Saturday, September 25, 2010

...man nose hair...

so, i had brain surgery once.

yeah, really.

let's just say it's not at the top of my, 'best experiences ever' list. mmk, let's be honest here, it's not even close to that list. in fact, this is all a huge lie, 'cause i don't even have a, 'best experiences ever' list. naturally, brain surgery would more be on a list entitled, 'if i ever have to do this again in my life time i'll just pull my own plug, thanks' list. yeah, THAT list.

truth be told i don't remember much about said brain surgery experience. truth also be told that i worship the individuals who developed morphine & fentanyl. (speaking of, did you know that the army has fentanyl lollipops? seriously. where were THOSE during this time of my life?!  or now.  whatever.)

however, despite my awesome lack of memory associated with this experience, how about i share what i do remember? you are on the edge of your couch, aren't you? laptop teetering precariously on your knees. what will she even say?!

calm down. don't get your hopes up.

by the third or fourth day in the icu, i was lucid for large parts of the day.  most of these moments were spent watching 'myth busters' on the discovery channel (seriously, icu tv sucks, although the late night programming on the disney channel isn't too bad) or anxiously awaiting my next dose of morphine. 

during such a waiting period (you know, i think they should have kept me intubated so my morphine allotment would be exponentially higher.) i was tenderly touching my poor nose.  for those of you who don't know this part, the surgeon basically split my nose, and drilled back into my sinuses to get to my brain.  GET THIS: they used a form of topical cocain and packed it in my nose. this. is. awesome.  why i can't get that in a prescription, i have no idea.  when studly is a pharmacist i'm going to have him look into that.

moving on...

after the surgery they shoved what i can only describe as, 'nose tampons' up my nose and into my brain.  okay, not into my brain, but it sure as hell felt like it.  dr. g called them rhino rockets, but nose tampons describes them better.  would you like a visual?  naw, that's just mean.  (although studly did take a picture of them after they were pulled from my nose, it's sick, as i'm sure you can imagine)  

i keep getting off track.  so, my nose hurt and i was feeling it because i was certain dr. g maimed me for life.  i felt inside my right nostril (i'm realizing this is gross and embarrassing) to feel where dr. g had sliced me up. 

i felt something.  

it. was. a. nose. hair.

no, like a MAN nose hair.  

this was, naturally, cause for an extreme meltdown.  in which i begged josh to find me a pair of tweezers, and of course he obliged.  when your wife is thrashing in her icu bed for a pair of tweezers, you deliver, damn it!  

well, deliver he did.  after he supplied me with the tweezers, he took off for his classes, leaving me alone with the tweezers and the gross man hair in my nose.  

(do you see where this is going yet?)

i didn't have a mirror, but i didn't need a mirror, because that man nose hair could be seen from outer space!  i was SURE of it.  so i went at it, tugging and pulling that man nose hair out of my dainty, broken, woman nose.  

i don't have a better picture, but let me show you where this man nose hair was located...

until dr. g walked in.  

'what in the world are you doing?!'  (mmk, i think he actually may have said, 'what the hell are you doing', but i don't remember)

i looked up frantically...

'man nose hair!  MAN. NOSE. HAIR!'  

dr. g, 'put those down, woman, those are your STITCHES.'

um, right.

and that's when dr. g realized i'm insane, and that the surgery was a big. fat. failure.



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11 comments:

Ashley said...

Just tried to explain to Mike why I was laughing.

Failed. Funnier when you tell it.

I would have done the same. thing.

AJ said...

I was squinting at the screen to try and see the man nose hairs....hahahaha....

That made me laugh, which is exactly what I needed this morning!

Oh, the army needs to dispense those lollipops to civilians. Those should NOT be kept from us!

Jessica GaleForce said...

Lol Dr. G! I miss that man!! Good times!

Alli said...

I love that Josh was your accomplice and you got busted!

The Wendler Family said...

R-O-F-L!! HILARIOUS!! I'm dying here! lol classic.
I am glad Dr G man walked in to stop you from plucking out a stitch that was helping to hold your nose in place!

TIM&SHAN said...

OMG you are the funniest ever Kenna!!! I just love ya. that was a great story. Thanks for the laugh!!

Trent and Janel Lyman said...

What kind of ICU nurse lets their patient have tweezers. they should have tied your hands down and covered you in man hairs so you looked like an ape. :) nurses are such caring people. T

T said...

You funny!

Erin said...

Oh good grief! That is too too funny!

DeAnna said...

laughing to tears so funny

Kristin said...

This one was hilarious. Glad you're keeping your sense of humor.

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