Tuesday, October 6, 2009

...busted radio...

More often I will most likely refer to myself as a, 'busted record player.' You know, because I repeat myself all. the. time. Today, however, the term, 'busted radio' fits better.

Allow me to elaborate.

You know when we all used to have boom boxes? Because were cool? These boom boxes did not have digital tuners, so we had to move that little dial back and forth, back and forth, until we picked up on a clear signal. That signal would last for a couple days or so, then it would go all fuzzy. So again, we'd turn the dial back and forth to try and pick up another clear signal. Oft times the dial was only 1/8 of an inch (probably less) away from where it was previously placed.


With everything that has medically gone on in the past couple years, it has left my body and more so, my hormones, all messed up. The brain tumor I had crushed my pituitary gland therefore causing some serious hormone issues. So, my doctors put me on some medications to help out. These meds will work wonderfully together for a certain amount of time, then things start to get fuzzy. Then I have to go back and have everything adjusted, sometimes ever so slightly, to get a 'clear signal' again.


Lately I am feeling quite fuzzy. It's that awkward feeling when you are out of sync with yourself.  I am quite sure this is also why I am not sleeping. (See post below)  It's a harsh reminder of my reality.  Don't get me wrong, I have come to terms with all of this, but that doesn't make it any less annoying.  There is no worse feeling than being uncomfortable in your own skin, for whatever reason.  It is one thing that can bring me to instant tears and subsequently, instant melt-downs.  (Don't believe me?  Ask Studly, he's got more proof that necessary, which is also quite frightening because he could black mail me if he so desired) 

It seems as though my writing has suffered as well.  I have started 4 different posts in the past 5 or so days that I just can't finish.  I am struggling from a writer's block that is bigger and badder than anything I have experienced in the past.  I blame 97% of this on the fact that I still haven't been able to write a 'birth parent' letter for our adoption profileI spent 2 hours staring at a blank word document last night.  Writing is my thing, ya know?  I'm not great at it but I am not that bad either.  I would rather write a 25 page term paper on global warming.  I am scared to death of this letter, of saying the wrong thing.  Writing here on the blog, I mean, I want you Readers to like what you are reading but its' not like any of you are thinking about placing your baby with us.  The worst that happens here is some anonymous punk makes a punky comment in which all my loyal followers eat them for dinner.  (It's an amazing phenomena, take a look here.  Read the comments.) 

Seriously, though, I just feel off.

It's maddening.

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lauren said...

i think we all feel like that at one point or another... though that fact does not alleviate the feeling of annoyance that one has when personally experiencing it. i think we should go on a vacation. to somewhere beachy. and stay there awhile. i'm craving me some ocean.

Mike and Tammy said...

Hi, I found your blog while blog stalking and I hope you don't mind me leaving a comment. We too, are struggling with infertility. After 8 heartbreaking miscarriages, we decided to try adoption to expand our eternal family. I have to agree with you, writing the birth parent letter was the hardest thing I have ever had to write. After reading others, and LOTS of prayer, we finally finished ours. Best of luck in your adoption. I would like to follow your blog if that's ok.

Ashley Cooper said...

You may be suffering from the worst case of writer's block ever, but I still love your writing. Love the analogy, really love your last paragraph.
I'll pray for you as you write your birth parent letter, because that sounds super intimidating to me too. If you want someone to look at some of your ideas, I'd be more than happy to. I'm not brilliant or anything, but I know that sometimes it helps to have someone else look at it. You could even start with a list. "I want to say something about this, and something about this, and something about this." Okay, I'm rambling now.
Summary: I love you, I love your writing, and I'll do whatever I can to help you out. Let me know.

TIM&SHAN said...

kenna, I can't even begin to undersand how you must be feeling... I have felt out of sync with my body ever since my d&C but I wont even pretend to know what it feels like after a brain tumor and all the other things you have endured. All i can say is I love you wihout ever meeting you, and I pray for you every night.
I also love your writing and find inspiration in it always... Thankyou for being you, even when you dont feel like "you"
Sending love your way;)

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