Tuesday, January 26, 2010

...not even close...

there will be more to this post in the future, but for now, this is all i have.

i read the following statement today on a blog:

'I still don't think that is has completely set in and become real (speaking of pregnancy), but with each time I throw up, it's becoming more real :) Let's just say I now know why people adopt!'

sigh, i know morning sickness sucks.  i've been there.  a couple times actually.  i know that pregnancy is hard because i've been there, a couple times.  yet i have yet to yield a child.  maybe i'm being dramatic, but for some reason this statement really hit me hard today.

i'm adopting because i want to be a mother, and my path was not meant to be what some would deam typical.  i'm adopting because while i would give anything  to be bent over a toilet losing my lunch, my body is unable.

no, that is not why people adopt, my dear.

not even close.

*i realize this person was not in any way trying to be malicious or that she should even be aware of what she said, but it simply stung a little, coming from someone who has different experiences.  it's impossible for everyone to be sensitive to everyone's needs, and blogs are for posting what you want.  i am stating that i truly hope no one would ever think that would ever be a reason a couple adopts.  that in my eyes, throwing up because you are pregnant is a miracle, a blessing, something that i am indeed envious of. 

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20 comments:

lauren said...

i think one of the reasons that this blog is so important is because it really teaches people how to be a bit more sensitive and thoughtful regarding the issues surrounding infertility. i think it's a shame that more people are not conscious of how their seemingly "humorous" remarks can affect others. i'm sorry you had to read that today. just know that you are amazing and that everything you do is so important. love your face.

Kristin said...

holy insensitive! yes, i spent 40K and 6 years of heartache adopting so i wouldn't have to throw up. too bad i end up throwing up a lot anyway! p.s. we just got another baby. not sure if you heard. i actually threw up just from headaches and stress over this one.

AJ said...

Amen Kenna. She is SO off the mark on her comment! People don't adopt because they don't want to be curled in a ball by the toilet waiting to throw up. If that's why she thinks people adopt...well.....all I can say is....grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......

Mandy said...

wow. while part of me can't fathom that someone would say that, the other part totally can, as I've seen so many "complaints" and "woe is me" pregnant posts on facebook that i literally had to stop going on there for a while after my miscarriage last year. like you, i wanted to scream and yell that i would give an arm to have swollen feet, vomiting, and any other "inconvenience" if it meant that i had a healthy baby in my body. it's maddening. i try to remind myself that women who have not experienced loss and/or infertility (or are close to someone who has) just don't "get it." i'm sure there are exceptions, but i sometimes have to pretend that my preggo friends are just abducted for nine months and are replaced by someone who will say insensitive (and flat out dumb) things from time to time. hang in there, sweetie. you will have joy as a mother one day and your little will be so blessed, as they will receive a special love that most can only imagine.

TIM&SHAN said...

WOW ..... the nerve of some people just never ceases to astound me. I know she probably didnt mean to be insensitive but I am so sick of people using that as an excuse to not think before they talk.
I cant stand it when pregnant women whine about puking... seriously? I would give anything to be puking because I am pregnant not because of people like that.

The Wendler Family said...

No one should even joke about pregnancy/adoption. I am sorry you had to read that. Tim and I want to adopt because we feel like it is what the Lord has planned for us to add some spirits to our family. NOT because of the morning sickness.

Disclaimer: I hope the following pregnancy talk doesn't make you more upset.

I will tell you Kenna, that I have been so grateful for my morning sickness and puking 24/7 during my pregnancies, in large due to you and other people who struggle with infertility. I really have no reason to complain. (I still do some times, and its cause I'm a Pansie.) It is hard to be sick so much for 10 weeks but it could be a lot worse. I used to get bitter about those who didn't get morning sickness with pregnancies and then I realized that it is a privileged to puke out my guts for my baby(ies). I just thank my Heavenly Father for the blessing of being pregnant every day. Thank you for helping me appreciate more than what I otherwise would have.

Jessica GaleForceOne said...

I would cut off both my arms and maybe some toes to have morning sickness. (Side thought) I wonder how much I could get on the black market for said arms and a couple toes...

I totally get it..and it also saddens me when I hear people complain about being parents or how tough pregnancy is...I just wanna clap them on the ears or something. Lol

I wish I could say..Imagine your life...now go back to when you were first married before children and try to imagine your life without them. Who would you be, what would you be doing with your life without them?...its sad but no-one who currently has children can imagine life without them unfortunately. If they could they would all be ALOT more sensitive about the comments regarding children and pregnancy more carefully.

Jess

Ashley said...

I think this is a beautiful post that many people should read so they can think twice before making flippant comments. They rarely intend to be hurtful, but it's good to know how our comments might impact others.

Stacy Stoddard said...

i agree she probably didn't realize how she chose to word that statement was insensitive. So comments like these we have to graciously take the opportunity to teach others that the way they might say something is heart breaking to others.

Morning sickness is for sure not the reason we adopted.

I think if she was in the situation of adopting; filling an application out, having someone you don't know tell you if you qualify to be a parent, having to find money to afford a baby, then waiting and waiting and hoping and waiting some more for a sweet birth mom to choose you; she would realize that a large group of us would choose to get pregnant and have morning sickness and gain weight, it is so much easier than having to depend on someone else.

Melissa E Photography said...

Ouch! I bet that stung! I'm sure she was trying to be funny, but come on... She needs a talkin' to.

Richard and Emily said...

I, as usual :), completely agree with you. In fact just this morning in my carpool someone said something along the same lines - saying how nice it must be to just have a baby handed to you when you adopt. Man, did I have to hold it in! I just wanted to scream! :) Although I did (kind of politely) say well true, you don't have to be sick but I WANT to be. I don't want to go through all the red tape of adoption and all the worries and fears and everything else. I would much rather do this the "normal" way. But I guess this is what has to be "normal" for us. :)

Hugs for you.

Jack and Daynalee said...

I completely agree. I read the same thing and it totally stings! It would sure be nice to have the option of throwing up. You are amazing my friend!

'A' said...

This is what I was talking about. People seriously don't think before they speak. Sorry that it hurt you. :( People are so insensitive. And quite frankly, they SUCK. Don't let it get to ya though! Adoption is AMAZING and such a special experience, I wish people wouldn't think of it as 'the easy way' or whatever. People need to learn respect.

Have a good day though! :)

Love ya,

'A'

thelewisfamily said...

I would imagine this hurt.

Although, as someone who suffers from Hyperemesis Gravidarum (fancy speak for excessive vomiting during pregnancy) I have met other women who deal with it too. 2 of them actually do adopt because of the excessive puking. With my first, I damaged my throat, teeth and even nasal passages because of the relentless vomiting for 8 months.


I'm not saying it is something to be said lightly, this topic (adoption) hits too hard to so many hearts for it to be said without thought.

I'm sorry it hurt, I can totally see why. Each side has their struggeles and you've been through so much that you're in a much better position than many to see both sides.

Jen Nelson said...

Whoa.

It is beyond sad that they don't realize what a miracle they have.

Pregnancy is growing a person, should that be easy?

The first time I threw up I cried I was so happy.

Big hugs sweetie. Ignorant people suck.

Jamie said...

I don't know who wrote this, but I bet it was never their intention to hurt you or be insensitive in any way. Her problems are real for her and since she hasn't experienced something like you we shouldn't just jump on her and call her insensitive or completely out of line. She only knows from her own experiences. Plus, like you said, blogs are for posting what you want. Everyone is entitled to post about their woes, their hardships, their problems, their joys, etc. Nobody's blog is going to please every audience. Even though it affected you differently than it might affect someone else, I'm sure she was just being facetious when she made that comment.

Krista said...

Ugh. I've overheard people saying things like that to my mom all my life. "Oh - you went the easy route - no pregnancy, no labor!" There is nothing easy about infertility, deciding to adopt, waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting, and the struggles go on. I agree with the post above to a degree. On the one hand, I am trying to be more compassionate with people complaining about their pregnancy issues on FB statuses, etc. Trying to block the chorus, "I Would Die for That" from playing in my mind. It is my responsibility to remember that others' trials are trials for them, even if I want them so badly for myself. But on the other hand, ignorance is not bliss! There's no reason why people shouldn't be expected to think before they speak/write. I think people ought to be made aware of their ignorance. How can we become Christlike if we don't know how to watch ourselves and our thoughts, to comprehend the wounds of others, to speak words of comfort and healing. I admit, I let people have it sometimes. "When are you going to have kids?" "I don't know, my most recent miscarriage was only 4 days ago." Honest? Yes. Brutally honest? Yes. Am I petty enough that I hope that person learned a lesson? You bet I am.

Keep holding on, Kenna! This clueless girl can't even hold a candle to your light!

Dawn said...

It's amazing how insensitive people can be on both sides of the family building struggle-adoption and infertility. Keep on keeping on. I wish you much luck and perseverance on this adoption journey. It can truly be a beautiful was to create your family.

Dawn Davenport
Creating a Family

Jamie said...

So I've been thinking about this more, and I'm sorry if it seems like I'm overly defending this person. I guess I just feel like a person can't understand true empathy unless they've experienced something similar. I'm sure that person wouldn't be saying something so "insensitive" if they had to go through a miscarriage or loss or could only have a child by means of adoption. This person only knows what's in her own realm of experiences. I also feel we can choose how we react to certain comments. If someone said to me, "Aaah! I hate my mom sometimes! She is so overprotective!," I could feel hurt and say something abrasive like, "Well, at least you have a mom and she didn't die an early and unexpected death leaving you completely and utterly alone..." or I could just realize, "okay, this person doesn't understand, she is just venting her own situation." However, if the person who made that adoption comment knows your situation and knows you read her blog, then maybe she isn't so innocent. That would be bullsh*t. But like I said before, I don't know who wrote it. I just think we need to give people some slack, especially when they make innocent (albeit, ignorant) comments.
And as far as Facebook goes, I think that's totally different than a blog. I usually won't make pregnancy comments or other particular comments there, but on my blog (My own personal writing space where others have a choice whether or not to view) I will talk about my pregnancy (or other touchy subjects) because it IS part of my life.

Michael and Danielle said...
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