Friday, June 25, 2010

...my second 'yes'...

this post has been mulling around in my head for the past 6 weeks. i've sat down to write it at least a dozen times, but when i place my fingers on the keys instead of an onslaught of words and sentences exploding from my finger tips, tears cascade down my cheeks.  my breathing becomes uneven and i am overwhelmed with pain and sorrow.  the emotions are so raw and so deep that i have yet to master them.  so instead of writing, i curl up in my blogging chair and cry. 

it seems to be what i do best these days. 

as i type this the ocean is crashing against the beach.  it's so involuntary.  the waves crash in, and then they recede back into the vast sea.  like the earth is breathing.  it calms the soul and reminds my lungs of their own involuntary action.  breathing hasn't necessarily been easy these past 8 weeks.  in fact, i dare say it has been on the bottom of my 'to do' list

it feels like i've been on life support.

i am tired.  no, i am exhausted.  completely devastated and broken in ways i never thought possible.  some lyrics from john mayer's, 'heartbreak warfare' come to mind in this moment...

'how come the only way to know how high you get me is to see how far i fall?'

i was there.  i had my child in my arms.  there are no words that can express the confirmation i received when meeting her for the first time.  i knew. it all finally made sense.  all the tears, the pain, the anguish, the sleepless nights, my aching arms, the moments when i swore there was no deliverance...

and oh, it was worth it.

but now...

now i'm in the dirty, dark and cold trenches of trial.  someone's decision has caused so much unneeded pain to me, to my studly, to my family, to our sweet and perfect baby, to r, to her family.  oh dear, the ripple effect expands further than i could have ever anticipated.  it's disheartening.  it's sickening.  

it's a crime.

i've been here before, in this frightening and tired place.  i've crawled through the mud, i've slept in damp, self dug holes, and i've cried out for mercy.  for deliverance.  for peace.  now, as i lay in these trenches, i do nothing.  i stare ahead, completely unable to even begin processing the injustice of our situation.  i cry.  

and yet, i'm still here.  

i have declared my second, 'yes.'  

now, my first 'yes' was in completely difference circumstances.  a loving heavenly father told me i was to embark on a journey.  a test, if you will.  i have half a dozen versions of how this conversation went in my head, but all in all i imagine i was excited to prove myself.  that or i was bribed with food.  i will do just about anything for a fish taco.  when i was asked if i was able to accomplish the task at hand, i shouted, 'YES!'  

and down i went.

that initial, 'yes' passed all of our lips.  we all shouted it with fervor.  with a resolve to do whatever it took to return to our first estate.  oh, how i wish the veil was thin!  how i wish my spirit could whisper to me what it knows of my past home.  perhaps then i would be able to shout, 'yes!  i will go and do whatever the Lord will ask of me!' with the same devoutness as i did long ago.

however, the 'yes' that escapes my lips now is quiet.  it comes in the dark of night when i feel as if i cannot go another step.  when there seems to be no light, no hope, only fear and doubt circling around me, i look up and tell the Lord through tears of sorrow and frustration, 'yes, i will go and do.' 

i will go and do what the Lord has asked of me.

i have been faced with such a painful loss and i admit to you now that sometimes i don't want to submit to the will of my loving Heavenly Father.  i think this is because i truly believe His will was for baby to be here with us, but He has promised us our agency, even when we use it in the worst of ways.

and readers, i believe this is all an example of exactly that.  i have been humbled.  truly agency is a powerful thing, and it's not to be taken lightly.  dear readers, it's a lesson we all must keep in mind.  i know that i have looked more closely at my decisions and i look deeper into how it might affect those around me.  

i know that one day my heart will be pieced back together, although there will always be a space for my sweet baby.  the deep love i have for her will not fade, but the pain of losing her will.  as much as it doesn't feel that way, i know it happens.  i've been here before.  i've been broken and bruised; thinking that the pain of losing my sweet child was enough to be the end of me.  now, while i still feel the dull ache, it's not sharp.  it's not consistent.  

sigh, time heals.  although the amount of time is often unknown.  

so for now, i will continue to whisper, 'yes' until i believe in myself again.  until the pain subsides and i can hear my spirit quietly tell my heart how much there is to hope for.  

because there is truly so much to hope for.  even if all is black around me.





more on my religion here.

p to the s.  i know there are pictures that i've taken down, and i've had to change some names, etc.  someone served my adoption agency (lds family services) with a court order for me to remove all pictures of our baby k, and also of her name and a the male version of erin.  it's been frustrating to say the least, but i've complied solely for my agency and for our sweet r.  we love you r. 
 
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23 comments:

Ashley said...

my goodness I love you woman. as always let me know how I can help.

Ashley said...

***hugs***

TIM&SHAN said...

Your posts in the past have brought tears to my eyes but I have never been sobbing like I am now.
You are such a beautiful soul Kenna.
So strong, amazing, a warrior of light.
If I could ask the Lord for anything it would be for him to take this pain from you. BUT I know from my own personal trials that this pain in time will refine you.
One day when satan returns to the earth you will be able to stand and face him with that strength and you will shout to him " Do your worst satan, I do not fear you, for I have already been to hell and back!"
You will be a leader of armies in the last days for the forces of good, and I for one will stand behind you and fight.
Love you so much.
I wish you knew how you have changed my life for good.

serenity said...

Love and hugs, sweetie.

xoxo

kate said...

That is the most beautiful post I have ever read. You are such a strong woman and please know you have been in my thoughts and prayers. I am so glad you continue to post here so that I can be inspired by you every day. You are a wonder!

Mary said...

You are strong, Kenna. May your hope continue to sustain you through these dark times times.

Angela Kelly said...

Agency...there is nothing like it. While I have not experienced your exact situation, I know what it's like to hurt more deeply than imaginable because others used their agency. You know my family's story. You know they're not doing the right thing, making that decision and the ripple effect, as you said, goes farther than they could ever know. You have the strength dear. I know you, and you truly have been through it all, and I only wish I had your strength to handle my small trials. I love you Kenna, I think so highly of you. God will reward you beyond all you can imagine, I hope you know that. We all love you!

Tressa said...

Thanks Akenna. This is just what I needed. I love you.

lauren said...

really beautiful my dear. that's all i got. :)

Jessica GaleForce said...

You said it perfectly! The pit so to speak.

BTW /drooling fish tacos
I have an authentic recipe for a hispanic lady down the street. Leme know and I will bring some by for you! They are so so good!

Jessica GaleForce said...

I am gonna re-phrase that...
I don't /drooling fish tacos
I was /drooling over the thought of Fish tacos...LOL L2type Jess

<-----I'm a dork, don't mind me.

Kristin Call said...

:). I needed this today. Thank you, Kenna.

Eric & Jodi Eames said...

Kenna. I wish I could give you a hug...wish I could sit on the beach right now with ya instead of being at work.

I think that lesson of being self aware is a rough one. Especially having to watch someone else so obviously make the wrong choice and take that baby away from you and Studly. People make dumb decisions daily I know I do and I hope I never hurt someone as deeply as R's man did you.

It's a sucky way to learn that lesson but it made me stop in my tracks and think twice about what I do on a daily basis. We are all so busy trying to stay afloat these days and everyone is struggling and stressed beyond limits and I think as a result we fail to notice those around us and show compassion. We all have such deep pain from some event or events in our lives and more than ever I think we need to band together and lift eachother up because these trials are so hard and if we can share the burden together and with Christ then anything is possible. It will suck for awhile but just know that when you are ready to call I will listen. Luv u girl more than u know!

Jess said...

I just want to hug you and never let go! I wish so bad I could be there for you, but alas, I am not one of the lucky ones who are close to you. I love you so much, and I ache for you. I have a hole in the pit of my stomach for you, I wish so SO bad I could take away your pain! I don't understand why you have been called to go through so much, but you must be a valiant spirit who is highly favored of Him. I love you so much McKenna, I will keep you in my prayers!

Kristin said...

Beautiful post. It's so true that the Lord blesses us, but he can't force someone else's free agency. And as an adoptive parent (or a prospective one), it is the thing that strikes the greatest fear in our heart - that someone will change their minds before our greatest blessing can be realized. I can't answer the why's of your sad story, but I know that at some point, you'll feel better. You're already so much stronger than you were when I first met you.

Tina said...

Seriously...that is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard! You are amazing! Thank you so much for sharing!

Melissa E Photography said...

You are amazing, Kenna. I don't know if I've ever seen such strength.

I don't know any details, but I know you must be going through hell. And to see you overcome and enlighten those around you (including me) is inspiring, to say the least.

You rock.

Jessica nan said...

I believe in Yes's and I believe in Y.O.U.

Next time I come visit Kristin.. I vote we have a baking party. :)

Karen Livingston said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am heartbroken for all that you have been through recently. You are a very loved person with so much love to give. Things will get better.

Robin said...

Kenna I love this post. That's all I can say! I read your blog a lot, but hardly ever comment. I just really, really love this one and thought I should tell you. You're a great writer.

Lisa said...

That is one of the most beautiful and well-spoken things I have ever heard. All the power you have is presented in that "yes", however loud or quiet it may be. You are amazing and strong Mckenna. Thank you for sharing with us in the eloquent manner that only you can put across.

mrs. m said...

((HUGS)) to you, Kate, and birthmom, and all those who are hurting right now. Wish I had the right words to say...

Lechelle said...

Oh Kenna I am so sorry, I didn't know about your loss until recently. Thank you for sharing your amazing faith in this beautiful post. (hugs)

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