Wednesday, November 4, 2009

...kickdrum beating in my chest again...

I cannot manipulate outcomes.

This phrase has been playing on repeat in my head for a couple days now.  (credit for that phrase goes to sensei.  she is full of wisdom)  

I feel anxious during most of my waking moments, and sleep is hard to come by.  I have done well when it comes to keeping my feelings and struggles with infertility at bay, but lately I am losing my ability to move through it.  It's such a complex situation.  Even when I have other situations and things in life keeping my attention, infertility waits patiently and quietly.  Knowing that eventually I'll make my way back  In the quiet moments when the fog from the world clears, infertility reminds me I am without.  That I hurt so bad emotionally that I begin to ache physically.

That my arms are empty, and my heart is suffering.

Some days this is simply too much for me to handle.

I have been working on stretching my brain to accept the Lord's time frame.  (yet more wisdom from sensei)  Most days I accept that it won't happen this year, or probably the next year.  That if it is the Lord's will to not happen, it won't.  Now, I'm not saying that I have given up hope, that is not the case in the slightest.  What I am saying is I hope for the opportunity to be a mother, but if in the end it doesn't happen, I can live with it and not be miserable.  This has been one of the hardest things to learn, and you know what, I'm still working on it.

Sigh, but that's most days.

Today is not most days.

Today I have had to remind myself on multiple occassions to breathe steadily.  I've had to practicallly yell at myself that, 'I cannot manipulate outcomes.' and beg myself to believe it.  I've fallen to my knees and attempted to beg for comfort, but all that passes my lips are sobs.  Most days I feel like I understand, to an extent of course, but today the feelings are raw.

You know what doesn't help?


I went to the visit my doc. on Monday and I walked out with 4 new prescriptions.  I cannot tell you how much this feels like a kick in the gut to me.  While I am well aware that the meds I am given are for my benefit, it's still not fun to swallow a cocktail of different pills every night.  It's like a reminder that I am not 'normal' yet.  (what is normal anyway? can someone give me a good definition?)  My frustration builds as I think of why I am here.  Ugh, a brain tumor!?  Seriously!?  Who gets a brain tumor?  It just seems so random, so uncalled for.  (yes, I am indeed saying that with as much disdain as you are thinking)

Um, hold the phone, dramatic much?

I apologize for that outburst. 

Today, my heart cannot take this.  My arms cannot survive being empty.

It's true, courage doesn't always roar.

In my case?

It cries.

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Anonymous said...

i will cry with you because my heart bleeds too...

Josh and Kandice said...

Oh sweetie, I know exactly how much your arms ache, mine do too. It's been especially rough this past week when my LITTLE brother and his wife had their SECOND baby just a YEAR after their first one. It's not fair. It's always there reminding me of what my Josh and I don't have. I'll get through it though, it won't be easy, but I'll live.
I love you and will pray for comfort for you. The Lord's time frame isn't exactly working with mine. I need to be more patient.
Love you sweet girl!

Me said...

It's okay for courage to cry. I hope tomorrow is better. Thank you for making my "tomorrow" better.

TIM&SHAN said...

Oh Kenna
My heart aches and aches for you.
All I can say is I have felt this way many times. NOt saying that I can even begin to understand all that you have gone through, but I have felt so low I thought I would fall through to the center of the earth.
YOu need to cry, you need to sob and scream. I dont know why things happen the way they do. BUT I have learned through all of it that one day you will see why and how, and all your questions will be answered, and ALL will be made up to you. You are a precious precious women and your tears are counted.
you WILL be a Mother.
Sorry for the novel, I guess what I mean to tell you is tears are streaming down my face now and I am crying with you. LOve you.

Erin said...

I wish I could say something that would help, but all I can think to do is say a prayer for you and hope you can feel some comfort.

Roger and Tasha said...

You are strong Kenna. I admire that. We have great respect for you and Josh both :)

Anonymous said...

my heart hurts for you...

The Winkels said...

My heart aches for you Kenna my dear. This is Mandi (aka infertility goddess). I wish I had something to offer, but just know that you are in my prayers. Still keeping my eyes and ears out for you in your quest to fill up those arms.

Anonymous said...

Your friend has some really good advice. They are also things I think we all could benefit from. Thanks for sharing her wisdom.

You are obviously surrounded by people who care about you. We are all cheering for you.

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