Tuesday, March 10, 2009

{...fed up...}

Lately I am so over everything.

It's probably the never ending news of pregnant friends, which is fine, I am happy that they are able to achieve what I cannot, but perhaps it's understandable that it grates on my mental stability.

You know what? I can't even continue talking about it. It's old news. It's old, frustrating, never ending new. I am reminded EVERY DAY that I can't have the one thing I want. EVERY DAY that I am on the path of infertility and will be for a very long time. EVERY DAY that I am in pain, that I am frustrated, that I am hurt, that I am sad, angry, completely devastated.

Every. Day.

Can I please have one day where this isn't brought to my attention?

18 comments:

AJ said...

Amen! I hear ya sister.

Hang in there, this too shall pass (even if you don't think it will).

*hugs*

Val'n'Ben said...

I love you! Even if it hasn't helped you, having you around to talk to or vent to or whatever it happens to be at the time, has meant so much to me. I can't imagine how I ever got along without you and I'm sorry you had to go so long without mine. Dinner for sure, I'll call you. Keep your head up, you're beautiful.

Trent and Janel Lyman said...

Let's go to Disneyland.

Harmony. Anthony. Kelton. Kynley. said...

I know how ya feel, you are happy for the other people, but at the same time its more pain than you can stand...hang in there! Just like the comment above..this too shall pass-

The Wendler Family said...

:( Sorry Kenna. Is there anything I can do?

Carlee Ann said...

Lets go longboarding. Done.

Amy said...

I think we can relate a lot Mckenna! We should talk sometime!

Kristin said...

Probably not in Utah...it wasn't nearly so bad in Texas.

Roger and Tasha said...

I am sure if you and Josh moved out of UTAH COUNTY that things would be different!! Seems its unusal to be married let alone have a baby under 30 anywhere else!! Take a vacation!! How much longer does josh have in school??

Jamie said...

I guess you could write off all your friends who are pregnant and cut ties with everyone else you talk to. But seriously, I can see how that would be a tad on the irritating side. It probably seems like your pain will never go away at this rate. You just need to hold fast to every thing that's good in your life and focus on the stuff that's in your control for the time being. Hope things start to ease up a bit for you soon.

Ashley said...

Um, this is probably the totally wrong time to tell you this...but that thing on the side of your blog with no baby in it is way freaking funny. I hate those things. But I love yours-not because you aren't having a baby, just because it is so awesome. ok, I will shut up now.

thelewisfamily said...

You know, you're like a godsend. Someone to prove to me that not all women struggling with infertility are nutcases that I don't ever want to be around. You may be a nutcase, but it sure seems like an awful lot of people want to be around you :)

What distracts you? Cause once I know, it's so done.

Losee Family said...

I'm sorry for your tough times. I'll keep you in my prayers. I wish there was something i could say to help you but i don't really know. Keep hanging in there.

Anonymous said...

Heres a thought, maybe you should stop thinking about it. Stop surrounding yourself with things that make you think about it. If you go on pregnancy loss forums, stop for awhile, take a bread from this blog, just take time with you and your husband. I had to do the same exact thing after my miscarriage and it helped alot, yeah I still thought about it.. but not as much, and I am definitely not depressed anymore.

Anonymous said...

break*.

Traci said...

Wow!! I can't believe no one thought of that before. Duh, Kenna-just stop thinking about it. Anonymous probably lost one at 6 weeks and not delivered an actual baby with fingers and toes and had 3 other miscarriages. But Gosh,just stop thinking about it and it will go away. This person was an answer to your prayers. Thanks anonymous!!!!! MOM-sorry, no blog account, not that hip yet

Jared y Jessica Gale said...

/hug
Our situations are so similar and yet different. But I too feel how you feel. Everyone always being pregnant, it always being, almost literally, in your face. You can almost smell when someone is pregnant lol /shakes head. After 5 years of being married and still yet to have children I have been through all the stages that one could go through. In a sense you have to go through the grieving process, almost like someone had died. But its the death of a life you expected to have in a sense and most likely planned as a young girl. How your life is going to be. You go through the denial, anger, bargining, depression and finally the acceptance. When I have to face such things as children and babies in day to day life, I come to a fork in the road as I start to feel anger or grief; I have imagine a giant stop sign on that road to anger and then tell myself "Don't go there". It just takes time. That's all I can really tell you. Nothing anyone will say can really make it better. Their hearts are in the right place, they just don't know the words to say it without sounding like a broken record. The only peace and solace I have found is through the Savior. I know you have been through rough times, your infertility has been much different than mine. But I understand and the Savior understands even better than I do or any of us dealing with this trial. When Christ went into the Garden of Gethsemane he didn't go for everyone at the same time. Every ordinance we do in our church is done individually, why would the atonement be any different. Somehow time stopped and he took YOUR name to the gethsemane and atoned for you. Not just for your sins, but for your pains, your trials, for you. He personally knows EXACTLY how you feel in your darkest moments and your brightest days. I know this is true. I hope and pray all the desires of your heart will be granted unto you.

Jessica

Melissa and Aaron said...

Hi Kenna - I'm sure you don't remember me, but I commented on your blog a long time ago and told you that you should write a book:) I found your blog through Erin Jensen's blog. Anyway, my husband and I haven't been trying to have children that long (about 1.5 years), but we found out that we are "subfertile" and it's been hard (which I know is nothing compared to what you have been/are going through). I went through a lot of pain and hurt for a while as friends (and anyone else for that matter - people in stores, on the street) around me continued to get pregnant. I feel like the past few months I've been feeling a little better, and then yesterday I found out that the last person in my ward without children is pregnant (and she's my VT companion). The pain and hurt have come back again and I feel alone. I am happy for her and her husband, but I'm sad for me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being punished for something (which I know isn't true, but can't help thinking). I have to keep reminding myself that when other people get pregnant it's not about me - God didn't say "Okay, I'll give ___ a baby, but not Melissa." I feel crazy for the things I think sometimes! We haven't told very many people what we're going through, but when I talk about it with people I think I act like it's no big deal, and so they treat it like it's no big deal when it really is. I think I'm just realizing that I'm going to go through ups and downs with this. I also feel like I have no right to feel the way I do a lot because other people have tried for so much longer than us (and have eventually succeeded in conceiving). Also, I hate it when people say I'm so young for trying to have children (I'm 27, but live in the Washington DC area, so everyone at church asks why we don't have children, and people at work think I'm crazy for trying to start so young). Anyway, this is really long, but when I read your posts, I don't feel alone. So, thank you:) You say what I'm thinking much more eloquently!

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