Wednesday, March 24, 2010

...allow me a moment...

i am fighting back bitter tears this evening.

i find that the feelings of fear and doubt have seeped in quite quickly. you know, i was aware they would fight for the spotlight in my life once we got approved, but it happened rapidly. on friday i shed a few tears of relief, a few of joy. last night, as i fought and begged for sleep to take me, my mind started to turn. now, ever since the thought of adoption was voiced in our home, i told myself it would take years. and more years. 1% of women who are in the position to place their unborn child for adoption do. more than 50% choose abortion, and the rest parent their child. i'm not trying to be negative. i'm being realistic. as much as i love and appreciate people telling me it could happen quickly, i know that it's the exception. a very, very rare exception.

so, so rare.

but last night, i had a dream of our child. a little girl with dark, beautiful brown hair and crystal clear blue eyes. she was only days old. i held her so close, taking in every moment. every couple of minutes i would pull her away from my chest and look at her. the love that overcame me each time i looked at her face was overwhelming.

sigh, these dreams need to stop, because i wake up in a funk. then all day i think about my little one, and how i miss her, and how hard this all has been. continues to be. each day is a small victory. each day brings us closer, i hope. my heart longs for my child. it really does overwhelm me. the pain and yearning slices to my core. with this approval i found a lot of abrasive emotions about my infertility have reared their ugly heads. 

the feeling of utter failure. of devastation. of sadness. 

it's hard to accept that such a righteous desire is not realized. (at least not yet?) it's hard to accept God's will and time table for me. especially when the waiting is so painful.

at least today it's painful.

but tomorrow is another day, right?

sigh, right?

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Jewls said...

I love you Kenna! I'm praying that you meet your baby SOON!

Oh, and it's so awesome that you're running a 1/2! They're so fun, you'll love it!

leisha said...

Kenna my friend, hang in there. It's OK to cry and if you ever need to vent just give me a call. It is the small moments in the adoption journey that we hang on to to get us to the end. When you have that beautiful little baby in your arms it will all be worth it!

Ashley said...

A year before we even got on the list, I had a dream like the one you've been having.

My husband and I were in a room with a man and a baby. The baby was crying and nobody could get her to stop. I stood there, unsure of what to do, and kept my arms crossed. I would not let myself get hurt.

The man turned to me. "Well," he said, "Pick her up. It's you she wants."

My husband nodded and smiled. I hesitated and reached into the moses basket and carefully picked up the tiny creature.

As I pulled her to my chest, she stopped crying immediately. She looked at me with bright gray eyes and something clicked. As I stood trying to catch my breath, I found myself choking out the words,

"It's okay. I'm here. I'm yours. I am here to be your mama. And I love you."

Her little hand waved and landed against my heart. She looked at me and I knew she was telling me that she belonged there.

That she wanted me to find her as much as I wanted to have her in my arms forever.

I was awoken (by my husband coming back from a meeting) abruptly at that moment and sat in the bed and sobbed. I tried to understand how I could so deeply miss someone I'd never met and how my arms could ache so badly.

But I had met her. I'd spent time with her before either of us came to this earth and that feeling was there. When I finally held her in my arms for the first time in this life, the feeling that overwhelmed me was that of "I found you." She belonged there. She still does. That day, she looked at me with her gray eyes and they told me everything.

"I'm here. I belong here. I'm yours."

If not today, surely tomorrow. There's always tomorrow. (my mantra while we were adopting.)

I promise you; that "tomorrow" you're waiting for will come

and it will be glorious.

lots of love.

Richard and Emily said...

Tomorrow is another day. Hang in there. It is hard and those hard days do come up. For me, it's when my period comes each month. Because even though I KNOW it won't happen, I still have a teesy amount of hope that through some miracle maybe it will. And then I come to work and do like I'm doing now, eat a whole sleeve of Oreos. :)

I hope today is a better day for you. Hang in there, have hope.

Remember President Hinckley's optimism: "Things will work out."

Remember that dinner we were going have? We should do that. :)


Jen Nelson said...

Love you.


Val'n'Ben said...

Neal A. Maxwell said "Faith in the Lord includes faith in his timing." I know it's a concept that's much easier said than done.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Cry my dear Kenna, but know that the morning will come. And with it, joy.

I love you.

Jessica GaleForce said...

I totally know how you feel! I love and hate when I have dreams like that. I have had a total of 3 of them. I sure I was seeing my children too. Hang in there, there has to be opposition in all our things, when something good happens its always followed by something bad. And vice versa. I think its all part of the test, to see how we handle the good and the bad.

You are doing great, its okay to feel like you do. Just don't get stuck in a rut. Remember to enjoy the lemons as well as the lemonade.

A said...

Dear Kenna,

First of all, I'm SO happy that you got approved to adopt! That is so great!

I don't know that my words will offer much comfort, but I know that baby is waiting to come to your home. The family that I placed with waited 2 years for my baby. But let me just tell you, if you could have felt the spirit in that room when I brought the baby in, you would know that all the heartache and pain disappear instantly and you know that everything you have ever been through has led up to this moment and you wouldn't trade it for anything. I will never forget that for as long as I live. To see the look on their faces, you know that God had a hand in it. I am reminded of the words of the Savior 'I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it'. I promise Kenna, the moment that your little one is placed in your arms, it will all be worth it. I pray for strength for you to make it to that time.

Love you,


TIM&SHAN said...

Like many of these other women I have also felt as you have felt.
I also had a dream (2 actually) of a little girl being placed in my arms. I had these identical dreams about a month after my first miscarriage. I have never had a dream of me being pregnant.
When our adoption fell apart I thought about that dream a lot and what it meant. At the time I had the dream it was very painful, almost a tease. I couldnt understand why Heavenly Father would want to play with my heart strings so much.
But now 3 years later, even though my arms are still empty I am grateful for those dreams, because I am not sure that I will ever be a mommy. That dream was the only glimpse I have had in my life of what it was like to love someone more than life itself.
It was, and is that feeling that I hold onto, and that I long for.
In time you will be grateful for those revalations, especially when you get to have it for real!!!
I love you Kenna. You are amazingly strong and I pray for you every day.

libby said...

you are amazing. you are strong. I am in awe of you. I don't know what you're going through, but I know you can do it.

Nicole said...

I'm so sorry. I love you.

Steve and Hailey said...

Sometimes the closer we are to something the further away it feels. I hope the reality is right around a narrow corner.

Steph said...

I visit your blog every now and decided to meander over today . . . thanks a lot . . . I'm sitting on my couch bawling now!

I'll keep you in my prayers - I can't wait for this adoption to go through! I think about you lots :) Love you.

Shannon said...

Wait...I've been away from my computer for five days, and YOU'RE APPROVED!!! Hooray! Congrats to you, Kenna. I'm away for a week and miss all the action...see if I stay away that long from now on.

Kristin said...

It took us 3 1/2 years to get Baylie. There were many times when I wondered why the Lord not only wouldn't let me have a biological baby, but why he didn't find me fit to even adopt a baby. I know that logic is totally warped, but I couldn't help it.

As you know, we never got a baby from LDSFS. We were never 'chosen.' I often felt bitter, unfit, unworthy, and on and on. I felt like a total loser because nobody picked us. Was I too old, too fat, too something else? Please know you are not alone! (Okay, that sounds like I'm saying you're old and fat, but that's not what I meant :).)

And when you get your baby, it will all be worth it. It still won't make sense and you may still wonder why it had to be so hard, but it will be worth it. Then you'll have a whole new set of emotions and fears - but we'll blog about those later!

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