Monday, June 15, 2009

...quarter life crisis...

I must admit, I am feeling a bit lost at the moment.

I shall blame this on the fact that I just got back from California, where I spent my days on the beach, letting the waves calm my soul and take away all my worries. Amazing how it's able to do that, eh? If that state weren't a big hot mess right now, I'd so convince Studly to move us out there. I'm thinking it wouldn't take that much persuasion...

Plus I can't afford the 3.7 million dollar shanty on the beach.

Oh, but one day, you mark my words...

Lately I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm in a state of restlessness with a pinch of distress. I've had to completely shift my focus over the past three years. Being pregnant I was, of course, focusing on becoming a parent and all that entails. Even if only for 5 months, it was hard to make that shift. Then after more failed pregnancies, I didn't know what I wanted or needed to focus on. When the docs found the brain tumor, I was focused on healing physically, which I still am, but there is still empty space.

It's especially hard when the one thing you want to focus on you can't have.

Right now I'm trying very hard to find purpose in life. When you have the same routine day in and day out, it's easy to get lost. I'm trying to get a schedule worked out for me to go back to school in the fall. I can't have babies, but I guess I can get multiple degrees? It will be nice, even though I'm scared to death (these brains aren't what they used to be).

What the, does this even make sense?

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8 comments:

The De Souzas said...

I'm so glad that California had a soothing effect on your soul. I do hate the harsh reality of coming back from a vacation though.

I think the school idea is a stroke of genius.That's exactly what I would do. Also, I saw the comment Trent left on your facebook status a while ago, about doing physical things as a coping mechanism. And while we all know how easy it is to work up the motivation to do crappy hard things like that, we all also know that what Trent said is true. Isn't there a book that talks about that too? "Running with Angels" or something like that? Never read it, but I remember hearing something about it...

Anyway, blah blah blah, welcome home!

serenity said...

I always found that coming back to reality after a vacation was cruelly hard on me, emotionally and mentally. I'm sorry that seems to be the case with you as well.

As for trying to find purpose; a few small goals here and there seem to give me more direction than not. For me, I need a physical goal like running a 5k. Or hiking the Appalachain Trail.

Not that any of it may help you, but something to think about at any rate.

xxx

lauren said...

you can't have a quarter life crisis when you're only 24. hehee.

you'll find what you're supposed to do. perhaps you're already doing it and you just don't realize it yet. and remember, the grass is always greener on the other side. :)

Kayla said...

Here's a goal: Hawaii 2010!

Lisa said...

Of course you make sense! I think almost everyone has a point in their life when they feel like there must be something more. The trick is finding out what it is and how to get to it.

And just to comment on what people are saying about doing something physical...it helps because excercise increases the seratonin in your brain. It's almost like taking a happy pill!

Erin said...

I agree with you about finding a purpose in life. I'm sure this won't be the last time you or I or anyone else will have to stop and reevaluate our life routes.

Welcome back home! Although I'm sure you and Josh were not much pleased to have the workers back at 7am again.

Lance and Jewls said...

Way to go going back to school! My mom thinks I should go get a master's "since we can't have kids" but I said "No way!" Maybe I should reconsider...

Anonymous said...

I totally understand how you feel about going back to school; I'm going back this week and I'm really nervous because it's been well over a year since I was in school. It's not like I was the greatest student ever while I was in school and now I'm going back with what feels like fewer brain cells. Sad.
I feel for your restlessness. I can't put into words how hopeless and lost it feels when you feel like you've lost your purpose. Honestly, when I've felt like this, sticking to a routine, talking with those whose opinions I value (my dad) and doing oh so much soul searching is what has really helped me. I know I should have listed praying somewhere in that list, but I'm not that great of a pray-er (word?) I have found that in my life when I'm feeling this way, talking, talking, talking paired with a lot of soul-searching has helped me eventually gain greater clarity and renewed enthusiasm.

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