Tuesday, September 28, 2010

...see the difference?...

i was hoping that i would avoid this post by releasing my frustrations via the status tool on facebook. seriously, it's a passive aggressive person's dream. you can be ambiguous and awful and everyone will ask who/what you are talking about, but you don't have to tell them. you wouldn't anyway, because that's the whole point.

passive aggressiveness is a necessary evil.

i didn't used to think this way, but within the past 4 years a lot of pass agress pros have drifted into my life. they blow. my. mind. seriously. if there was an award ceremony for passive aggressive behavior, i have your top winners.

the best part? i'm so being passive aggressive right now. 

beautiful, ain't it.

however, this isn't the point of why i'm writing.

i'm writing because i've had it up to (here) with people who demean my pain and hellish experiences. best part? they have no right, nor have they experienced said pain and hellish anguish. yet they think it's okay to laugh, gossip, whatever, at my expense.

oh you had to know this was coming. 

i'm going to give you an example.  now, i have a whole bag (bigger than santa's bag actually) of experiences that fit the bill for this post, but i'm gonna use the most recent, as it's the most fresh in my ever collapsing memory.  

saturday studly and i drove to bfe for some family pictures.  (his family)  let's be honest here, i am not necessarily comfortable with my in laws. (some of them, anyway)  never have been.  maybe i'll get booed for that, but i'm sure a lot of you, regardless if you admit it or not, have this issue.

now, studly and i are the only ones without kids (okay, he has a little sister taking off for a mission, but that doesn't count)  so, naturally, getting our pictures taken was a quick and easy task.  she posed us, i mocked said poses, we smiled, snap click whatever, done.  yeah, i'm not gonna lie, pretty damn easy.

as we were getting our pictures taken, studly's brother-in-law felt it necessary to announce the following observation: 

'their family pictures are so easy, that's not fair.'

laughter ensued.  

(i'm not deaf, people)

mmk, so i know many of you will think, 'he was probably joking.  he meant no harm' 

here is what i think: i don't care if he was joking.  ignorance is not an excuse.   you can mock my weight, my lack of brain power due to tubby, you can mock whatever you want, but don't. you. dare. use our hellish experiences of not having any children for your entertainment.  

here's the deal buckos, you all made a choice.  you made a choice to have kids.  you made the choice to have all your kids 11-15 months apart.  naturally, you know, according to darwin or whatever, family pictures will be kind of a pain in the arse because you've got 3 kids 3 and under, or 4 kids 6 and under, or one screeching kid, or whatever.  

you. made. that. choice.

studly and me?  no choice for us.  must be SO easy right?  we get to rely on others choices when it comes to having a family. remember that?  remember how we had our daughter snatched from our arms?   i'm so sorry that i made you think about how hard it is for you.  truly, i don't know what i was THINKING.

i've said it before and i'll say it again, i'm going to hell.

one bright spot, however.

one person.  ONE PERSON out of 8 stood up for us.  

she said what i wanted to say.  we would trade places with you in a heart beat.  so don't. you. dare. laugh at our expense.  we have been through more hell than you can fathom.  wanna know how i know?

you had your kids on your laps for those pictures.

we had our lost kids on our minds for those pictures.

see the difference?

we would trade the best day we've had without kids for your worst day with them.



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36 comments:

Jamie said...

Gawd, I love your posts.

Michelle said...

I hate that people are so stupid. It may be harmless to them, but its not to us.... use some common sense people! Why is it that the in laws dont get it? Mine don't either. They have said so many retarded things to me about babies that piss me off.

You are a braveee for writing about this... if I did there would be sooo much drama in my family!

kimsueellen said...

As I said earlier today, mean people suck bizass. xo

The VerNooy's said...

I am giving you one kazillion kudos for this part. I would of started a huge fight with my family if they pulled such bullshit on me and my man. Infertility is by no means a choice. Its pure hell that no one can understand but the ones that are suffering through it. Each person's battle with infertity is different. People should leave you the hell alone. And shut there pie holes. If they don't, I will beat the crap out of them for you.

Trent and Janel Lyman said...

You rock! And I love you. That's all.

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal said...

I've been thinking of having a little pamphlet made up that is entitled "So You've Decided to be a Jerk-A** about our Infertility". I could have handed it out sooooo many times.

Wanna go in on it with me? LOL

Holly & Kasey said...

Oh Kenna! You keep ranting on! I love it! Tell it like it is! It is amazing how stupid some people are. With their lack of respect for others-

Jeanne said...

Kenna, what holes. I am so sorry.

"Just kidding" or "only joking" people need their butts kicked.

And Que & Brittany, I'll donate to the cause.

mrs. r said...

brittany, i will pay for the printing. done and done.

kenna, passive aggressiveness is what makes fb go round! don't stop. it keeps me so entertained.

also--hiding people on fb is my latest P.A. craze!

i am glad that someone stuck up for you! bless that person's heart!

Jen Nelson said...

What. the. hell.

My stomach dropped when I read that. Disgusting. Really. Sadly, knowing the history of asshole-ishness (yup, just made that up) from your in-laws I'm not surprised.

Infertility is not funny. The loss of SO much is not funny. When are those morons going to get it through their heads?

I'm so sorry that after everything you have had to go through there are people that continually make it worse.

Big hugs babe. Love you lots.

Aubrey said...

I totally LOVE you!!!

When we were trying to get pregnant with our first (6 years ago) my husband's family had NO idea what we were going through. A couple of them had a *glimpse* into it, taking *GASP!* 2-3 months to get pregnant. I remember one family gathering where we were being HOUNDED about when we were going to have kids. I was getting closer and closer to tears. Finally, I excused myself to go to the bathroom...and I LEFT. I got in the car and left. About 5 minutes later, my hubby called and asked where I was. I came back to pick him up and we just drove for about an hour. Later, we went to go rejoin the family at his folks house. We had called to tell his parents where we were so that they didn't worry.

His dad had the BALLS to say that we were just being immature and that we needed to not take the comments so personally...

I have sooooooooooooo many other experiences myself. The most recent is still stinging.

I'm so sorry, Kenna!! People suck. Just know that you have sooooooooooo many people that know what you are going through and are here to support you. Keep letting the aggression out this way. Its hysterical, and I'm sure theraputic.

Alecia said...

gosh, i love you. i know i don't know you in real life but you are so awesome! you say it right, all of it. i HATE when people think they are being funny when they make jokes about something that is really indeed a very serious matter. these people are dumb and ignorant. i have a mother in law like that. good grief, these people need to join a special colony away from the rest of us. i love how real you are. keep it up forever.

Ashley said...

I know how gut wrenchingly painful it is to have people say rude insensitive thing like that. It's not fair.

I'm hoping and praying that you will soon have to take forever with your family photos.

While I leave flaming bags of poo on the doorsteps of people who make these kinds of comments.

Addresses please???

Nicole said...

In-laws are the worst. Mine once joked in front of hubby and I that you should have your boyfriend/girlfriend prove that their "goods" are in working order before you propose.

Yup, that was {really} funny.

MAYBERRY said...

Kenna your blog is so fun to look at. My experiences are different but the same as yours. Like when my 12 day old baby was having open-heart surgery and people told me they know what I'm going through. Really? Have they ever had to watch their baby struggle to live? Or when people found out my husband worked 14 hours away and could only come home every 4-6 weeks and women would say "don't you love having him gone? You can do whatever you want?" Really? No, I hated having him gone. People just don't think before they speak. I can't even imagine what you have gone through. Hang in there. (Easier said than done, I know.)

Michelle said...

Really? Seriously? Who says that? Ever...to anyone...they know or don't know?

I don't think I would have it in me to show up at family functions.

TIM&SHAN said...

Oh MY Gosh I seriously would like to come there and give them a piece of my mind!!! Or egg their house. Either one. They don't know what I look like. I just need addresses seriously ... just hand em ova.

Kenna I love ya and I seriously know how it feels to have insensitive things said to you.
Like after I had my first miscarriage my father in law told me.... " Don't worry girl, just get back up on that stick" :/

Seriously?..........

anyways I am so glad you ranted about it, it was time.

Kelly said...

i am not sure shy Kenna but this post almost made me cry and i think it is because you said it exactally how i have felt for the last 6 years of childlessness.

I wish I had a choice. i wish people whould stop saying that everthing in thier life is up to God, or fate, or whatever else. I wish they could see the blessing of thier choice to make love and have their love create a body for a spirit that blesses their home.

Thinking of it makes me want to cry right now.

Thanks for the post.

Jewls said...

There was nothing worse than telling someone we were hoping to adopt and them saying some "genius" and "original" comment like, "Oh enjoy it while it lasts, you can do so much without kids" or "You want mine" (Of course I don't want yours you already ruined them!)

What it comes down to is that people suck! I'm sorry your heart hurts so much. I pray for you and Josh every day, I'm not just saying that to be nice either, I really do. Hopefully all of us wearying God with our prayers in your behalf will bring something bright and happy to all of the loss you've faced!

Josh and Kandice said...

I know how you feel my dear. My sister in law used to say things like that. She and my brother have 2 kids under 2 and we have none and have been trying to have just one longer than she and my brother have known each other. It really pisses me off. Some people just don't think or have no common sense. I can't imagine what it's like losing 6 babies, you have been through hell. But I don't think you're going to hell! Love you!

Holly said...

Go Kenna! I can't believe people can be so insensitive...over the six years we've been trying to have kids we have had some of the most horrible, jaw-dropping things said to us.
I'm glad you had your passive-aggressive moment.

Krista said...

Honey, it is all about the righteous indignation. I vividly remember making my way through BYU campus only two days after my second miscarriage and running into a high school friend who had just returned from her mission. Our small talk chat boiled down to that elephant in the room, "So when are you going to have kids?" "I just miscarried this week, actually, so yeah, whenever Heavenly Father decides to stop taking babies away from me, that's when I'll have kids." I actually, as twisted as this sounds, enjoy the look of awkwardness and horror on people's faces as I pwn them because it gives me hope that they'll remember this. It's all worth it if even one person can be spared from the insulting, inconsiderate insults.

And I told you about the time my mom was whining that she's not a grandmother yet on my birthday, right? She struggled with infertility all her young adult life, but still made a comment like that. I've promised myself I will NEVER forget what this feels like, even if I do have a kid or two 25 years from now. There is no excuse for that.

Yo Mama said...

Feel better to have vented? I love how you spin your passive aggressiveness into a riveting story. I cheered at your gusto. Next step....to say it at the moment-to said offenders' face so that you don't stew about it for so long. When you can be a B**** right on the spot, that's when you know you've made it.

Put me down for a pamphlet donation.

Cali said...

I'm with Yo Mama on this one - and Michelle. I don't think I'd have it in me to show up to family functions either. Sorry Kenna.

Dan & Jena said...

I to have had similar experiences. I had a lady ask/tell me once "when are you going to have kids? ya know you really need to get on the ball with having kids, it's not good to wait so long because you never know if something is going to be wrong with you" I was like thanks a** hole! Ok, not really but I wanted to say that. People just need to learn when to shut their mouths especially when it comes to such a sensitive subject. People can be so darn rude.

Jessica GaleForce said...

Wow, this story brings back so many memories for me.

All most people are are warm bodies, and no brain! It doesn't take a genius or even a brain surgeon (lol) to know that even jesting about infertility. Its almost like they have to one up you so you remember, like you need reminding anyways, that you don't have children or that somehow its easier that you don't have kids. yeah SOOOOOOoooo much easier to not have kids when your heartaches to feel their little hands clasped around your fingers.

I had a sisterinlaw just found out she was pregnant tell me that she worried after not getting pregnant the first month of trying. I sat their and just smiled as she tried to tell me she could now kind of understand what I am been through. Lol Its almost comical sometimes. And while I know she is trying to bond with me and let me know she understands. She really has no idea. Its funny, as much as its hurt in the past, it didn't really even phase me until I was reading a comment from Aubrey about a similar experience! I also enjoyed Krista's comment about running into a girl from high school. Sometimes it just feels so good to rub someones nose in it, it being the poo of our trials! Lol

I would have ripped your brother in law apart, limb from limb, for berating you like that! He's lucky I wasn't there! I would be going to prison for a long time....

Chad & Angela Nuttall said...

Wow Kenna...THANK YOU!!! Hang in there you are in our prayers always!

Richard and McKenna said...

I am new to your blog and I have to say that I love it!! I am sometimes floored by the things people have said! We had 3 miscarriages before we had our little boy who was born in February and some of the things people said were just down right crazy. I was sometimes tempted just to laugh hysterically because they were so rude. In fact I wrote a very similar post almost 2 years ago that I thought you might enjoy (http://mypersonalcrucible.blogspot.com/2008/10/angst.html)
And how ironic is it that my name is also McKenna? I really enjoy reading your blog.

Val'n'Ben said...

I'd do it again in a heartbeat too. It needed to be said. And so much more.

realsoy said...

I know you're probably filtering these responses but I hope you at least read this even if it doesn't show up on your blog. Having read some of these posts, trying to understand you a little more...You seem like a person who is never going to be happy with anything. You're constantly playing the victim, apparently searching for the "you are the best, kenna" type comments. Your skewed view of someone's insensitivity, taking offense to things that weren't meant to be offensive. Foolish. You then answer a misguided comment with calculated fighting words. Who's worse in that situation? They didn't mean harm and you met it with a swift judgmental sword. Its your blog, bottom line. But I've only been reading it for a short time thinking that my wife and I could relate to your infertility issues. Instead your written word pity party is just that, pitiful. So, I guess it worked. You'll be a victim forever, too. Since no one around you has apparently thought to correct this behavior. The glass will always be half-empty for a soul like you. As for the in law thing. Did you ever think of yourself as the terrible in law instead of everyone else being so awful? Anyway, good luck with trying to find happiness. I'd consider putting "downward spiral of negative and judgmental commentary" next to your blog tags of "infertility, brain tumor, (reversed) adoption, big laughs, some tears."

Kenna said...

realsoy:

nope, i don't filter them. i figure if you want to say something, say it.

i admit, i fear because you have an ambiguous 'identity' that you are either (a) one of my in-laws or (b) very close to them. however, from my knowledge, there are no infertility struggles with them at the present time. i'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

as far as the posts you are reading, you must not have gone back very far, or really attempted to understand anything.

i will be the first to admit that at the present moment, i'm struggling. i have a whole medicine cabinet to prove it. you know, when your baby gets taken away, then another failed placement, a failed surgery, and a medication in the form of a shot from hell kind of wears on one's ability to see the silver lining.

i'm sorry you find it as pitiful. i didn't realize you've been so intimately involved in the hell we've been through. or been at the table during the conversations where i talk to my husband about how i am, indeed, an awful daughter/sister in law. that was an experience that was, shall i say, the straw on the camels back. if you truly aren't attached to my in laws in any way, you wouldn't know the other experiences we've had.

you know nothing of my soul, but thank you for your opinion. i have been through a lot of soul crushing experiences over the years. i guess a few of you are bound to find my blog pitiful, but i write the true horror behind infertility. if you'd like, i can direct you towards some happier blogs that sugar coat the experience. so many women feel ashamed of the negative emotions they feel. that shouldn't be so. i'm not in this for the comments, those are an added bonus. again, since you know me so well, you would have known, right?

i suppose it could give that impression, of pitiful, to someone who doesn't really know me.

so, thanks for calling me to judgment when no one else had the courage too.

Kristin Call said...

Realsoy-
I'm really not one to call other commenters out, (especially on a blog that's not mine), but what on earth makes you think you have the right to so judgmentally and rudely tear someone down who has already been through more than you could ever imagine? Your assumptions are sickening. Kenna's as real as it gets. She doesn't filter anything. She takes it as it comes and she does a beautiful job of it. You mention how you've only read her blog for a short time. And then you criticize her for making snap judgments and coming up with carefully calculated fighting words. I would encourage you to really think about just exactly who is holding the swift judgmental sword?

realsoy said...

I'm just saying...You aren't the only one battling with infertility. No I'm not an in-law(of yours) nor do I know yours. I have some of my own, problems of their own and I plan on making a life with them and my wife and not just finding fault with them on a whim. And when someone says, "who do you think your are to say this kind of stuff...blah blah blah." I'm a person just like Kenna with an opinion and a loud one at that. So don't dish it if you can't take it. I've read all of the things that you've been through. I don't think they should be used as an excuse to say or type whatever without any consequence. I don't live near you and I've never had a tumor. The fertility battle, though. We're there. But I never try to make our battle more intense or harder than others. All I'm saying is I found this online and have read for a couple of months on and off and you ask for sensitivity of others but don't pretend to live by the same rules. Walking on egg shells like that around a person all the time can't be fun. An online pissing match won't solve anything. I was just sick of everyone pouring out their souls in agreement for your rant about someone making a comment that wasn't meant in harm. "He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool." I'm not offended by your blog posts, I mean its your blog. But there's a holla back portion that I used. That's all. No biggie.

Kenna said...

wow, i didn't realize i said i was the only one battling infertility. i merely write about my experiences. you may have not have had a brain tumor, but just because you are experiencing infertility doesn't mean we understand each others situation, which it seems like you are implying. because you have infertility in your life, you must know what it's like in my life.

i'd never wish infertility on anyone. i'm truly, honestly, sorry you are having this experience. it's hell. i'm sure we can agree on that, at least.

i didn't write that expecting there to be zero consequences. there were irritated emails, frustrated phone calls, trust me, back lash WAS experienced.

they agree because they've been there.

again, thank you for your comments, gives me something to think about, you know, my negativity and pitifulness. hmmm, i don't that's a word.

carry on!

Ashley said...

All I can say is that perhaps you deserve the empathy you have shown to Kenna. May you receive all you've chosen to "dish" and perhaps you'll reconsider Kennas method of taking it. Perhaps a home filled with this kind of self-centered attitude of "Theyre just whining" and "get over it" is why there are such nasty comments made to those who are struggling. Perhaps it's people who are so empathetically and charitablly retarded that raised the people who have been so ugly and self centered when it comes to such a deep pain. I don't know just a thought.

Kenna considering you've lost two children in four months, i think your efforts to keep going are admirable and inspiring. Bad days happen but you know this better than anyone. Proud of you for voicing your opinions and maybe causing others to think before they open their mouths or hit their keyboard.

The problem with mud wrestling a pig is that you both get dirty and the pig likes it. Don't respond to them again. They are the reason people are silent about their struggles. Don't let that dictate your writing. I'm glad you said it. Love you.

Megan Marie said...

These are the thoughts I've had since reading your post and the comments:

1. I am now slightly terrified to talk with my friends and family who are struggling with infertility, for fear that I might put my foot in my mouth. I guess that's good, right?

2. I hope that not all people going through similar trials feel like it's parents against longing couples. I actually hope that through love, patience, forgiveness and mutual respect we could help one another.

3. I sympathize slightly with someone who really has no clue about what you're going through and in an effort to alleviate tension resorts to joking. Not that cracking jokes is my style, but people do all sorts of things when they feel awkward. I guess I feel guilty for sympathizing, but those complex emotions make me human, just like yours make you human.

4. As dumb and cheesy as this sounds, I feel as if a turn-the-other-cheek attitude might improve the situation with in-laws. As a recovering passive-aggressive relater, being honest (in private) with my feelings to the one who harmed them, has helped me heal more completely than venting ever could.

5. I don't know what you believe about God. But I believe he is a loving Heavenly Father, capable of comforting us in our sorrows. We may not be able to choose what happens to us, but He helps us to respond positively if we ask for His help.

Anyway, not that it really matters what I'm thinking about. But That's what this little box is for, right?

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