i get a little bit lonely.
i get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears.
i get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years of gone by.
i get a little bit terrified.
every now and then i fall apart.
wait, what? did i just use lyrics from bonnie tyler's, 'total eclipse of the heart', circa 1982, to preface this post?
you bet i did.
although i will confess, it was the glee cast version.
guess who i got to visit yesterday? i'll give you a little hint.
blarg! more gynecological horrors!
i have a goal to get into every room at this office and take a picture of all the stirrups. seriously. i aim high, readers. i aim so high.
but i digress...
it's no secret, i visit doctors a lot. we have this special, secret bond. i give them all my money, they make me cry and then they buy a yacht and sail the world (with my money). most secret type of bond there is. i bet you don't know anyone else who has that kind of bond with their doctors. i am that special.
or that dumb. take your pick.
yesterday i had a visit with my surgeon. he's a great guy, personable, good looking even. takes time to answer my questions, explain things, great bedside manner, all the things you could want in a doctor. (although i've never really wanted my gyno to be good looking. it would make me feel better if he was wretched looking) our time together was short. he explained my surgery was a success in that they found mucho endometriosis and lasered the hell out of it. i knew i liked this guy. i cannot explain to you the horrific pain i endured at the hand (or cells?) of endometriosis. studly said i was in less pain immediately after my surgery than when i would have endo cramps. good sign. great news. i will no longer need at least one perc.ocet per day to survive, and i will no longer need to rock myself to sleep at night because of the pain. i think that was driving studly crazy.
so, all is well, right? why would i even have a breakdown after such a visit?
the man had pictures, which i am completely fascinated by. dr. mcgoodlooking pointed out where all the endometriosis was, showed where he burned it off, and then proceeded to explain that the endometriosis had caused severe damage. as in, scar tissued my left ovary and fallopian tube to my pelvic wall. he couldn't even move them. needless to say, they don't work. this didn't conjure up much of a reaction in me. i've known for a while now that i don't have the most pristine reproductive organs. i'm not like the oswald sisters. no doctor has ever told me how perfect my cervix is. (and you know, i'm totally okay with that) so it shouldn't really be that much of a blow to hear this. again. by another doctor.
oh but it was.
you see, now they have picture proof of my inability to have a child. sure, my chart is full of tests and procedures proving that i fail in this area, but something about seeing those pictures made my stomach flip and turn and tie itself in a knot.
every now and then infertility climbs out from the back seat of my mind and kicks. my. ass.
it takes me into a dark alley and beats me senseless. it yells in my ear, 'you will never be good enough!' and, 'you'll never get what you want as long as i'm around.' sure, most days i tuck it away and move through my life like a 'normal' person would. no one could tell by looking at me that i have huge holes in my heart, that i've lost 5 babies, that at any minute i'm probably going to recede to the candy aisle to bawl my eyes out while eating m&m's i haven't paid for yet.
these are the days when breathing seems like a waste of my energy. where i read naive facebook statuses about, 'when i get pregnant in a few months...' (nice to know you have control over your universe) and i want to comment about how their perceived control is just that, perceived. where i take the longest, hottest shower ever in the world trying to calm myself down because my head can't wrap around the fact that i will NEVER get to plan. that my becoming a mother (or not) is 100% outside my control. that even if a sweet baby is placed in my arms, it can be taken away.
how's that for reality?
because it's mine. every. single. day.
so, naturally, every now and then i fall apart.