i am fighting back bitter tears this evening.
i find that the feelings of fear and doubt have seeped in quite quickly. you know, i was aware they would fight for the spotlight in my life once we got approved, but it happened rapidly. on friday i shed a few tears of relief, a few of joy. last night, as i fought and begged for sleep to take me, my mind started to turn. now, ever since the thought of adoption was voiced in our home, i told myself it would take years. and more years. 1% of women who are in the position to place their unborn child for adoption do. more than 50% choose abortion, and the rest parent their child. i'm not trying to be negative. i'm being realistic. as much as i love and appreciate people telling me it could happen quickly, i know that it's the exception. a very, very rare exception.
so, so rare.
but last night, i had a dream of our child. a little girl with dark, beautiful brown hair and crystal clear blue eyes. she was only days old. i held her so close, taking in every moment. every couple of minutes i would pull her away from my chest and look at her. the love that overcame me each time i looked at her face was overwhelming.
sigh, these dreams need to stop, because i wake up in a funk. then all day i think about my little one, and how i miss her, and how hard this all has been. continues to be. each day is a small victory. each day brings us closer, i hope. my heart longs for my child. it really does overwhelm me. the pain and yearning slices to my core. with this approval i found a lot of abrasive emotions about my infertility have reared their ugly heads.
the feeling of utter failure. of devastation. of sadness.
it's hard to accept that such a righteous desire is not realized. (at least not yet?) it's hard to accept God's will and time table for me. especially when the waiting is so painful.
at least today it's painful.
but tomorrow is another day, right?