Monday, September 7, 2009

...ouch...

I am no stranger to doctors. In fact, I have an entire team.

I see one on a monthly basis. So, naturally, we have become, well, friends. Especially me and Doc Carn. He has been with me since day 1. Through all of my pregnancies, my brain tumor, infertility treatments, and all other diagnosis in between.

And oh boy, it seems like I can't go a few months without some new condition or issue surfacing.

What can I say? I'm an over achiever.

Over the past 3 years I have been diagnosed with the following:

PCOS
(poly cystic ovarian syndrome)
Bicornuate Uterus
Uterine Septum
Pituitary Adenoma (fancy for brain tumor)
Premature Ovarian Failure

Oh, and let's not forget my favorite...

Trigeminal Neuralgia (suicide disease)

Now, you may be thinking, 'That's just impossible.'

If you want, I have no problem acquiring my medical chart so you can see for yourself. Sometimes I read through it whilst at the doc's office because I don't even believe it. Alas, it's all true. I won some type of sick, SICK lottery. Apparently I have amazing odds.

Now, you'd think it just couldn't get any 'worse' than this. There isn't possibly something else I could be diagnosed with, right?

Apparently my life has been too boring lately because at the doc on Friday I was told I have severe endometriosis. Now, I know that there are a lot of women who have this, but I just couldn't believe it on top of everything else. I just figured my periods were painful because, well, they were, but they have progressively gotten worse and worse. It's to the point now where I am out of commission for a couple of days because of the pain.

Does this even make sense? I confess, I am completely medicated at this moment in time. Bless my doc for not hesitating to prescribe me some serious op.iates to help with the pain.

I mean, c'mon!

Then again, with this comes finality. With all of the issues I've got going on, it's quite obvious that I will never have a biological child. I know I've said this before, but even as much as I have said it...it hasn't been real to me. It is now. I have accepted it. Now this doesn't mean it isn't so hard, but I am able to move on.

Maybe that's why I can laugh about this latest diagnosis.

Oh well right? What do we do?

We move forward.



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26 comments:

Josh and Kandice said...

Move forward, sweet girl! You're gonna be a mom one way or another. I'm so sorry you've had all these problems but it's also amazing you are still here! Love your blog and you.
Oh, and I've heard that endometriosis can be a bi.otch! Hope you get feeling better.

blakeandcourt said...

Oh that is so crappy! Feel better!

The Wendler Family said...

Just when they frosted your cupcake they top it off with sprinkles...
I am amazed that you have all of those things going on and you are still such a strong, optimistic woman. I think we could all be a little more like you Kenna.

lauren said...

eesh. i'm sorry my dear.

Jamie said...

You can laugh about it? Psh, I did not laugh. My mouth dropped open. I was like, "seriously?!?" Kenna, you weren't kidding about the sick lottery. You will get through this though, just like you get through everything else. And you will do it with courage, just like you do everything else. And I will totally admire you, as usual. Anyhoo, keep truckin' along dearie. Thank heavens for doctors who aren't afraid of prescribing some killah meds.

Ashley Cooper said...

Good grief! Haven't you paid your dues already? That's insane! Glad you're laughing though. Also, you have got to be the toughest person I know.

Losee Family said...

sorry to hear the news

thelewisfamily said...

I've got endometriosis too. I'm sorry. Is it the icing on the cake or the straw that broke the camel's back? You're a strong lady!

Maranda said...

Wow, I'm so sorry Kenna! I don't even know what to say, except that you're awesome. They say Heavenly Father doesn't give us trials more than we can bare, but for some people, I wish He didn't trust us so much! Thanks for being so sweet to me and allowing me to whine about my petty problems. You're so amazing and strong! Let me know if I can do anything for you.

Anonymous said...

We all have trials/heartaches in some form or another. No one's is greater than another's...they just come in different forms. And yes it's your blog but you've left it open for anyone to read so you can only expect varying opinions.

Kenna said...

Yes, I do leave it open, and of course I expect varying opinions, but I am confused.

Of course we all have trials/heartaches in this life and yes, they come in all sorts of different ways. I never disputed that.

I don't believe I said what I'm going through is worse or 'greater.' I write about my experiences because that's what I have. I can't write about yours or anyone's for that matter. This is cathartic for me.

I'm sorry you have to post behind anonymity and think that I am posting to show my trials are more than yours or anyone's.

That isn't the case at all. I'm here to show what the world of infertility entails, and to connect with other women who feel the same.

Anonymous said...

All I can go by is the tone I feel from your words which come across to me that your trials are greater.

I post anonymously because we don't know each other & that's how I address others whom I don't know online. Don't see why you'd be interested in knowing a stranger's name on the internet, anyway.

I don't see why those who are infertile feel that those of us who have children need to know in detail what your trials with infertility are. I'm aware of what others'/friends infertility entails but don't see the need for a special awareness day or week on it as the issue of infertility is just another trial...same as we all experience any type of trials.

Kristen said...

Dear Anonymous:

You said, "I'm aware of what others'/friends infertility entails but don't see the need for a special awareness day or week on it as the issue of infertility is just another trial...same as we all experience any type of trials."

I see your point. There shouldn't be a Veteran's Day because all the shit that soldiers went through defending/creating this country weren't "greater trials" than the ones the rest of us go through? And there shouldn't be a Mother's Day or a Father's Day or a Grandparents' Day because the struggles of taking care of a child aren't "greater trials" than those who don't have children experience?

We shouldn't have a MLK Day, or a Labor Day, or a St Patrick's Day, right?

Oh, and we most definitely shouldn't have an Easter, because remembering and recognizing that Christ suffered is such a downer.

I don't think it's ANYBODY's right to determine how great someone else's trial is, and therefore pass judgement on how they choose to vent or express themselves. How can you say that Kenna's tone indicates that she feels her trials are greater than yours? As you said, you two don't know each other. You do not have a personal relationship with her. Unlike myself, you have never had the privilege to vent to Kenna about the trials and misadventures of your own life only to be met with the most sincere friendship, sympathy, and understanding. Never, in all times I have complained to her about things that have gone wrong in my own life, has Kenna ever said, "Yeah, well at least you don't have [insert here] like me." Nowhere on this blog did she say, "None of you have it as badly as I do."

As you noted above, this is her blog. If she chooses to use it to release her frustrations about some of her trials, I think that is well within her rights. If you choose a more private setting for your own lamentations, than bully for you. I just hope that if you are brave enough to expose your insecurities and struggles with others in the hopes that shared experiences will make all of you stronger, like Kenna has with hundreds of other womena and couples struggling with infertility through this blog, that you find people who are supportive and loving. Or at the very least, know when to keep their mouth shut.

lauren said...

dear anonymous,

i find your comments to be quite disheartening. i say this because i think that too often this blogging world becomes too negative; it's so easy for someone to comment whatever they wish and not have to own up to, or take responsibility for, what they say. i find this practice incredibly cowardly.

it's true that kenna has opened herself up to the criticism of others. this is the nature of having a public blog. however, she has bravely shared her darkest days with people she has never met, and has reached out to many who have experienced similar trials. i personally know that this blog has been cathartic for her... it has literally helped her crawl back from the teetering edge that she was standing upon. it has helped her to begin to heal. and because you read into her words some type of sanctimony, that she in some way thinks that her problems supersede others, you in essence condemn the good she has done with this blog. (not to mention the fact that you are completely misreading the content.) if you have an issue with the whole concept that is infertility, this is not the place for you to express such angst.

i think that anyone who has any sort of trial should be allowed to express their feelings, however unwarranted or cursory said trial may seem to others. those people, such as yourself, can merely abstain from reading such things, if it bothers you so much. i would kindly suggest putting the energy you have expended on hurting a lovely woman's feelings toward something a bit more positive.

Val'n'Ben said...

"just another trial"

Did I catch that right? If infertility ever needed a poster child for exactly why it is so important to spread awareness, it's your anonymous friend here!

It's so easy to discount what others experience as "just another trial" when we have never experienced it for ourself.

Those whining breast cancer bitches better watch out, right? Sure you'll probably comment anonymously on some blog that breast cancer is just another trial, but you'll never have the guts to look into the eye of someone who has lost all her beautiful hair and whose scalp is burned and bleeding because she's not willing to quit yet.

What does breast cancer have to do with infertility? Nothing really. However it has come out of obscurity and into full light through awareness and education. Women were once discouraged from talking about breast cancer because it was private and dealt with private parts of the body.

Infertility is private, it's awkward because we make it so. It's difficult to read Kenna's blog for me at times because it's just like looking in a mirror. For you I imagine it's difficult because you have absolutely no experience with infertility ad your ignorance makes you better than us. Isn't that the tone of your comment? What you're really saying is "just because I've got children I've got problems too. Acknowledged, now let us get back to acknowledging and dealing with our own.

I get from your comment that you are a spiritual person, I'd venture to guess you're probably even in the same religion that I am. The Lord commanded us that we should "mourn with those that mourn... and comfort those that stand in need of comfort." I've read those words many times and not once did I see the condition placed upon it that we are only required to mourn with those who mourn because of trials we understand!

Trent and Janel Lyman said...

Dear Anonymous,
Can I ask you a question? Do you see a need for other awareness days ie: autism, breast cancer? I do not know you, you've not even given me a chance to know who you are, but just from your comment I feel you are a bit ignorant. We have those types of awareness days so we, those of us who are not struggling with it, can EDUCATE ourselves on the issues.

I don't struggle with infertility, but I'm so thankful to have a friend who is so open about it. Because of Kenna I can have an educated (at least I feel educated) conversation with someone who is going through this, I feel for them. What a terrible trial to have in life. I wish with all my heart that I could take away the pain and emptiness that every infertile woman feels. But that is not my place in life. I've come to realize that, with everything, it has it's place in the great plan of our Father, as crappy as it is.

As far as Kenna feeling that her trials are greater than anyone elses...WHAT! All I read was that she's got another thing on her list of things wrong with her mortal body! And let me tell you, I AM SO GLAD those aren't my trails, but ever so sad that ALL of those have to be hers! She is amazing. My life is better for knowing her.

Kristin, you are amazing, you just put into words what I could not. Amen to all you said!

Jen Nelson said...

oh Kenna! You really should play the lottery! I am so sorry sweetie! I have heard that is pain unlike any other!

and, um, hmm... why should infertility be swept under the rug? I don't hide the fact at all what I went through to get pregnant. It's not anything to be ashamed about. Why can't we help lift each other up instead of looking down on someone for pouring their heart out?

Hey Kenna - maybe if you get ONE more disease/horrible diagnosis anon will give you some sympathy? hahaha

Love you girl!

Jen Nelson said...

Alright... I had to come back. I was trying to hold my tongue but honestly?

"I don't see why those who are infertile feel that those of us who have children need to know in detail what your trials with infertility are."

I am so glad you were blessed with children easily - it isn't something I would wish on anyone. But are you that big of an asshole? What I read was "I can have kids so I don't give a shit that you can't. Stop boo-hooing about it because obviously something that I didn't experience can't be that big of a deal."

You, anonymous, are an bitch. And probably a miserable human being and a weak person that couldn't handle the trial of infertility. Sorry your life sucks (minus the kid thing).

Get bent.

Anonymous said...

**I am NOT the bitchy anonymous**

I don't see why those who are fertile feel that those of us who don't have children need to know in detail what your trials with fertility/your kids are. I'm aware of what others'/friends fertility entails but don't see the need for a special awareness day, birthdays or week on it as the issue of fertility is just another trial...same as we all experience any type of trials.

Ha!

Ashley Cooper said...

Kenna,
I love you! I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your friendship. While I recognize that my trials are small in comparison to yours and those of many others, you have always let me vent my own frustrations. You have always validated my feelings and those of others. I think the world of you!

And a big fat DITTO to Kristen, Lauren, Val, Janel, and Jen.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry Kenna for any hurt I've caused you by my words as it wasn't intentional. I was reading other links on your page & went to your friend Val's blog & read what she'd said about fertile women being dumb...which I found quite rude & insensitive/offensive & my annoyance at that spilled over into my words to you about infertile women. I shouldn't have posted while feeling that way. I didn't realize how my words came across until others responded...I had no intentions of offending anyone & I'm sorry I did.

Kristin said...

One of the few good things about me not being able to have a biological child is I was finally able to stop having a never ending period and get surgery to fix it. Now at least I don't have to go through the misery of a period for nothing. I don't miss my perios at all! (Other two great things: 1) aylie 2) the sex stays good because I've never had to deliver a baby.) Probably TMI!

Kristin said...

p.s. I'm glad anonymous posted an apology. Bottom line is if you don't like the posts, don't read the blog. Duh!

TIM&SHAN said...

WOW what a response!!! FIRST I have to say Kenna I dont even know you but in the past 2 weeks since finding your blog I have been inspired and felt a sense of peace and love that I am not alone. I am so grateful for you and your corageous posts. You say what I wish I could say. You are so strong and I look to you for strength. I am so sorry that you have yet another medical problem, but I am grateful that it has given you some finality. After being so confused for so long about what is wrong with my own body, I pray for the comfort of knowing whats going on so I can also move on if needs be. I love you, my infertile sister;)
AND BTW I second what Jen Nelson said.
HEY ANONYMOUS...GET BENT
SCREW YOUR APOLOGY, IF YOU ARENT GRATEFUL FOR YOUR KIDS AND LOOK AT THEM AS A TRIAL THEN GIVE THEM AWAY TO SOMEONE WHO WILL APPRECIATE THEIR BLESSING.
you will never have any idea what this is like and will never know the impact of your cold and unkind words. BUT you know what
Karma is a bitch and so are you. You will get what you deserve

Jamie said...

Wow, Kenna. Your friends got your back, big time! Love you!

Nicole said...

Wow Mckenna! You didn't do Anonymous' comments justice! That was EXTREMELY harsh!!! If she's so ignorant to other peoples trials and doesn't seem to care, she doesn't need to look at your blog. Does this woman have any friends???? I strongly doubt it.

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