Tuesday, April 20, 2010

...survive...

what does it mean to survive?

this single question has been turning in my mind for the past 24 hours.  i've been tagging it in different experiences and trying to understand how i have reacted when i have been asked to simply survive.  to move through the pain and the hurt and hope for something better.  how have i moved forward when each step has been heavy, when my breath is labored and my heart simply doesn't have the courage?  how does one survive when surviving is the last thing they want to do?  how do we press on when surviving hurts so badly at times? 

how do i survive when, to be honest, i grow weary of being a survivor.  

my sweet friends over at the r house couture made me this a few months back...

i wear it often.  i hear the beads clank against the metal plate, ringing out the word, 'survivor.'  in my mind the past 4 years flash and i realize that i have survived, and i continue to survive, even if, like i stated, it is the last thing i want to move towards.  it seems so much easier to call it quits.  surely a loving Heavenly Father would understand that i can't take another step.   that quite possibly He has put too much faith in me, and i am not able to continue down a path that seems too dark, too twisted, too abrasive.


surely He knows my pains and sorrows.

that, alone, should be enough to survive.  

and it is.


"But if by a still, small voice He calls,
To paths that I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in Thine,
I’ll go where You want me to go."


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3 comments:

Alli said...

i've been thinking about your email today. I don't know what advice I can offer that you haven't already stated in this post. Just know I am sending good thoughts and prayers on your behalf your way.

lauren said...

very well stated, friend. though it seems inapplicable, this made me think of the passage of scripture where alma the younger is recounting his pains. and how his joy because as exquisite as his pain had been. and i think that is our ultimate reward for surviving. for what it's worth.

Ashley said...

Alma 36: 20 & 21.

Consider the lilies of the field. Whatever it is, you're in my prayers.

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