Wednesday, April 1, 2009

{...not okay...}

No matter who you are, who you are asking, or what their circumstance...
The following questions (in my mind) are inappropriate...

'Why don't you have kids?'

'When are you going to have kids?'

'Are you trying to have kids?'

Noooooot okay.

29 comments:

lauren said...

agreed.

Jen Nelson said...

Amen.

Although I like the reaction I get when I tell them I tried and got cancer and am just a little scared to try again!

Ha!

Ashley said...

Um, yeah. Really people? So, it looks like you had fun in Cali. Sad we missed you.

Wright Bunch said...

Ya know i think some people were just robbed of common sense. IDIOTS.

The VerNooy's said...

I totally agree! Why can't people just mind there own freaking business?!?! I'm so sick of those questions, we are moving wards. And sometimes I just down feel like going to church at all.

Erin said...

Yes. Double amen.

Harmony. Anthony. Kelton. Kynley. said...

I agree! Although before I went through infertility issues I was guilty of asking 1 of the 3 questions. But I have learned....and hope others will too!

Tina said...

Agreed! I can't stand it. Some people are so ignorant! If they only knew...my favorite one was when someone asked me if I had kids and I said no...their next question was...do you like kids? Stupid people!

Ashley Cooper said...

Agreed! And yet even people who have commented previously have been guilty of asking these questions of others. It is seriously NEVER okay to ask. None of your freaking concern.

blakeandcourt said...

also a big AGREE. There used to be a time when things like money, politics, and your conception plans were kept private.

Carmen said...

Let me preface this by saying I have more couth than to ask these questions...and that I get them having been married and graduated from college for three years, but...

Wow, some of these reactions are more rude or extreme than the questions. Mormon explatives all over the place and even someone saying {out loud} that it makes them not want to go to church? I don't get it. It is a sensitive subject, but I find it odd that a mere aquaintance has that much control over one's hapiness/mood.

The Jensen Family said...

I hate when people ask me those questions, especially when I am doing something as simple as buying my groceries! I always just look at them and ask them how their colon is feeling or when the last time they pooped was, when they give me a weird look-- i always tell them "well, your question was just as weird and way too personal too". Its fun, you should try it!

Carmen said...

Hmmm...I just re-read my comment and it came out less sensitive than I wanted but I don't know the words to say. It isn't OK for people to ask insensitive, deeply personal questions, and it is OK to have bad days and be frustrated with people sometimes, but it is also uncomfortable to read such extreme reactions.

Val'n'Ben said...

If I may add...

Don't pretend that because you have 4 boys, but really want a girl that you "know exactly how I feel!"

You truly don't get it and if I was closer when you said it I may have punched you in the face!

Alli said...

My favorite aunt and her husband no longer go to church because not only were people asking rude questions, but when my aunt and uncle refused to get into with them they tried to tell them they are selfish and worldly. And to make matters worse they try to raise the issue of adopting. My uncle was adopted and had a bad experience so it is a touchy subject, but people just don't stop...after 16 years! I can see how people constantly making you feel guilty about not being able to have kids can make you stay away from church. It's not the right response, but it sure is easy.

Kristin said...

I think you should just tell them that everytime you have a kid, CPS takes it away, so you've decided to stop trying.

Maybe that's too out there, but a fun response would make you feel a little better...

Ashley Cooper said...

I love Kristin's idea! :)

AJ said...

I totally agree. That is why I am debating whether to get a tattoo on my forehead that reads "had a hysterectomy at 27, don't ask" or something to that effect :0)

hehehehe.....

TiffanyJoy said...

I agree I get these questions and I am not even married.

Jamie said...

For the most part I don't think people are trying to be insensitive. Some people are just curious. I also think others see it as normal as talking about the weather. Just a conversation starter. But those things are no excuse. It's a very personal thing to ask someone, especially someone you don't even know that well.

Wright Bunch said...

Someone referenced me in on of these comments and i need clarify. I think that anyone that is able, and by able i mean physically able, not financially or emotionally, or when they are finished with school, I mean "their body is capable of procreating" able, should be having children. (Not to mention that it was the FIRST commandment given in the Garden of Eden)
So I do think it is selfish to make those spirits who are so desperately waiting for their chance to claim their body and chance to come and pass this earthly test to wait any longer than necessary. This is one of the many reasons I don't believe in birth control, besides the fact that it was the very cause of my miscarriages.
I feel it completely depends on the situation. Asking someone you don't know from Adam why they don't have children may just come across as insensitive and rude (especially if it is not something they can help)-
HOWEVER, it really all depends on the way you ask and the spirit of which you ask. If you are asking in a judgmental or demeaning way that is exactly how it will be taken.

Lance and Jewls said...

I think you should add to that, "Who's fault is it?" None of your freaking business! If I wanted to tell the whole world very very personal details like that I would post it on the internet...people are so so so insensitive it chaps me!

Jess said...

I find it really sad that people would allow other peoples ignorance to drive them away from the gospel. I hope you never do that McKenna. I know it's not easy especially in this area to go to church. But that's why this area needs you so much! People are ignorant, they don't mean to be rude or insensitive, they just don't know. Your blog helps people to understand these issues and that they are real, and that they are out there. I hope you never take offense to these things, just nicely teach them why you don't have children. Think of a fun loving way to tell them. You could say something like, well I would love to have children but my uterus doesn't agree. I don't know, I hope this doesn't come off as insensitive. My husband and I talk about this a lot because a lot of the people I know have a hard time getting pregnant, or have had a lot of miscarriages. Randy said "I had no idea it was so hard to get pregnant" and I think a lot of people don't realize the enormity of it. People grow up and they are surrounded by women who get pregnant easily (or perhaps don't talk about the trouble they had) and they just assume it's the same for everyone. There are times where I wonder why people don't have children, but thankfully I don't ask. I figure if they want to talk about it, they'll bring it up. But there are times, I'm going to be honest, it's hard not to bring it up. Also, if the subject of kids or future is brought up, please don't take offense to any references the people make about having kids. It just comes up. I've gotten in trouble for saying I hope our next one is a boy. I don't mean to be insensitive or rude, I know I'm lucky to have my three girls, and I would NEVER compare what I'm going through to what you're going through. I already did that and realized the stupidity of it (I'd have to explain that one, and I was pregnant, so my emotions were ALL over the place, not that that's an excuse). I'm sorry, this is becoming a long comment, I'm sorry. I guess the main point I want to have come across is, teach people in their ignorance. Love them despite the lack of knowledge, and continue to write your blog and let people know that these issues are all around us. I love you Kenna!!

Ashley Cooper said...

I agree with a few of things that have been said.

1) Most people aren’t trying to be rude, but are simply ignorant. I hope that the things McKenna shares make us all think twice about the things we say and do and the effect they may have on those around us.

2) If someone wants to talk about their plans for or their challenges with having children, they’ll bring it up. It’s really not our place to ask, no matter what our intentions.

3) People who are physically able should have children. (I do believe a certain level of emotional health should be a consideration also.) Most of the time we don’t know whether someone is physically able though, and unless they decide to bring it up, it’s not our business.

McKenna - Thank you for trying to teach us and help us understand!

The Harpers said...

I HATE it when people ask me and my husband those questions... It gets old real quick.

Anonymous said...

This has been bugging me for days, so I just want to get it out there. In defense of the girl that said sometimes it's hard for her to go to church. I can sympathize with that, sometimes infertility makes it hard for me to get out of bed, let alone go ANYWHERE. And frankly there is a little bit of sometimes feeling frustrated with God for making things so hard. And whether or not it's true it definitely feels like some of those women in releif society who are with 5 kids under the age of 6 are rubbing it in my face. It's hard, it's a struggle every Sunday.
And I think that something that is just as inappropriate as those questions is telling someone what is appropriate for them to feel. Unless you struggle with infertility you will never ever know how ridiculously painful, and gut wrenching it is.

Jared y Jessica Gale said...

When people ask, I tell them I have a dog. He makes just as much of a mess as a kid does..lolol..as for going to church..I think the hardest day is mothers & fathers day. Obviously for me fathers day isn't as hard but still and its even worse when it falls on a fast and testimony sunday. Yikes..I have to admit I have missed mothers day the last 3 years.

jjmonkeys said...

I just read all these comments and I started thinking about all the years about trying to have kids. Then I started thinking about our adoption. We took a long time to figure out how we felt. Part of the two years we took to fill out our adoption packet was spent sorting our feelings. I think we're at 15 months this time around since we started again. Talk about a long pregnancy. I guess what this long winded post(though not the longest) is trying to say is that half the time we don't really know how we feel ourselves and then people ask and we're like, "uh what?" Maybe thats just Becky and I.

Jeremy and Rebecca said...

you know people made rude comments like that the whole time we were unable to get pregnant, and then after we miscarried we got "well at least you can get pregnant now" or "well I guess you weren't meant to be a mom" or "well you're young so don't worry about it", or "you don't need to be a mom to be fulfilled, find a hobby". even from my family members. now that we have 3 boys under the age of 4 (2 courtesy of Clomid, the latest was a wonderful surprise)- we get "don't you know what causes that?", and "you must have no life", and "wow you guys have your hands full" with a look of pity, and "so are you going to keep trying for a girl?" and other such nonsense. and of course the rude comments about my oldest son who has cerebral palsy and is completely handicapped which I won't even go into. the point is- no matter what the circumstance- someone is going to make a comment b/c they don't understand and human nature is to speak before thinking. I have learned and am still trying to not take it personally and to try not to be offended b/c not everyone is intending to be rude, they just don't know what to say because it is outside their realm of experience.

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