Thursday, January 14, 2010

...cookies crumble with excessive force, trust me...

"i'm ready to feel now
no longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
it must be time to move on now
without the fear of how it might end"

                                                                              'ready to love again,' lady antebellum

lately i have had no desire to express anything on this blog.  i know most of my readership are amazing people who are supportive and kind.  in fact, i have made many friends because of this blog.  it's an amazing phenomena, really, if you think about it.  however, with public writing, especially using the internet as your medium, there are always going to be nay sayers.  it is completely within their rights to say whatever they want about what i write, but it can be disheartening.  many of the anonymous comments come from the mouths of people i know.  they are too afraid (i guess?) to put their name with their thoughts.  every single post i write, whether accepted by the masses or not, ends with my signature.  meaning i stand by what i write, liked or not.  some read and find cruel satisfaction in my struggle and pain.  it's pathetic and sick of them, and i try to remind myself that for every awful person that contacts this blog, there are ten fold wonderful individuals who offer strength and courage. 

to the latter type of individuals, know that i adore you.

for the past week i have had a hard time.  with everything.  it completely throws me off my game because 95% of the time i am completely capable of living my life without too many glitches.  sure, bumps in the road arise, but i conquer them relatively easily and quickly.  so imagine my distress when i'm moving along just fine and i hit a thick, unrelenting, brick wall.

i have a headache, naturally.

oh, i've hit brick walls before, trust me.  i've hit 'em and hit 'em hard.  this has been completely different, however.  it's not just one thing.  not a loss, not a brain mass, not a tragedy, a disappointment.  it's everything.  everything that has ever made me hurt or struggle was built up into a big, mean, nasty wall of mean and mcnastiness.

yeah, that's right.

i walked away dazed and i feel as if i have yet to shake it off.  i have caught myself walking with my eyes closed, or staring straight forward without blinking, going about my day in complete oblivion.  i have nothing more to offer this world at the moment, unless breathing counts.

all i've had to offer in the past 11 days is my own breath.

in december of 2007 i was in my kitchen baking.  (no, really, i was)  cookies, actually.  we were poor, so i decided to make christmas cookies for the neighbors.  i remember feeling quite the mess that day.  2007 was awful for us.  we lost our daughter, i had two subsequent miscarriages, and just a few weeks prior to the cookie baking i had been diagnosed with a brain tumor.  can you blame me for being a little on edge?  so i baked.  and baked.  and baked.  7 dozen cookies later, i was cleaning up when something (a fuse, a switch, a neuron, who knows) snapped inside my head.  for the first time in a long time, i started to cry.  the crying turned into sobbing.  the kind where your tears scald your face and you can't control your diaphragm so your breathing is scattered and shallow.  some how this turned to anger.  i took those cookies, one by one, and threw them as hard as i could.  against the wall, the windows, the door.  the cookies exploded like little fireworks, into a million pieces all over my floor.  i hurled every single one of those damn cookies.  my shoulder ached.  i was crying so hard that i threw up in the sink but that didn't stop me.  i didn't stop until i had 7 dozen-billion pieces of cookies surrounding me.  in true dramatic fashion, i collapsed to my kitchen floor and stared into nothing.  i felt nothing.  i thought nothing.  i was just breathing.  that was all i had strength to do.  that was all i had to offer to anyone.

in that moment, just like this one, all i have energy to do is breathe.  for some that simply isn't enough.  fortunately, for those who really do care and love me, it is.  they accept me no matter what i have to offer each day, for it changes.  they move with me, through the ebb and flow of life, and i with them.

it's the small things that help me suck in a breath and let it out.  i received an email from a friend a few days ago that simply read,

'So I saw this and thought of you:'

image from notebookdoodles

i admit, the last thing i think i have is courage.  perhaps that is because i know that my visceral reaction to hard things is not one of courage.  it is usually a reaction out of fear or doubt.  i wish i could say that i face every trial, every struggle with the face of courage, but i don't.  i don't face the world with a brave face every day.  most days it's with a scowl and a promise that, 'i'm gonna lose it if you mess with me today' sliding off my lips.  (it's an empty threat, trust me)  this is a great reminder that the pain, the hurt, the nights when instead of comfort you pray for never ending sleep, it's all going to be for your good, and probably the good of others, but only if you let it.  yes, pain nourishes courage, if you let it.  how else are we supposed to prove to ourselves that we are brave if we are never given the opportunity to be?  this doesn't mean you run into a burning building and save an old lady, a baby, and a cat, although that is definitely courageous and brave in my book.  it means trusting in the Lord, letting Him mold you.  it means giving life the benefit of the doubt.  accepting that which we can't control, and taking advantage of that we can.  it's moving forward despite big, mean, nasty walls of mean and mcnastiness.

it means breathing, even when we feel like breathing isn't doing us or anyone any good.  breathing is an involuntary action of our body.  even when we aren't consciously focusing on breathing, our body takes care of it.  it's innate.  breathing in, breathing out. 

we are all brave, because it is not innate in us to shy away, to give up.  just like it's not innate for our body to quit breathing.

we all experience pain.


we are all brave

we all have courage.

even when all you have to offer is your breath.  that is enough.  

i promise. 

"but all that I know is i'm breathing.
all I can do is keep breathing."

                                                                                    'keep breathing,' ingrid michaelson

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Tressa said...

You're the best breather I know. I love you.

Jessica GaleForceOne said...

Great post! I wish I could say what I threw was was a plate.

Even though you don't think that you are courageous you are for sharing and telling your true thoughts and feelings.

/Shakes finger
For-shame to any who make anonymous comments and tell you this or that. They need to understand and realize that they have NO...absolutely NO idea what it is like to be you, to be in your shoes, to live your life everyday, and deal with the trials that you deal with. So until such people have (which will never happen because you Kenna Dear are without question uniquely you) had to be you and all your idiosyncrasies and trials they can say what they want til they are blue in the face (which imo would be kinda cool to see).

Try and not fret too much about thems-guys! Because you are so right when you say for every 1 of them there are 10 of us!

We love you!


Eric & Jodi Eames said...

Amen sista! This is your awful used to be friend that used to be good for things too, but now am no longer. I feel ya on those mcnasty days. I've been goin through that as well and I am so sorry I haven't been there for you like Janel and your other great blogger friends. You truly are loved and I think theres a lot of lives you've changed for the better because of your courage. I do love you despite my lack of talent in showing you that. Please call me anytime you wanna talk or invite me over for a cookie throwing contest.

Cali said...

Kenna, I love this post. Thanks for sharing.

Jewls said...

That's a great thought! And honestly, smashing cookies sounds like fun...except the clean-up part!

Ashley said...

Thank you for breathing. That alone inspires me. And your writing continues to uplift and amaze me. Wow, I'm lucky to have you as a friend. Remember that I love you. And keep breathing - 'cause it's enough for now.

Ashley said...

P.S. I love the quote your friend shared. Thank you friend for sharing it Kenna and thank you Kenna for passing it along.

Jewls said...

Oh yeah, I forgot...I have an award for you over at my place :)

A said...

The reason that I choose to remain annonymous is because I to fear judgement and there is someone on your blog that I know and just choose not to have her know that I write here.

But with that said, I think you are the bravest person that I have ever seen. Do not let the nasty poster get you down. Reading your posts helps me realize how lucky I am and how we need to live life to the fullest everyday. Thank you. You truely have changed my life.


Val'n'Ben said...

Kenna, I love you! You are my hero and my example that life goes on and strength endures beyond that which we believe ourselves capable.

I will bake you cookies anytime you run out of things to throw. Anytime.

Trent and Janel Lyman said...

Kenna's da bomb! And we love her! And I'm sorry you've had a bad week. Lets go play... eeeeeeejcv ljg jvjcfjhv kc hn jmc hxg j c hxchhhggjmh,,,,m,..Love Hanna!

Brian & Jackie Nelson said...

You need to write a book. That's all I really have to say. Thanks for sharing.

TIM&SHAN said...

Hey Anonymous... dont know if you are the anonymous nay-sayer that has posted the mean comments in the past, but if you are I just have to say that you should fear that all of Kennas friends who love her fiercley would rip you a new one for being mean.
If you arent mean and judgmental then why would you fear being seen? The only time people hide is when they are doing something wrong.

ANyways---- Kenna beautiful post as always... I agree about the book writing thing;)

Kenna said...

I don't think she is a mean nay sayer. I think it's just like she says, it's not me she wants to anonymous from, it's someone else.

I failed to mention in this post that there have been many times when anonymous posters have said the most beautiful and kind things to me.

I am grateful though, for you Shan, and everyone else who sticks up for me. It's nice to know my peeps got my back. :)

Jen Nelson said...

I am glad you keep breathing.

Thinking of you.

Love you.

I still owe you a coke. ;)

Kristin said...

Hope you read all these comments to help you get through the hard times. Sometimes all we can do is breathe. Eventually breathing will get easier and you'll even find yourself laughing. Don't give in!

A said...

No, I'm not the naughty one. I prefer to remain annonymous because I am a birthmom and when I saw Kenna's blog about wanting to adopt, obviously it caught my eye. You wouldn't believe the sh*t you take from people when they know you placed a baby for adoption, so you can understand my fear of judgement.

But anyway, Thanks again Kenna for the wonderful blog. Keep on the adoption thing. Things have a way of just working themselves out. There is a wonderful girl out there who is just waiting for you to be the mother of her child. She may not know it yet, but when the time comes, she will.

Love ya,


Kenna said...

I don't understand that, A. I don't. Can I just say that you are a brave, wonderful lady and I admire you. You are the kind of person that gives me HOPE.

I am in tears. You stay strong, A. I don't know you, but I have a deep love for you.

Kenna said...

Sorry, by that I mean that you have to take shiz from people. It doesn't make sense. They have no right at all. You go, hardcore A, you go girl.

David & Jessica said...

I have been reading your blog for awhile and I thought it was time to say something...
Thank you for your writing! I really wish I could write like you! You have a talent! I wish I could share my feelings in such a way... instead I bottle them up... or I trust the wrong people to tell... any ways Keep breathing and keep having courage!
Thanks!- Jess

A said...


Thank you so much for you kind words...It means a lot to have someone tell you that YOU give them hope when they have been through as much as you have.

I do not understand people either. But I definitely don't let it get to me! I know that I did the right thing for me and my baby and that's all that matters! And you shouldn't worry about people either, especially the 'Naughty annon poster'. You are super strong and amazing and that's all that should matter! And plus, it's YOUR blog and you can write whatever you want!

Hope you are doing well!


Amy said...

I love that song by Ingrid M. I definitely relate to it and also the beautiful words you've written here. Thanks for sharing.

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