Monday, May 31, 2010

...taking my sweet time...

just because i don't scream my feelings, doesn't mean i have none.
just because i seem indestructible, doesn't mean i'm not weak.
just because i don't cry in front of you, doesn't mean i'm heartless.
just because you think you know me, doesn't mean you actually do

found here.




i am going to take my sweet time getting over this, so those of you who are watching for a quick fix, you won't find it here. 

you cannot quick fix this.

i hope this doesn't come off abrasive, dear readers.  i know that 99.7% of you are so kind and offer so much support.  we can't thank you enough.  however, of course, there are some who demean our pain.  who think, 'if it was supposed to happen it would.'  that's a lie.  this was supposed to happen.  someone made a choice.  we are deeply pained and will be for quite some time.  we have lost another daughter.  there is no easy way to move through it.

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23 comments:

TIM&SHAN said...

Kenna you take all the time you need. Only someone who has lost a child can even begin to understand this. Its a pain that is indescribable. You have a silent army of people who love you and will cheer you on no matter how low the lows are and no matter who high the highs are. If you didn't feel this way I wouldn't think you are human.
I can not even begin to imagine how you must feel going through all of this after all you have been through already.
YOU take YOUR sweet ass time my friend!!!! That is the only thing that can help heal a broken heart. and I for one will be here for you every step of the way!!!!

Alli said...

You have every right. Kudos for expressing it, and what a precious picture.

stephanie said...

I know from my own experience that nothing anyone says can really take away the pain. I think most people mean well but.....

You have every right to take as long as you need to heal and to be honest I don't know if you will ever 100% get over it. I know that I still have a newborn dress and bracelet in my closet. And when I think about what I experienced during that time, I am still hurt. Even though I feel greatly blessed with the children that I have my situations left a hole in my heart.
So although I don't know exactly what you are going through, I think I understand and my heart hurts for you.

Jen Nelson said...

Yes, you lost another daughter. It was supposed to happen. Someone made a big mistake. You and Josh and baby Kate are paying the price. I am so very sorry for that.

Love you tons and ALWAYS thinking of you guys.

Jessica GaleForce said...

/lovce you!

Susan said...

I can't imagine this being easy to deal with. You look amazingly happy and at peace in that picture, and to have that lost must cause the most excruciating pain. You and Josh remain in our prayers and thoughts. Love you Kenna.

mrs. r said...

xoxox

Kristin said...

I think insensitive comments usually come from people who have no idea what you're going through. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this on top of everything else. I hope Kate will be happy where she is, and I'm sure that worry causes you even more stress. I hope you can find ways to laugh and forget your sorrows at least for short batches of time. Love you.

Teresa said...

My heart and my prayers are reaching out for you and Studly. I can't even begin to imagine the pain. You two have been so brave, and I agree that healing will take a lot of time. So take it. Don't apologize. I love you tons!

Trent and Janel Lyman said...

LOVE that picture! And take your sweet time, you've lost more than many of us will loose in a life time. I cannot even fathom what you are going through. You are amazing. What a blessing you are in my life!

Erin said...

gorgeous picture. keep fighting champ. no need to be stoic.

Parrish Family said...

Oh, Kenna. What a beautiful baby! I don't know much about your situation, but I am sorry for the loss you are dealing with. And I think it is just fine to take all the time you want (if my opinion counts for anything :). Lot's of love your way!!

The Dahle's said...

your words at the beginning of this post touched my heart and I think you worded your feelings perfectly. Yes this will make you stronger but I am with you on the why did it have to happen it shouldn't have. I am indifferent towards the "everything happens for a reason". I don't think God would have chosen to take baby Kate from you I think it was a persons wrong bad choice and you are paying the consequence and you do not deserve to go through it at all (hugs).

The Wendler Family said...

I will tell you that for you to have baby Kate and then have her taken away from you like she was, is not right. You were supposed to be her parents. For this to happen out of spite is rediculous. This is a little person we are talking about! A lives will forever be changed because of it.
After the feelings I had while praying and fasting for you and Josh and knowing a baby was coming, I know for a fact that this is not the way it was supposed to turn out.
Agency is such a hard thing to deal with. Especially when you know others are making bad/selfish choices. We know that one person's bad choice can effect generations to come. I think you not getting Kate is for sure one of these situations.
I will continue to pray that you, Josh, and sweet birth mom are strengthened and comforted.
You HAVE just lost another daughter. It is like a death. Sometimes people never fully get over them, and if you don't, no one will hold that against you.

A said...

I'm so sorry. I'm also sorry for the shitty (pardon my language) comments you have been getting. Even one on this current post! I can't believe the insensitivity of some people. Disgusted doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.

With that being said, I will just tell you that you have a shoulder to cry on if you ever need it. I don't know what you are going through and don't know if I could ever find the appropriate words to say to you, but know that you have a friend.

Lots of love and prayers,

A

Gio, Tasha, and Bella said...

You are so beautiful! I love this picture. I really hope the thoughtless, insensitive comments stop. You guys are an amazing couple and nobody can exactly understand your pain.

sharon said...

Hi you don't know me but I follow your blog I am inspired by you I am adopted well all the kids in my family are adopted and I reamember seeing my parents go through what you are experinceing ( I can't spell ) I am so sorry. I know what it's like to lose a child our son passed away from sids when he was 8 months it's something you never get over you just learn to live somewhat again. Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way

Val'n'Ben said...

Kenna, I love you my dear. Those who expect you to "get over" this experience (and I think we know who they are) truly don't understand that it simply is not meant to be gotten over. It never has been, nor will it ever be up to anyone else to put measurement or time limits on your pain. Be gentle with yourself, be gentle with your sweet husband. Know that you are loved, my sweet sister, more than words can express.

Kent and Leisy said...

I send prayers every day! keep being you and you'll make it through.

Jen Nelson said...

OMG. I just re-read my comment and feel like an ass.

When I said "It was supposed to happen" I meant she was supposed to be yours! Not that you were supposed to go through this pain. Eesh!

Love you tons!

Heather said...

So much love coming your way, Kenna and Josh. I hope you can feel the prayers being said for you from corners of the world you didn't even know they were coming from.

You have a right to your feelings, whatever they are and whatever expression they take. You are marvelous and loved.

I am so sorry for this new loss.

Necia and Joe Shumway said...

you have every right to take all the time you need. I wish there were something we could do. let me know if i can do anything for you!

Krista said...

I am weeping with you.
I am praying for you.

I am amazed by your beautiful, poignant words. I hardly know you, but would give anything to take this pain away.

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