Friday, October 22, 2010

...confession 1...

let's talk about the elephant in the room. (ha, think thirty rock)

i'll come right out and say it.  i'm negative.  now, it's not always this way, how about reading this post, or this one, or this is a good one, or maybe this one or this one.  or this one.  or maybe this one.  okay, i like this one too.  one more, this one.

however, yes, lately, i can barely hold it together.  there are other blogs that show a lot more strength in infertility and health problems than mine does.  trust me, i get it.  i've seen posts written about it, i've received comments about it, i get it.

now, maybe i'm just a pansy.  that handling everything that has come our way in six months time (yes, i shall list them, 2 FAILED adoptions ((the first with our daughter being taken away after 2 weeks)) a failed surgery, and a crazy medical protocol that isn't for sure going to help with my pain ((ask mooshinindy about lupron)) has been hard for me.  add the meds i have to take because of the other meds i'm taking, and it's a big, vicious, negative cycle.

yeah, i was a little whiny there, and you may be saying, 'but you can still choose to be happy.'   

i am happy.

there are just certain sections of my life that i'm not totally capable of compartmentalizing and it causes it to leak everywhere.  i know, right?  shocker, i'm human.  between losing our baby kate, and the second failed adoption, and you know, my dead daughter, oh and that brain tumor that messed up my pituitary gland where important, emotional messing with hormones, are sent out,  i went a little crazy.  i lost the ability to find a silver lining.  

i. am. negative. about what i'm going through right now, but i. am. trying.  

some days are good, some days are bad, and apparently i am not focusing on the right things.

i stand by what i said, that i would trade my best day without kids for anyone's worst day with them.  maybe that comes after having 6 babies slip through our hands. 

however, please don't think that i am not fully aware of how blessed i am.  in fact, my most awesome mom has me write my blessing on post its and i put them around the house as reminders on the bad days when i would just rather take a nap and forget about life.  

my life is awesome.  

i'm in my 5th year of marriage to the most amazing man i've ever come across.  do i deserve him?  of course not, but he chose me and i'll take it.  we have learned more in these years through our experiences which has strengthened us as a married couple as well as individuals.  i've felt us stretch and grow together.  has this been comfortable?  of course not!  thing is, i can't stop it, so we stick together, we honor our commitments to each other, and we are both blessed because of our marriage.

i have a job that i love, with bosses that take amazing care of me.  i make enough to meet my needs, studly's needs, and belle's and petey's needs.  (so we have a bunny and a bird, without kids you kinda go all pet crazy...or we kinda go all pet crazy.)  i got to buy a car that i looooooooove.  (sure, materialistic, but if i had kids, no awesome jeep for kenna)  if studly and i want to go out, we go out.  if we want to go out the next night, we go out.  no babysitters, no diapers, no getting up in the middle of the night.  we sleep in on saturday's, we go on trips, we have responsibilities but not of the, you know, child kind.

unless you count the bird and bunny.  but they have cages.  don't worry, when i finally get a baby i'll get a cage for them too.

doesn't mean i don't want that (actually my 12 days with kate cured my insomnia, for those 12 days).  i would give up everything i have and more to gain what we desire, but, i realize there is a life to live regardless.

we have family who loves us, supports us.  we have friends who take care of us, and let us love their kids like our own.  ownership is not a prerequisite for love.  

studly is applying to pharmacy school.  i work and continue to hone in my awful writing skills, and my awful photography skills, and slowly forget everything i learned in college.

we are living our lives.  we are blessed.  we KNOW it.  

however, (i've used that word like three times.  too lazy to get the thesaurus)   right now, i'm struggling with the pain associated with the experienced we've been dealt.  i'm negative and of course, we all have a right to these feelings.  if i don't go through this phase, all the pain will come back up to bite in my bruised butt.

sure, we don't feel complete right now.  yes, this is because we don't have a child, but we know there is still, like i said, a life to live! but it's also largely because of the huge losses that we have experienced.  we feel incomplete because the children we wanted so deeply were taken from us.

plus, i KNOW there are so many out there who feel they need to hide their negative emotion towards their circumstances because i mean, you can always, 'buck up' and 'be stronger.'  

sigh, sometimes you can't be stronger.  sometimes you whisper to yourself what i do, what i have up at the top of my blog.  'courage doesn't always roar.'  

sometimes it cries.  sometimes it's negative.  sometimes it's strong and straight forward.  sometimes it's quiet and goes unnoticed.

blarg, point being, i'm doing my best.  

i am fully aware i lean towards the negative side.

but tell me this, don't you think you'd feel it too?


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31 comments:

Alli said...

Me gusta. Oh, I had a good time tonight. Wish we could do it every night.

Holly & Kasey said...

I've said it once and I'll say it a thousand times over that you are super-woman! You have gone through and continue to go through so much yet you are still able to count you blessings- when anyone else faced with your challenges probably wouldn't.

AJ said...

You are allowed to be negative! This post totally describes how I feel daily, although I haven't gone through half of what you've gone through.

Remember how we talked about being asleep and missing the first pick of what trials we wanted in heaven? I think of that everyday. I also think about how people think that we are amazing (you more than me!). They think we are amazing because they don't know how they would deal with our trials.

I don't think we handle them any better than anyone else but if they want to think we are amazing then bring on those trials (ummm...maybe not ALL of them...lol).

Love you!

dust and kam said...

You. are. amazing. Kenna.

Sometimes life sucks. And it sucks bad. I still think you are one of the most amazing people I know. For reals.

xoxo

exclusive_remedy said...

I totally think you have a right to be negative. I like to see your positive posts as well - but I totally believe that at this time in your life you have every right to be negative. Things will get better for you and at that time you will be positive again. *hugs*

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal said...

I don't like it when people say dismissive comments.

The Savior didn't tell Mary & Martha "Yeah, Lazarus is dead, but think of all the rainbows and butterflies in your life and you'll be ok." He wept with them.

He knew Lazarus would be alive again soon. And even then He wept with them.

It's ok to talk about your sorrows and ups and downs. There are lots of us who won't dismiss your pain.

Josh and Kandice said...

You and I must be on the same page. I always try hide my feelings, especially on my blog, but last night I finally let SOME of what I'm feeling out. And it felt good even though I could hardly see what I was typing through the tears. I love that you're totally honest. We seriously need to get together and take pictures and cry together.
And "I would trade my best day without kids for anyone's worst day with them" is exactly how my Josh and I feel. I haven't roared yet but I may have a little growl in me. Thank you.
Love you girlie!

Brenley said...

I am sorry that you have gone through so much! And you wouldn't be human if you could dismiss all of that and pretend like everything is ok.
About a year ago I became really depressed as we were starting to go through the adoption process and my cousin basically told me off saying that I needed to stop complaining or I would lose all of my friends. She did this instead of doing what my real friends did and ask what was wrong and what they could do to help or say they were sorry and do something kind for me to help me be happy. I was very hurt by it and still am when I think about it.
I am greatful for those people who love and support me and I hope that you have a whole team of them there to back you up!

Melissa E Photography said...

"don't worry, when i finally get a baby i'll get a cage for them too."

hahaha! Oh, how I love me some Kenna.

I think you are handling things as gracefully as possible. And writing about your journey and being HONEST takes heaps of courage. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have the cajones to post a dang thing. I would just weep into a miserable little puddle of misery.

Jessica GaleForce said...

I love you Kenna! You say everything that I've ever felt about the whole barren situation, granted I've don't have the exact same situation, but the feelings involved are still the same. The hurt, the loneliness, the sadness, the extreme ache that never seems to fully go away. Almost like it waits at your finger tips to roar its might head at you at the most inopportune times.

Your lucky with regards to your work situation. The office, yep that's right Dr. G's office, couldn't handle my negativeness in regards to my barren situation. They expected me to be happy and cheerful and to of course "not bring it to work". "Think of work as a way to get away from your problems at home." How pleasant right?! Yeah thats right love put on a happy face when you are literally dying inside. Put on a happy face, when the girl sitting right next to you tells everyone she's pregnant and then for the next 8 months she seems to complain about it. Put on a happy face. Finally they had to "let me go" because of it. They said it was for another reason, but I had a HUGE hinting impression that they had been looking to get rid of me for sometime, waiting and watching for some mistake that was adequate enough to take action against me. /Sigh, such is life I
suppose.

People aren't very kind when it comes to things they don't understand. They have no idea how this feels. They pretend they do, but really sometimes I feel like they need to butt out. They don't understand there is a time period for each thing that happens that we need to work out on our own. Obviously we don't want to drown in the negative, but it takes time to reconciliate ourselves the good and the bad; or the positive and negative if you will. When those two feelings finally duke it out in round 9, /ding, then are we able to finally come to some type of permanence of peace. Still the ugly negativity monster can again rear its horrid head, but to a much lesser degree.

I truly love you Kenna dear. I have found much strength in you and all that you do and write. You may feel that you are negative, I don't see it that way, I see a courageous young woman who has trials, who gets down on life sometimes, but who has become a strong beacon of light to others who are dealing with similar issues.

I knew and I know that my life is blessed. I know you and studly are blessed as well. Remember you're better than you think you are Lovely!

Ashley said...

Funny. I made a comment to my caseworker when we did our homestudy about keeping my kid in a cage. Good to know it's not just me.

What makes me crazy is people telling you to buck up when you're mourning the loss of two children. Not "maybes" or even pregnancies which are horrible enough to lose anyways, but two living breathing babies who you loved as deeply as any expectant mother loves their child.

And they're gone.

And I want to bitch slap anyone who tells you to be more positive because nobody, NOBODY would walk up to a mother whose newborn died three weeks after the fact or, in your case, ONE WEEK after losing their child and tell them to 'buck up' or 'look at the bright side.'

It is the SAME THING.

Yeah, people can argue the whole crap line of "they were never yours to begin with" but my response to that is "try telling my heart that. Felt all the same to my heart."

Ick, gross and EW to people who lack such huge amounts of compassion. Know what those people are called? Sociopaths.

Kenna, I've talked to you during your harder times. Never once have you said "I hate my life." You have honestly said, "This hurts so badly" and "I wish the pain would just go away and give me some peace." Wishing for relief isn't a crime. It's normal and you're deserving of it.

I've heard it said that to lose a child through a failed adoption is worse than losing a child to death because there's no closure or finality. When a child dies, you have a funeral and you don't have to worry about if they're happy, cared for or loved. You know they're okay, especially if you have a testimony, which I know you do, of Eternal Families. But you don't have that. Your faith that things will eventually work out when the time is right is amazing to me.

I love you. I love how hard you're trying and I love how even though things look bad you haven't given up. I know you want to but you haven't.

Don't let someone sporting a 5lb weight in life condemn you for sweating while trying to lift you two ton weights. They can effing suck it.

Ashley said...

Okay, circling around for more. This pisses me off.

When something happens to a friend, people tend to forget how hard it is to have to LIVE in it. Yeah, it may seem like they've been going on forever about how hard it is but the reality is that when it's not you going through it, you're given the luxury of walking away and being distracted by other things.

Especially when that something leaves a void.

People tend to be less understanding of pain and loss when they don't have to LOOK at it. A friend of mine died last year and it left a void where he used to be. Those who didn't know him didn't understand why I was still sad a month later. One month. Wouldn't you be sad to know that after a month of being gone, people thought that your friends and family should be 'over' you?

Yeah.

Kenna, it's been one month. Honestly, I don't understand why anyone should think that you should be 'okay' by now. Especially with the stupid shots. Curse them. CURSE THEM!!

Okay. I think I'm done now.

kate said...

I know if I had lived through all you have, I would probably have dug my own grave. That you can still count your blessings is so big. You are strong beyond what you should have to be and I love reading your words - negative or not. At least they are real and real is so powerful.

mrs. r said...

love this post.

serenity said...

You don't have to FEEL strong to BE strong.

Strength, some days, is about putting one foot in front of the other.

You are an amazing woman, and stronger than you give yourself credit for, Kenna.

xoxo

stephanie said...

you know I didn't have a blog or facebook when I was going through all of the hard times. I can imagine how negative my posts would have been if I had.. for I was very negative about my situation.I was very frustrated, angry and depressed and damn jealous of all the people around me that life seemed to go just as they planned. So in other words, NO judgements here. Post away. writing is very therapeutic!

Trent and Janel Lyman said...

damn right I'd feel it too! You are going through some seriously shizzy times right now, really shizzy. Oh, and just for the record, I love how you write, I think you've got quite the talent, and those pictures you take, also awesome. So blessed to be your friend!

Erin said...

Yes. I would. Keep up your writing. Photography. And your mini zoo. Again, you and Josh are amazing at building a rock solid, beautiful marriage trial after trial. Wow.

(I laughed out loud when you said you'd keep your baby in a cage. And guess what . . . my first "crib" was actually a bunny cage. Weird, huh?)

Michelle said...

I don't find your posts as being negative, I find them be honest, and quite frankly, downright refreshing. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us--the good, the bad, and the ugly. That takes guts to do, and I applaud you for it.

Besides, I'd much rather read blogs that dare to include the tough things in life, instead of the ridiculous "Look at me try to make myself look better than you by portraying my normal life to be a perfect fairy tale" blogs. Thank you for being real :) xoxo

Ashley said...

As someone in a similar, yet not so tragic situtaiton (medical crap infertility crap) I feel for you. I have found in my situation that I have to let myself grieve when I need to. No good comes from lying to yourself and to others. How can we heal if we are not sure what exactly we are healing from? Sometimes sharing the negative allows us to feel less negative and find that we are not alone. You are not alone.
I have been married for 3 1/2 years and wanting a baby for most of it. My daily question is when is it my turn? Then this summer I had a stroke like epsiode and now I am getting tested and poked to see if it's MS or some sort of vascular issue (family hsitory.) I am not having to deal with the hormanal problems plaguing you or the acute pain of failed adoptions and loss of a child. You are stronger than you think. Many in your situtation would not know how to begin to deal with it. So take your time heal as you need. Know that you are not alone and we help each other by being who we are and sharing our problems.
Thank you for sharing yours. Many prayers and love your direction.

Holly said...

I think you're awesome. I love that you're negative ...because sometimes it just feels good to let those feels out. Not to mention, it is a natural emotion...it makes you more human. (Unlike a lot of these sticky-sweet-my-life-is-perfect-my-kids-are-perfect-my-husband is perfect-my-dog-is-perfect-I'm-perfect blogs)

You've had A LOT to deal with over the last little while. Anytime you want to be negative - be negative! The people who can't deal with it can go suck an egg!

I wish we loved closer we, could go out and have "Suck-It World" ice cream dates...those are awesome.

Krista said...

I liked this. I just read this post:
http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/?p=3340#more-3340
that has several compelling points about gratitude, which you beautifully discussed in this post. I would have liked to hear Wendy Ulrich's presentation about happiness, which includes the suggestion "Don't try to be happy." I think this is a great idea, because when we try to force ourselves to be happy, we feel 1) inauthentic and 2) guilty when we fail to be happy, just to name a few outcomes. I like the idea of choosing to be grateful and letting happiness in our blessings follow. You're the best and are in my thoughts continually.

The Wendler Family said...

Pretty sure that's not how I see it. Pretty sure I see you as being positive; that your "being negative" is way less negative than I would be able to give if we traded shoes.
I love to read your writing and I love you.

Ron and Jessica said...

Sometimes life truly does blow. We haven't been thru anything like you have, but we know all about that pituitary crap. Haven't written about it since it's so rare, but maybe someday soon.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, but I stalk your blog occasionally because I stalk my best friend's little sisters blog. I think that all you have been through is heartbreaking and you have all the right in the world to have negative days. I stalk your blog praying that you have finally been blessed with a child. There is nothing worse than longing for a child. I am one of those aweful people that you hate that conceived both my children on the first try - and I am sorry for that. I cringe when I think of so many people out there that have children that they did not want and do not treat well and it makes is worse knowing that there is someone like you that wants one more than anything. I will continue to pray for you and stalk your blog occasionally to see if you get there.
Kim in New York

DeAnna said...

Negative or not, you have been through a lot more than I think most of us combined. :) Hang in there. I appreciate the support you have given me. Let me know if I can do the same. The only way I have been able to cope is by distraction. I have made myself so busy that I don't have to think about it as much. Honestly it has really helped. I cry with you...Love

The Dahle's said...

I love this post so much. Every single word. You are my hero. I agree that most people hide their negative emotions. Shamefully I admit I am one of them. I think it takes so much more courage to be able to totally embrace your negative feelings and to VOICE them to the public as well. I really wish I had your courage. I am a positive person but I am a positive person that hides and doesn't even talk about my negative feelings. That's why you are a better and stronger person than me. I heart you to freakin pieces.

Kenna said...

Kim in New York,

I just had to say that you are not the woman that I hate. Nor are you awful. I would never wish this on anyone. I'm truly happy your littles came without the pain of infertility.

Truly I mean that with all my heart.

Ashley said...

Kim in N.Y.:

People who have a hard time getting pregnant don't hate people like you. We resent those who get pregnant their second try, whine about how hard it was to wait a month and pretend they know what it feels like to take four pregnancy tests each month for four years and still come up empty handed.

Infertile people don't hate fertile people. We hate that there are those who don't think about the fact that we're out here and we're hurting. We hate when people complain about their pregnancies. We hate when people whine about being 'pregnant AGAIN' when we'd give our right hands and several of our toes to be in their shoes.

We do NOT hate people whose eyes light up when they talk about how blessed they are to be parents. We do not hate people who cherish the gift they've been given because they know how precious it is. We do not hate people who lean forward and take our hand when we're crying and say, "I'm so sorry you're hurting."

As someone who is very impatient with people, I promise

nobody hates women like you.

We love women like you and thank you for your compassion.

Kenna, I swear I'll stop commenting.

Like now...

NOW!....

Megan Marie said...

I loved reading about your blessings. Thank you for sharing. :)

Gillian Mohlman said...

I love your blog Kenna. I often write sad things on my blog too, and get many rude comments from people being insensitive or telling me I am negative. But life IS hard and we should be able to share those things with others. There is no sense in hiding behind things and pretending like everything is PERFECT like some people do on their blogs. I like your blog because it reminds us that we are human. And I don't think you can always "choose to be happy". I have depression and I once had someone tell me that depression is a choice. That I choose to be depressed. K, sorry person, but I didn't choose my trials and the things I have gone through or choose to be depressed. I can choose to work through them and to be happy about them, but really, who can be happy ALL The time when things are always so hard? It's all about being who you are and yes, keeping faith and relying on the lord, but I think people don't realize that it's ok to be down once in a while. I like your blog Kenna, and I am sorry for everything you have gone through. You are a strong woman and I look up to you SO much!!

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