Monday, July 20, 2009

...pass the xanax...

There aren’t words to fully express what I have been feeling the past couple weeks. I can use the same words I have been for the past 2+ years, albeit they are redundant. I can’t recall a time when it has been this hard for me to cope emotionally & mentally with the life trials I have been given. I suppose we all come to our own breaking points now and again, and I am a firm believer in the fact that we don’t have to have it together all the time.

I can barely type these words without hot tears welling up in my eyes. Every minute or so I have to stop, tell myself to breathe, and wipe away the tears before they cascade down my face. These are the moments when I can see how people going through such intense emotional and mental pain use medications to soothe themselves. Not safe and not smart at all, but in moments like these I have no doubt that you will do whatever you can to halt, or at least ease, the pain you feel.

I am very aware that, ‘this too shall pass.’ That there will come a time when I don’t feel so broken and sad, so alone and lost, but that time is not now. I feel weak even admitting that, as I know women and couples who have been through more hell than I have. Who have spent many more years hurting, wondering, and waiting. I admire them, for I know there is no way I could make it without their inspiration. It is my hope that one day I can live up to their examples.

The most overwhelming feeling at the moment is pure sorrow. While I have dealt with boughts of depression, this is quite different. I feel as if sorrow is a completely validated feeling in all of this, although I try very hard to avoid this feeling. Then again, when you literally feel as if your heart is completely split in two, there is nothing else to feel. I will never be pregnant, I will never birth a child, and these are things that I, naively enough, expected to happen in my life. I am mourning the expectations, the life I THOUGHT I would lead. I mourn the fact that my amazing husband has to endure like pain because of problems within my body that we cannot control. He wants nothing more than to be a father, and he cannot have that they way he expected. We both have to live with the pain and sorrow that accompanies such realizations about one’s life.

Guilt is another prominent emotion that rears its ugly head often. Of course there is nothing in my power I can do to control the issues my body has. (Or at least I hope there isn’t) Brain tumors and other disorders are conditions that I have to come to terms with and understand that I didn’t do anything to cause them. While this is the rational thinking I tend to pull out of my butt every once in a while, that doesn’t mean I believe it. One can’t help but think they are not capable, or worthy, or trusted enough to have what they want, and in turn are stricken with things that prevent it from happening. (That’s me trying to wax philosophical, and trust me, I am quite aware that it sounds ridiculous.) That maybe I just wouldn’t make a good mother, so here I am, barren and unable.

It’s especially hard when you are surrounded by those completely capable of doing what you aren’t, and even harder when they are close to you, i.e. family. I will not lie, I feel completely out of place and uncomfortable around them. There are things they don’t understand, and there are surely things I don’t either. It’s fine that they have chosen the path they have for their life. BUT, there are things just as important, just as meaningful that one can do with their life that does NOT involve having children. It seems as if they are fixated on this one part of life. That it’s most important, more revered than any other. It seems completely crazy that when they are well aware of our struggles, that the topic of conversation always turns to who is pregnant, when they are due, what’s going on with their kids, etc. I understand that this is a huge part of your life, but perhaps, maybe, you could calm it down a bit when talking to us. We know . We are aware. We hear you. Please, don’t make us hurt more. We know it’s not intentional, I just wish there was a little more thought before words were spoken and actions taken. Then again, maybe it’s all me and I’m the jackass in these situations. I know I’m not perfect. Trust me on this.

This is the part when I have no energy left to rant more on this subject. It’s a frustrating feeling when you are completely drained by 11:30 am every day because you are fighting so hard to stay stable. Then again, once I hit this, being completely drained, I find it easier to not care, to let it go for a moment or two.

Bottom line of all this crap writing I just exposed you to: This. Is. Hard.

So. Hard.

I am trying.

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AJ said...

Oh Kenna!!! I wish I could take this all away from you! I feel your pain and I'm crying big fat crocodile tears for you right now.

Hang in there.

I want to send your post to all my "in-law" family. People truly don't understand and as much as I want them to understand they won't be able to understand unless they go through what we are going through and that is not something I wish on anybody.

We don't know why we can't have kids in this life and being told by everyone-Prophets, Bishops, Church members, Family that we are here to procreate doesn't help at all.

I've got some extra Xanax....too bad you are so far away.


Infertility Goddess said...

Thank you for this post. I'm sorry for all of your pain. Thank you for putting so eloquently into words the things that I often feel. You are my inspiration. Would you like ME to send YOU some chocolate?

serenity said...

Hugs and love to you. It's hard, more than hard, and it isn't fair that you have to struggle to get through every day.

Sending you peace.


lauren said...

hang in there. just take it a minute at a time... that's all you can do. oh yeah, and i love you.

Ashley Cooper said...

I can't say that I understand, because I don't. But you inspire me because even those it's so incredibly hard, you do keep trying. Thank you!

justine said...

I wish there was something I could say to make the hurt disappear, for at least just a moment... But, I'm at a loss for words.

I guess what I really want to say is that I think you are great and I think you are amazingly strong, especially with the hand you have been dealt and the trials that you have already had to endure.

All in all, I wish that I could give you a big ol' hug right now.
A really BIG hug...yeah, that would hit the spot :) and convey what I am trying to say...

Love the "operation little" button. You can count me and our blog in!

casey and justine said...

We're blogging together at the same time! HAHA. Check out the way cool button on my blog. It totally rocks!

Loves to you from me. Lunch would be so fun. Anytime you happen to be in Vegas, I would love to go to lunch or anytime I happen to be up in Utah. :)

Lance and Jewls said...

Ugh has been a hard day for me too. In fact, I just broke down and sobbed and your post actually made me feel so much better. It's nice to know that someone understands...even though at the same time you wish that they didn't because it sucks and you'd never wish those feelings on anyone!!

Leslie said...

Check out the impact you're having on people's lives! You are a voice for people in your situation who for whatever reason haven't found or haven't used their voice.

We all love you Kenna.

I'm loving the "little" blog, by the way. You're doing a great job on it.

Kayla said...

I know I'm a horrible Visiting Teacher, but please let me know if there is anything I can do. I think of you very often and I miss visiting! It's been a while.

Stephanie said...

Big hugs. And lots of them. :)

Mann Clann said...

Sometimes I down Nyquil or Benadryl if it's been a hard day.

Thinking of you.


stephanie said...

I remember feeling just that way around certain family. It seemed to be all they talked about when I was around. I couldn't understand why they didn't get that topic of conversation was painful for me. I was often told to "just be happy for them and get over it if you can't have kids you can't have kids. move on." Obviously they had never dealt with it themselves and did not know how to show any empathy.

Anonymous said...

If you are using xanax or buspirone in accordance with the instructions of the doctor, you are likely to obtain desired relief from the shackles of anxiety disorder as these medications are known for their effectiveness in treating different types of anxiety disorders. But if you don’t possess first hand information on Buspirone, you should get hold of the fundamental details on the drug before using it.

Jessica GaleforceOne said...

I can honestly say I know how you feel Kenna! I hope and pray everything is well with you /hug


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