Monday, March 1, 2010

...walking on broken glass...

any time i can title a post with a reference to an awesome 90's hit means you are in for a treat.


i am aware that i haven't given you, my wonderful readers, anything of substance lately.  sigh, i fear that an extreme case of writer's block coupled with stress have caused my blog to suffer.  don't get me wrong, i have quite a bit to say but finding the words has been like squeezing blood from a stone.  in fact, i have started 5 different posts that i have yet to mold into fruition.  i'm hoping this particular post will make it to the 'publish' button.  

although i won't lie, that publish button looks like it's 731 yards away.

for me, this year started off filled with fear, doubt and anxiety.  not the way most of us like to begin a fresh year.  typically we praise the chance to do better, to move forward and to conquer all in our path.  don't get me wrong, i have that feeling, but it has been much more difficult to act upon as i have allowed negative energy to seep into my life.  i made a promise to myself that i would do all in my power to remove said energy.  sadly i have been allowing individuals to, for lack of a better phrase, get under my skin. i have allowed their negative energy to affect me, and it was high time i expunged them from my life.  (well, as much as one can.  there is no real life 'unfriend' button)  i cannot tell you the relief i felt when i accomplished this task.  it took some coaxing from myself and others to do it, but i am better off.  my friends, there is no need to allow negative persons in your life.  they can be toxic.

having said that, i must say that never have i been more aware of the Lord's hand in my life.  it actually takes me aback and i have to sit a moment to wrap my brain around it.  the places where the negativity once resided has been filled by the happiness of new friendships, new goals, and a renewed sense of hope.  i am noticing more and more the little ways that my loving Heavenly Father is buoying me up.  whether it's a sacrament meeting talk, a loving momma, an amazing case worker, or a friend who insists on allowing you to feel and vent your emotions.  (even when it's beyond their bedtime because they are in a different time zone)  i am watched over and cared for.  with every forward step i am learning more and becoming more.  every small battle won means i am that much closer to what i desire most.  He is aware of each step, whether it be a forward motion or backward motion, and He leads me and sends reinforcements.  

i wake each day knowing that i am not alone in this. 

it surprises me at times to see that j and i have been able to survive such situations and experiences.  not that we aren't strong or capable, it's just that if you would have asked me years ago if i thought i could move through what i have experienced, pardon my language but it would have been a resounding, 'hells no!'   i have had my moments of sorrow.  i have melted in the face of my trials.  

however, i have not surrendered. 

i was particularly impressed by a talk given yesterday in sacrament meeting by an adorable new lady, kristin, in my ward.  she spoke of tempered glass.  now, for those of you who may not know what tempered glass is, allow me, or rather mr. google, to 'splain. 

"tempered glass is glass that has been processed by controlled thermal or chemical treatments to increase its strength compared with normal glass. tempered glass is made by processes which create balanced internal stresses which give the glass strength. it will usually shatter into small fragments instead of sharp shards when broken, making it less likely to cause severe injury and deep lacerations."

do you feel an analogy coming on?  i sure do.

usually i'm used to hearing the 'coal to diamond' analogy when it comes to likening our trials to a heating process that renders us mailable in our creator's hands.  in fact, my great friend sensei shared a similar analogy that you all should read.  (find it here however, there is an element to this glass analogy that i really like.  obviously the glass represents me.  (or anyone for that matter)  the thermal/chemical treatments are my trials.  (or your trials, seriously, liken this to yourselves good people)  we are made stronger through, and this is my favorite word lately, a PROCESS of trials and struggles. can i also allow mr. google to 'splain what a process is?

a continuous action, operation, or series of changes 
taking place in a definite manner.

this hit. me. hard.

so, yes, we are are indeed being tempered by our loving Father.  it has a purpose, and it's much more than we can every understand in this life time.  we are blessed to catch glimpses of the 'bigger picture' here and there, and i truly believe these are tender mercies sent to give us hope and to give us strength.

now, to the part of the analogy that really impacted me.  when tempered glass breaks, it shatters into small fragments instead of sharp shards, thus making it less likely to cause injury.  i am a firm believer that we are allowed moments to melt.  to break apart.  that is how we are built up stronger.  you have to break down to be built up.  i have no doubt in my mind that this isn't a very important and intricate part of becoming better.  becoming more.  so, when we do have these moments, if we have allowed the tempering process to take place, we are going to break into small fragments.  fragments that don't injure.  fragments that we can pick up, piece together, and build up.  if the tempering process has not taken place, we will break into shards.  shards that can hurt, that cannot be touched or built up.  

am i making sense here?

we are being tempered day in and day out.  this process, while at times excruciating, is going to move us forward.  it's going to give us strength to face whatever is blocking our path and when we do break, it will allow us an easier road to rebuilding what was broken.

life is a process.  a series of changes taking place in a definite manner.  we must allow these changes to mold us into more that we can be on our own.  

the rewards will be sweet.  

your rewards will be sweet.

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Steve and Hailey said...

I love sweet rewards! Oh and 90's songs...I'll be humming that all day. :) Thanks for the great hopeful thoughts. I really enjoyed her talk too.

Val'n'Ben said...

Welcome back my darling sister. I love to read your beautiful words, thank you for your openness. Your faith and determination are such an inspiring example. I love you my friend.

Joanna said...

Sounds like a sacrament meeting talk Kenna. What a beautiful lesson to learn. It helps to remember that it's all a process. I had some sweet reminders about being patient with my life this weekend. Yay for the love of our Perfect Father in Heaven and his tender mercy reminders. Although trials are painful, I have to say, it is beautiful to watch you go through this process of becoming the woman God wants you to be. From high school to now. what a change. Remember how I said there was a key you had to find, to turn that lock? yeah. you got that key girl.

Joanna said...

PS, I love your guts. we need to do lunch.

Jessica GaleForce said...

Very agreeable post! I hope that when I vent sometimes to you that I'm not being toxic. I am sorry if that has ever been the case. Your awesome lovely lady!

I also have heard, as of recent, the analogy of tempered glass. Thanks for the reminder!

lauren said...

well said friend. and i think you can safely put all the "writers block" talk aside.

Alli said...

A couple of things:
1. Talking to you late at night is always worth it.
2. I love cheesy 90's songs. I will send you my two playlists of "driving around with mom" songs.
3. Every time I open my fridge I will think of you when I see the "tempered glass" emblazoned across the shelves.

TIM&SHAN said...

I also agree that I enjoy talking with you no matter what the time;)
This is a great post that I really needed to hear. I realy am trying to get back to the place that I see the wisdom and purpose in my journey. AGain I feel that the Lord has sent these words through you especially for me;) Thankyou Kenna, you are a light in my life.

Mama mia said...

Annie Lennox Shumway....has a nice ring to it:)

Welcome back. Still waiting for the "camping sucks" post.

Nicole said...

Beautifully put. I have no words. That's all I can say.

But I do like that Annie Lennox song!

Jake and Lauren said...

What a sweet coincidence! This post, as most of yours do, spoke to the depths of my heart. You are a great example and a big motivator in the improvement department.

mrs. m said...

I read through this post twice. Thanks so much for sharing.

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