Wednesday, October 14, 2009

...i was made for this...

It's 2:37 in the am.  I have no clue why I am not enjoying a nice, long, peaceful sleep.  Psh, a long and peaceful sleep.  I am childless and I still rarely get a long and peaceful sleep.  It's not in my genetic code.

My mind is spinning.  I really wish that deep thinking burned calories

I keep thinking about something a friend told me this evening.  (seriously, the Lord has blessed me with the most amazing friends and family.  they are always offering such amazing words of wisdom, right when i need it.  i. am. blessed.)  We were talking about how long and arduous the adoption process is, and how when Studly and I attended the orientation meeting (for the 3rd time) they told us that basically it was giong to take a while to even get us started with a case worker.  Studly and I didn't care, we moved forward.  There is a lot of waiting in this game anyway, so we had better get used to it now.  This is exactly what my friend said as well.  Not only that, but she made the comment that having someone, during the orientation, comment about the length of time it could take to even get started could very well weed out certain couples.  Not saying every single couple there didn't want to be there, but hey, I went to the orientation 3 times before I finally got my act together and really wanted to move forward.  (i'm trying my best to express this, please keep in mind that it's almost 3 in the am)

She got me thinking.

You know what?  I struggle with the fact everything is taking longer than I expected.  I truly do.  I struggle with hard things, but hey, that's normal, correct?  I oft times wonder what, exactly, does the Lord want me to prove to Him?  That I can do hard things?  That I can handle trials that push me to hell and back? Doesn't He already know what I can handle?  Then why on earth would He put me through this if He is already aware of the outcome, of my ability?

Maybe it's not He who needs the proof. 

I need the proof.

I need to know that I can do this.  That I can handle hard things. 

I doubt myself a lot.  I figure that is human nature.  I would venture a guess that we have all struggled with having faith in ourselves.  How often do we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt?  For me, it's hardly ever.  This is crazy!  Want to know why?  Because I can totally do this.  I was MADE for hard things.  Remember this?  I thought I was going to die from a broken heart.  I didn't.  Remember how I had a brain tumor?  I totally rocked that trial.  I'm still rocking it.  Now, don't get me wrong, I have bad days, but all-in-all, I'd have to say I totally kicked Tubby's trash.  Remember how infertility was the bane of my existence?  I survive.  Every day.

Why?

I was MADE for this.

As were you.


You are made for this.  (this being whatever trials you are facing)

I know we hear all the time that our trials are tailor made.  Just for us.  To fit perfectly.  This, I have no doubt, is completely true.  We all have things we need to learn, to master, to understand (to the best of our ability).  We have a loving Heavenly Father who, in His perfect and infinite wisdom, is able to put us into situations that will ultimately, if we let them, bring us closer to Him.  Make us more like Him.  I know how hard it is to remember this when it feels like you are barely treading water, trust me.  I do not know why losing my little girl, a brain tumor, infertility, and now the adoption process are all necessary in my path to become the person I need to be.  I don't know why I need to be stretched this way.  It hurts.  I am tired.  I am oft times confused, frustrated, and hurt.  I have cried more than I ever thought possible in a life time.   I have fallen to my knees and plead that my trials be lessened, that the burden on my shoulders be taken away.  I have yelled at God, told Him that I had no capability to do what He was asking.  Yet, after all my doubt, my questioning, my lack of faith in Him and in me, He still knows that I need this.  In order to be who He needs me to be, who others need me to be, who I need me to be... I must finish the task at hand. 

I was MADE for this.  

As were YOU.



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20 comments:

Kent and Leisy said...

way to be emk. Physically-mentally-emotionally-spiritually- It's how you are made. and you are an inspiration. each of us is made for a different purpose- and mine is ever so far from yours- but I feel like I can learn so much.

The Dahle's said...

ah man kenna you just made me cry. the whole post gave me cold chills and I am pretty sure you got through to everyone with this. you. are. amazing.

Ashley Cooper said...

You brought me to tears. This is so true, and so beautifully written. You are clearly NOT gospel retarded. :) I love you a million - call me later and let me know how today went!

Also, I feel even more awful that I woke you up at 7:30. I owe you BIG time!

TIM&SHAN said...

I am trying really hard right now to not ball my eyes out. I feel like I just read a conference talk.
You Kenna are a light to the world;) Thankyou for this.
You are an instrument in the Lords hands. You are honest, strong, and beautiful.
I feel like this post was just for me;) Thats why I said I feel like I just read a conference talk. I wish the whole world could read this post.

Harmony said...

WOW! thank you so much for this- I have been going through some hard times lately and I really needed to hear this! You are an answer to my prayers. thank you! :)

Jewls said...

Kenna I love you! You're amazing and have such a way with words! Thanks for sharing that, it was so uplifting!

Maranda said...

You are absolutely right in everything you just said! And ditto to Harmony, You are the answer to A LOT of people's prayers.

AJ said...

This is now one of my favorite posts! How we all need to remember this. I was just thinking how I do not like the adoption process at all and don't think I can handle it.

Thanks for reminding me I can.

:-)

Jen Nelson said...

Whoa. You should write more often at 3am!

That brought tears to my eyes. You amaze me. This is something we all need to be reminded of!

You seriously rocked my socks girl and I'm not even wearing socks!

Kristin said...

Great post and I totally agree.

Richard and Emily said...

I love this. Thank you for always inspiring. :) You are wonderful and I feel so blessed to have found your blog and thus to have found a friend. :) Thanks for lifting me up with things like this.

Susan said...

Brought tears to my eyes. I miss you guys. Keep getting stronger! I believe you can do it too.

Trent and Janel Lyman said...

I received an email about what a 90 year old lady had learned in life. One of the things was, "Yell at God,Be mad at God, He can handle it." It was a good reminder that life isn't always perfect and it is okay to be mad, upset, or whatever else.
Trent

Josh and Kandice said...

Way to be Kenna! It's such a hard trial for all us inferitility victims but we must keep moving forward, we can do it! Thanks for giving me a good pep talk.

Amy said...

Wow Mckenna! You are an inspiration. Thank you

Jessica GaleForceOne said...

Awesome post McKenna! Very encouraging and inspirational!

I think you hit it on the dime!

Ashley said...

I have always thought that thinking really hard should burn calories!!! I actually think it does in some cases...

Everything was well said and I totally agree with you. But I want to add one thing: Shit happens. In your case, quite a lot of it, actually. Sometimes I think God deliberately sends it our way for some higher purpose. More often, I think it just happens. It's still part of the deal to try and navigate through it but I think my view of God would be much different, much more cruel and arbitrary, if I really believed that he "sent" everything bad that has ever happened to you, or anyone for that matter. I don't know how that is supposed to make you feel...just wanted to put it out there.

Jamie said...

Love this post. I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. Just that you are great and I love you.

Heather said...

Thanks so much for this beautiful post, Kenna. I think of you often, pray for you and am soooo on your side.

Not only were you made for this, you're definitely not alone. Don't forget that.

Loves...

Heather

Shantel said...

I just found this post and was uplifted. Thank you for sharing.

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