Wednesday, August 25, 2010

...every now and then...

i get a little bit lonely.

i get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears.

i get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years of gone by.

i get a little bit terrified.

every now and then i fall apart.


wait, what?  did i just use lyrics from bonnie tyler's, 'total eclipse of the heart', circa 1982, to preface this post?

you bet i did. 

although i will confess, it was the glee cast version.  

guess who i got to visit yesterday?  i'll give you a little hint.


blarg!  more gynecological horrors! 

i have a goal to get into every room at this office and take a picture of all the stirrups.  seriously.  i aim high, readers.  i aim so high.

but i digress...

it's no secret, i visit doctors a lot.  we have this special, secret bond.  i give them all my money, they make me cry and then they buy a yacht and sail the world (with my money).  most secret type of bond there is.  i bet you don't know anyone else who has that kind of bond with their doctors.  i am that special.

or that dumb.  take your pick.

yesterday i had a visit with my surgeon.  he's a great guy, personable, good looking even.  takes time to answer my questions, explain things, great bedside manner, all the things you could want in a doctor.  (although i've never really wanted my gyno to be good looking.  it would make me feel better if he was wretched looking)  our time together was short.  he explained my surgery was a success in that they found mucho endometriosis and lasered the hell out of it. i knew i liked this guy.  i cannot explain to you the horrific pain i endured at the hand (or cells?) of endometriosis.  studly said i was in less pain immediately after my surgery than when i would have endo cramps.  good sign.  great news.  i will no longer need at least one perc.ocet per day to survive, and i will no longer need to rock myself to sleep at night because of the pain.  i think that was driving studly crazy.  

so, all is well, right?  why would i even have a breakdown after such a visit?

the man had pictures, which i am completely fascinated by.  dr. mcgoodlooking pointed out where all the endometriosis was, showed where he burned it off, and then proceeded to explain that the endometriosis had caused severe damage.  as in, scar tissued my left ovary and fallopian tube to my pelvic wall.  he couldn't even move them.  needless to say, they don't work.  this didn't conjure up much of a reaction in me.  i've known for a while now that i don't have the most pristine reproductive organs.  i'm not like the oswald sisters.  no doctor has ever told me how perfect my cervix is.  (and you know, i'm totally okay with that)   so it shouldn't really be that much of a blow to hear this.  again.  by another doctor.

oh but it was.

you see, now they have picture proof of my inability to have a child.  sure, my chart is full of tests and procedures proving that i fail in this area, but something about seeing those pictures made my stomach flip and turn and tie itself in a knot.  

every now and then infertility climbs out from the back seat of my mind and kicks. my. ass. 

it takes me into a dark alley and beats me senseless.  it yells in my ear, 'you will never be good enough!' and, 'you'll never get what you want as long as i'm around.'  sure, most days i tuck it away and move through my life like a 'normal' person would.  no one could tell by looking at me that i have huge holes in my heart, that i've lost 5 babies, that at any minute i'm probably going to recede to the candy aisle to bawl my eyes out while eating m&m's i haven't paid for yet.  

these are the days when breathing seems like a waste of my energy.  where i read naive facebook statuses about, 'when i get pregnant in a few months...' (nice to know you have control over your universe) and i want to comment about how their perceived control is just that, perceived.  where i take the longest, hottest shower ever in the world trying to calm myself down because my head can't wrap around the fact that i will NEVER get to plan.  that my becoming a mother (or not) is 100% outside my control.  that even if a sweet baby is placed in my arms, it can be taken away.  

how's that for reality?

because it's mine.  every. single. day.

so, naturally, every now and then i fall apart.


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22 comments:

Melissa E Photography said...

Kenna, you always leave me without words. A simple "I'm sorry" sounds trite. A "hang in there" sounds simplistic and insincere.

Hows about "you're an awesome/genuine/rockstar-writer/spiritual-giant-like lady?"

Nah, still doesn't fit.

Love you.

Alecia said...

Wow. You sure have a way with words. I am so so so so sorry. I know there is nothing you can hear really to make you feel better. I know that I haven't known you for very long , or know you at all really, but i think you are so totally awesome. i love your honesty, and humor. I sincerely HOPE for you. All the time. I can't begin to imagine your pain. I get so sick of facebook too. How everyone can reproduce like freaking rabbits , and insist on giving us a play by play of their fertility experiences. I didn't realize, til now, how offensive those people really are! Now I will be more sensitive, cause i have a small taste of how it feels. i know what you mean about "failure". it sucks. living in utah doesn't help at all. i'm so sorry. i don't have much inspiration for you, but i do sympathize. keep up your awesomeness. :)

Fo Showe said...

Well, first off, thanks for posting pictures of Lilo and Stitch (the stirrup dolls)I have never seen those two. Doc must be making crazy money to just keep buying stirrup dolls. He probably has different ones for all the holidays too.

I love you and sometime soon a really great lady will do the most selfless thing anyone can do and give you and Studly a most phenomenal gift. Then, with great satisfaction you can tell the gyno that "sorry, you are not financing the purchase of anymore stirrup dolls on my dime." (get it, cuz you won't go visit him 13 times during pregnancy)

serenity said...

Love and hugs, sweetie. Wish I had more to offer you.

xxx

Susan said...

Oh McKenna I wish I had something amazing to say to let you know how often I think of you or how much you are in my prayers. But that's it. You might get sick of hearing it but I think you're amazing. I'm so sorry for your losses. I love you and will continue to pray for you and Josh.

Harmony said...

Kenna-
You amaze me!! You deal with SO much and still you are there for everyone else!!
I know before I had my short short (compared to other people) experience with infertility I realized a lot of things. I hated hearing all the things you mentioned. I have tried much harder to be careful about what I say.
I too wish I was better with words and had something really awesome to say to you. You are in my prayers!!

kate said...

That was so powerful. I miss you!

AJ said...

Amen sister! You didn't fail though. I blame our faulty reproductive organs on Heavenly Father. He's the one that made us after all! Hang in there....

I am SOOOOOOOO glad that you aren't in pain anymore. Belt it out and fall apart all you want.

Kate said...

Kenna,
There are no words for the awesomeness that you empower and the strength it gives others. Finally, a true story about infertility and the pain caused when it rears its ugly head. I could never sympathize with what you are feeling. I have no idea what it must feel like to have everything completely out of your control, yet want to be a mother so desperately, heartbreakingly bad. Just know that I am always here for you, good days and bad days, especially the bad days. I hope to help you in just ounces compared to the help you've given me. I have so so so much love for you. I will watch my words, and the words of all others that could possibly hurt you and give them a swift kick somewhere the sun don't shine. YOU are BRAVE, my soul twin. YOU. Loves

lauren said...

first of all, if we're to go along with the lyrics of said song, you and studly need to have some hot sex pronto. second, who the hell dresses up their stirrups in such a weird fashion? no way i'm putting my feetsies in those. and finally, in all seriousness, i am so sorry you're hurting. i am sorry that your life has been a suckfest lately. but know that i love you and will always be here for you. just not for the "hot sex" part. ;)

Ashley said...

Amen. My reason is different but my feelings the same. Love your way from someone who understands.

Jessica GaleForce said...

I totally feel ya Lady when you said "where i read naive facebook statuses about, 'when i get pregnant in a few months...' (nice to know you have control over your universe) and i want to comment about how their perceived control is just that, perceived." I just wanna write the nastiest comments sometimes. Sometimes it feels like they are rubbing it in my face.

I love you Lady! Thanks for being such a great friend! All us infertile chics gotta stick together! Even if that means we have therapy sessions in the candy aisle eating m&ms we haven't paid for yet. LOl

/hugs

Jewls said...

That picture looks like something out of a horror movie! Que the creepy music.

So sorry Kenna, big time sucky!

stephanie said...

WOW! you deal with a lot. To some level I understand you heartache. We had 8 failed adoption between My first and second child. I also feel like I have never been lucky enough to have control over any aspect of my life. I have always said if something can go wrong for me it will. I am not saying that in a pity party way just a realistic way. I haven't let my obstacles stop me from getting what I want most in life and I think I am a stronger person for it. I also notice no matter how much you are hurting you are not giving up. Eventually things will fall into place for you and you will be such a strength for other people. I think you are even now.

Kent and Leisy said...

you're always in my prayers, emk.

A said...

I'm thinking of you girl. Reality freaking sucks. Period. I can't imagine how you're feeling, but I sincerely hope you find a way to cope.

P.S. Have to agree with the comment about the creepy stirrup things. WTH?

Live Reid said...

Kenna-

I don't think I have ever cried so hard at work. I want you to know I am so here for you. I'm only 15 min away and I am a great listener, and a decent cook. Comfort food is always a bonus. Anytime, seriously. Know that I feel your pain. I get through the days praying for miracles, and that people will do the right things. Know that I am praying for you like it was me. LOVE YOU!!!

Jen Nelson said...

Love your freaking guts. LOVE the music reference.

Naturally you will fall apart. I hope you know how many of us will do whatever we can to help put you back together.

Thinking of you all the time!

Loves!!

David & Jessica said...

Thank you for your powerful words!! You are amazing and beautiful!

Erin said...

India says, "I love you. When I get back, I will come to your house. And I will draw you a picture. Bye." :( India is leaving you a frowny face to make you happy. (???)

And I love you too. When I get back, I will come to your house. And I will give you a hug. I'm so sorry.

Brianne said...

It's true, I do stalk your blog. And I love you. And though i don't know the full extent of how you are feeling and your pain, I understand a little. It's hard to hear that the entire world is getting pregnant and feeling like it will never happen to you. Ever. We're going through a little taste of that right now. You are inspiration. Love you lots.

sara said...

oh honey, i am so flippin sorry.

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