Monday, July 6, 2009

...a girl can dream...

Let's be honest here, mmk?

Pregnancy is a part of life. Whether you are capable of it or not. The number of pregnancy announcements I hear on a monthly basis is astronomical. I suppose this, of course, has something to do with the culture I am submersed in. Oh, and maybe the state. I don't know, take your pick.

You know what? That's just fine. I don't enjoy being judged for my lack of kids, and I'm sure those who happen to have 4 in 6 years don't like being judged for their plethora either. We all have the ability to make life choices.

Well, okay, so in my case it's not a choice, but you get me, right?

Therefore, and like I said I'm being honest here, I can't help but daydream about what would happen if I ever saw two pink lines.

A girl can dream right?

Part of me at this moment wants to yell at the top of my lungs, 'Get BENT you friggin' pink, satanic lines!' I won't lie, because like I said, I'm being honest, I have said those words before.

In fact, if you can believe it, I have said worse.

In FACT, I have even cursed those who have been LUCKY and BLESSED enough to SEE those lines.

I know, right? Further proof that I might be evil.

The crazy part of this whole thought process (if you can call it a thought process) is that I have seen pink lines 3 TIMES.

The first? I was devastated. I regret that. Loss #1.

The second? Happy but scared and I felt uneasy. Understandable. Loss #2.

The third? Scared shitless. Loss #3.

See, this is where I am rendered speechless. I mean, because, c'mon, SERIOUSLY?!

Sigh, I'm gonna put you on hold for a moment while I gather my thoughts.

......................................(((annoying elevator hold music)))......................................

It's hard to believe that this is my life. I really think I expect to wake up from this nightmare eventually, but alas, that isn't going to happen. So, you see, I have to turn this nightmare into a life I am able to live. Daily. Most days I think I do quite well. I am a functioning adult, although I have a feeling some might not agree. I do what I have to do to live my life. Some days I have to suck it up. Even when my feet hurt. Even when I feel ill. Even when I would much rather stay in my bed for the next 7 days. Even when I would rather not be social with certain people.

There can't be any excuses. I HAVE to be a responsible adult. For me, for Studly. It wouldn't be fair for me to just quit and make him carry both of our responsibilities on his shoulders.

I have to carry my share. Even though some days I really, really don't want to.

Even though some days he really, really doesn't want to.

We cannot change this. No matter how hard we pray, no matter how hard we try, the facts remain the same. All we can do is pray for strength and for peace and for hope.

Because most days, these are in short supply.

This is life. My life. You know what? It's messy.

It is SO messy.

Thanks for rollin' around in the mud with me.

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Val'n'Ben said...

My dear Kenna, oh how I wish that your posts did not reflect so similarly the struggles in my own life. Words cannot express how I've hoped and prayed that I could be the only one who walks this lonely road. Pregnancy for me reveals itself most times after that loss has already occurred.

My road has not been so lonely since you, and I hope and pray that you gain strength knowing you are not alone. If I am forced to walk this road only for that reason, I'll do it.

lauren said...

i will admit, it is oft times difficult to look at the world through rose colored glasses. especially when so much crap is flung our way. but the very admission of said feelings is cathartic, and i applaud you.

Infertility Goddess said...

Wow, thanks for this post. Maybe I should be sending you some chocolate. Thanks for being my inspiration!

Jen Nelson said...

I wish I had something profound to say... but *sigh* I don't.

Thinking about you.

Ashley Cooper said...

I love you and I very much love your honesty. You're such an inspiration to me! Keep hanging in there; I'm still praying for you!

Heather said...

Wish I knew why this whole fertility thing is so unfair. I don't get why I have had five healthy pregnancies with only a couple bumps in the road and others I love and admire so much (you included) don't get to have that experience. I'm sure it will all shake out in the eternities, but that doesn't make it suck less right now.

Just know I think of you, hope the best for you and am so grateful that you're willing to share so openly. It makes such a difference.

And thanks for being there for my wonderful sister. I adore her and do my best, but I know it helps her so much to have someone walking the same road.

Amy said...

You are not alone my dear:)

Jamie said...

I'm really, really lacking in the "know what to say" department these days. But I love reading your blog. I love that you can lay all your emotions out on the table, that you have no shame in how you feel. I love your bluntness. I love how you say what you want. Yes, it is YOUR life. And YOU can make it good despite your circumstances. Life IS messy. No doubt about that. But you are loved by so many people who obviously don't mind getting dirty with you along the way. That has to count for something.'re not evil. Just human.

Kristin said...

I've spent a freaking fortune on pregnancy tests. Wish I had that money back... (I only saw two bars once, but I lost that little baby).

shiloh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
stephanie said...

I check you blog out quite often. But don't take the time to comment much. You dare say what most others in your situation don't dare admit to feeling. It is refreshing to read. If you remember my comments from the past I have been fortunate to adopt three kids, they are my world. I absolutely love them to pieces but I still would like to see two pink lines too. In my situation, I have been married 11 years have done the whole fertility thing and not one doctor has found what is wrong with us yet. I don't know which is worse, knowing why you can't get pregnant or thinking that you can and it never happening. they probably just both stink.

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