pain. But simply living life requires us to think about those things sometimes, (or a lot of the time.) I hope that you have the time of your life in California! It should be a good distraction from life's challenges. I love you and appreciate your openness!

Anonymous said...

Let me first say to the other anonymous you are heartless. If you really have had a miscarriage you are vastly unusual. You say "maybe you should stop thinking about it." HOW??? As women in the LDS church we are taught one of the greatest gifts we can give is to have children. I have suffered THREE miscarriages. During one of the miscarriages I almost died. One cannot just stop thinking about it!! McKenna is having real emotions and frankly reading her blog helps me tremendously. I have never met McKenna and even live many states away. Her honest words help me keep it together. I have been suicidal about not being able to maintain a pregnancy especially since everyone around me is having kids. McKenna's blog helps keep me going. There is someone else out there going through what I am going through!!! I was abused as a child and because of this I can get pregnant but each pregnancy has only about a 30% chance of ever going full term enough for the child to survive. McKenna please keep writing. You are my life line!! I hope one day to open up as you have!

-- A fellow LDS woman struggling from Texas

Kayla said...

I, too, love how open and honest you are about your feelings. I think that it's better to let them out than hold them in. It's inspiring to see how many people you touch in the process of your sharing as well. I admire you
Please tell Disneyland hello for me!

The Squires' Fam said...

The freaking nerve of people! I think that your annonymous commenter needs to bizatch slapped!!!!

The Wendler Family said...

How dare they! Seriously, heartless. Kenna, you have every right to feel the way you do. If you were to quit thinking about it, I would be concered for you, cause doing so would not be normal. No wonder she left that comment anonymously- cause there would be more than a few of your readers who would want to hunt her down!

lauren said...

you know how i love your sass. way to stand up for the way that you're feeling. i think that the acknowledgment of said feelings is an integral part of the healing process. so you own it, girl!

have a fun time in cali my dear. and know that you're loved by so many people. including myself. just fyi. :)

Jen Nelson said...

Duh! "Just stop thinking about it". Why didn't we think of that?!?

Seriously? Anonymous, I am glad you feel better after your miscarriage. Did you have to bury your daughter? Were you told that you only have a slim chance in Hell of having biological children? Or did you bounce back and are now popping out your 3rd child in 4 years?

It is unfortunate that because infertility and depression don’t manifest themselves in a physical way that it is easy to tell one to ‘get over it’. If Kenna was heartbroken about another illness would you tell her to stop thinking about it? What if she had diabetes or had burns to 80% of her body or cancer? “It’s just cancer, stop thinking about it – enjoy yourself.” See how that sounds?

The fact is infertility is a physical, emotional, mental nightmare. It is something, especially in Utah county, that is thrown in your face (whether intentional or not) on a daily basis. It’s hard not to feel left out when something so far out of reach for you comes so easily to most people. Why did your baby die and there’s lived?

Obviously you weren’t trying to be supportive otherwise you wouldn’t have cowardly posted as ‘anonymous’. And if you have been paying any attention at all you would have known that Kenna’s ‘posse’ would come to the rescue and bash you. Shame on you for trying to make someone who is already riddled with guilt feel even worse. Feel better?

Kenna, love you girl. Thank you for everything you write. It makes me feel not so alone.

Losee Family said...

I know I don't leave comments very often but I read your blog. I'm so glad that you Write what you feel.
I can't believe that someone would really tell you to forget about it. I'm glad that blogging helps you even just a little and I know you are helping many people with your blog.

Alisha said...

Good for you, Kenna! Way to stand up for yourself. Not that I would expect any less from you of all people. I totally agree with you and I don't, nor will I ever, live in Utah County, and that (Baby Mecca) is one of the reasons why. In fact, I'm sure I would not have lasted out there as long as you have. Talk about "overcoming obstacles" and "enduring to the end"... I would have moved a long time ago. To like, New York or LA, or somewhere you don't see every other woman on the street with a huge pregnant belly or a precious little new born. There is NO WAY to "just forget about it". IT'S FREAKING IMPOSSIBLE!!! I feel your pain (minus Tubby) and I know exactly how it feels to not be able to do the one thing that your female body is basically designed for. It makes you feel like a failure as a human being... PARTICULARLY in the Mormon culture and society. And you're right. "You can always adopt" is just not the same. Not that adoption is out of the question. I am 100% in favor of adoption. I would adopt in a heartbeat if given the chance. But it's still not the same. But good for you, Kenna. Good for you.

Mann Clann said...

Though I struggled to get pregnant, I will never know exactly how you feel but I do know the baby capital of the world is the WORST place to be when that is what is on your mind.

Don't pay any attention to anonymous people who don't get it. And I know that whole "everything happens for a reason" crap gets old, too. People should just realize that you are writing for you, and those who CAN truly relate. (like that other, nicer "anonymous" person.)

And really, this is your blog. Who cares what everyone else thinks about what you wrote? (does that make sense?) So I will quit commenting, too.

But really, I wish I'd gotten to know you better. You're freaking awesome.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Im sorry, I really didnt mean to come acrossed as Bitchy. I wasnt saying "stop thinking about it" to be rude... I was trying to say that you should try and avoid situations that trigger you to think about it.

And I agree that doing just about ANYTHING will trigger you to think about it. Especially living in utah county, going to church, going to the store.. etc.

And I HAVE had a miscarriage and I know the pain of losing a baby. I have been dealing with it for almost 2 years and I didnt mean to come acrossed as Bitchy, I was just trying to give some tips that have helped me to not be so depressed.

I know its hard to read into someones Tone over the internet unless you know them so for that I am sincerely sorry.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and Im pretty sure that my comment never said that you should forget about it like some people have mentioned in their comments.. there is no possible way for you to forget about it.

I just think that sometimes we dwell on our pain so much that it makes us keep thinking about it. If you try and focus on something else it makes it harder to always think about it.

Thinking about something is far different from forgetting about something.

Jared and Shalynn said...

I just feel the need to give anonymous a hug! Excluding Kenna's post, I think that everyones comments on here were way too harsh to her. From what I read of her comment on the last post I thought she was truly trying to be caring and trying to give good advice. Mckenna, I've never suffered with infertility and I can't imagine the pain that those who do suffer. I have had other serious trials in my life that have severly impacted me. I went through a grieving and healing process that took a long time and is at times on going. Although I've come out on top, I will never truly be whole again. Our trials can either make or break us. You should never forget what you've been through because your pain can be a source of inspiration for others who are going through the same issues. You have the right to feel pain and to grieve and that's healthy. BUT don't let it consume you and doubt your worth as a woman! You are far to incredible of a person!! If anything in this comment came across as insensitive please know that it wasn't meant to be and that I truly am sorry to hear of the hurt you have to experience everyday. xoxo

Wright Bunch said...

Anonymous... you did know you were coming across as "bitchy" or you wouldn't have cowardly left it as anonymous. You would have owned up to the "gentle sincere advice" you were leaving for Kenna. And yet after all of this you still aren't owning it! And yes in so many words you did tell her to forget about it. I just don't think you have a clue....

Wright Bunch said...

Isn't "Here's a thought, just stop thinking about it" telling someone to forget about it?

Heather said...

Um, oops. I just left a comment while logged in as Val'n'Ben. I'm trying to fix her blog, honest. I'm not a hacker.

So, here's the comment under my actual name.

Kenna,

Just a few things to say.

1. Thanks for keeping it real. It takes a lot of courage to say what you feel, own it and be honest about it. And feeling what you feel and saying it out loud is very different from how you live your life. Just because you say "This sucks!" on your blog doesn't mean you're not doing your best to push forward when it comes to the actual living part. Some people don't get that.

2. Thanks for your cool taste in music. Sometimes I come here just for the music.

3. Hope you're enjoying the fun and the sun. My boys and I went to see Petey yesterday at my sister's house. They think he's pretty cool. I don't think the feeling is mutual.

That's it.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Anonymous. KENNA YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS WORLD TO EXPERIENCE TRIALS. You need to get over yourself. I too am infertile. But you know what?? When you stop being selfish and feeling sorry for yourself you see that their is so much you can give. I have adopted a little boy and have never gave and received as much love. Just because I didn't provide the actual "egg" doesn't mean I don't deserve this little boy more than anyone who can have a child. Oh and my husband died two months after we adopted him. So be grateful for what you do have and stop the pity parties you selfish brat.

Anonymous said...

I agree. If this blog is about being honest and open then she should expect people to be honest and open about their comments. That comment was no where half as negative as every one of Kennas post. In fact it was positive advice. If Kenna wants to take it negatively thats her own decision. If she wants to make her life a living hell hole and drag her husband down that is also her own decision. It is also a fact that I will get comments that I'm a horrible person because I also am expressing my feelings. So why is it ok for Kenna to bitch and moan and not for anyone else to be honest?

Jen Nelson said...

Big difference between being honest and being mean for the sake of trying to hurt someone.

Take a step back. Are you being honest to try and help or are you being honest out of spite?

If you are being honest why are you anonymous? Is it OK to intentionally hurt someone when they don't know who you are?

Jen Nelson said...

and, I'm sure because of your "honesty" Kenna is allll better! Yay! Who knew that calling someone a selfish brat (on their own blog)would actually help!

You guys are awesome! Saving the world one annonymous post at a time!

Will you pretty please leave me an uplifting honest message on my blog?? I've had a pretty rough week, I'm sure all I need is a dose of honesty.

Eesh!

lauren said...

the thing i think is sad is when people are malicious. when people don't care to truly understand who the person they're ridiculing truly is, or where their heart is. if you feel like kenna is a selfish brat, why are you reading this blog? why not stay away from it? is it necessary to berate her for sharing her own opinions on her own blog? no one asked you to read it. no one is forcing it down your throats.

i happen to love kenna with all my heart. she has been through soooo much, a lot of which she hasn't even blogged about. and she handles things in her own way, the only way she can right now.

so why not do something constructive and uplifting with your time? i don't think the blogosphere should be a place of so much animosity.

Clint and Karley Root said...

Kenna-
Even though i haven't gone through what you go through every day, I Really like reading your blog. My problems in life are tiny compared to yours and you actually help me see things in a better perspective. I have known people like "anonymous". It urks me to think that She would even write something like that. and she knows she shouldn't have or she wouldn't be Anonymous. Keep pushing through cus all of us need to read your blog to make our days better with your humor and seeing your strength of how you get through things.
Love Kar Dawg

Anonymous said...

Wow, looks like there are some haters in the house. What confuses me is how your comments are relevant to what Kenna has been saying. I don't recall her ever saying that Anonymous 1 didn't deserve her adopted child, or that Kenna thinks she is the only one who experiences trials. This is her blog, so of course she is going to write about what SHE has gone through. As for Anonymous 2, I don't think Kenna said a thing about the first Anonymous commented not being able to express what she was thinking. In fact, Kenna's post was simply stating what she thought. I believe she did say that she appreciated the comment, but what works for one person doesn't always work for another. Do you guys even know her? Spent time with her? How do you know she is making life a hell hole? I am very close to Kenna and that is the furthest thing from the truth. You two seem to be out of line, just a tad, but like you said, you can express your feelings however you like, but it seems sad that you would come here to berate her.

Anonymous said...

I apologize, 'not relevant' is what I was meaning to say.

Jamie said...

I think Lauren's comment pretty much summed up what I was going to say. If you don't like what Kenna has to say, then why are you reading her blog? Her blog is her space to write whatever she wants. If you don't like it then stop reading!!!

A said...

I just want to say that I have been reading your blog on and off for a while. I have been really impressed with the way you handle yourself after all that you have been through. You seem to have a good sense of humor and do your best to get through all the trials you have been given. I myself have recently have had several miscarriages. It is SO hard. I am lucky enough to have a child of my own, which I am so grateful for and definitely helps. But I can say after several years of trying for our second and several miscarriages, it is something I think about EVERYDAY! Annonymous needs to get a clue!

Betsy & Richard Lee said...

Hmm... you would think ANYONE who has experienced a miscarriage would understand the grief it causes. Even if you don't agree with how someone deals with a miscarriage, saying anything other then "I'm sorry" isn't going to magically make someone ok again. Most advice is full of good intentions, but unless it's asked for it's more likely to hurt then help. I don't know the details, McKenna, but it sounds like your baby was an older fetus, which I can't even imagine happening. I lost mine at 8 weeks and that sent me into a depression for months, so to lose one at a later time on top of the other stuff you've been through... kudos to you for not being in a mental hospital right now and finding a healthy outlet for your emotions. Obviously you are helping a lot of people through opening yourself up and being vulnerable which is really comendable.
Also, I can't believe anyone actually thinks they can just post whatever they're thinking on other people's blogs because the blogger was being honest. I sure hope no one goes on my blog and tells me I'm a terrible mother because I'm open about things. :\ You have the freedom of speech, but with that comes consequences. Maybe the good ol' saying of, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" should be taken a little more seriously. I'm referring to the poster who called McKenna a selfish brat at this point. ;)

Jess said...

Wow, I can't believe some people. McKenna, I'm not going to say anything about what other people have commented and I'm so glad that you don't take them to heart. This is your blog, write what you want! If people don't like it they don't have to read it. People need to realize that you can't discount what people are feeling, whether rational or not that's what you are feeling. I have never suffered infertility, I have no idea what it would be like. The thought of not being able to have children would tear me apart. I look up to you in so many ways McKenna, you have strength I wish I had. I'm sure there are days where you don't feel like you are strong, but I know you are. I love you Kenna, and obviously a lot of other people do too. Thank you for allowing me to see things through your eyes and learning through your experiences. I love you, keep writing what you feel, this is your blog

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