Wednesday, January 19, 2011

...harley...installment five...

i'm not going to lie, the weeks we spent in texas were hard.

after the first initial day, we set up a routine.  studly and i would arrive at sadie's home in the morning so harley could adapt to our presence.  as the days continued, we would take him on small outings and be his primary care takers while sadie was at work or school.  then, after the first week, we would have placement and then we'd take harley to where we were staying so we could adapt to night time.  we couldn't go home straight away because there are lots of papers that need to be signed, sealed and delivered for legal clearance out of texas.  i already hate airports, i wasn't about to be arrested in one for leaving too early.

plus texas weather is divine.

like i've said, harley and studly's bond was instant.  i was having issues with bonding, i wouldn't hold harley, wouldn't really involve myself with his every day needs.  i let studly take the lead since harley was comfortable with him.  since sadie hadn't signed, i was still stressed to my max and in constant fear of another failed placement.  i didn't want to get close to the little man for fear i'd have to leave him.  please, don't get me wrong, i've loved him since the day i laid eyes on him, but after 2 horrid experiences my brain won out over my heart, and i backed away.  i'm a blessed woman to have studly.  he is an excellent father, has been from day one.  he also understood my fears and inabilities at the time, so he wasn't resentful of having to take on almost 100% of the parental duties.  

i realize this makes me sound like a grade crap mom from the start, but please understand how much our past experiences influenced me.  they told me it was was post traumatic stress, and it was to be expected.  i, of course, figured i should be able to, 'just get over it' as i had a sweet little boy at my feet.  i wish it was that easy.  it was hard and draining to push myself to bond with harley.  i figured if he could adapt to me being around, the rest would fall into place gradually when we came home.

after what seemed like 17 years (try 7 days) placement was scheduled.  december 10, 2010.

i've always heard placement was this super emotional, crazy experience.  i've heard good things, i've heard bad things, and since i've never really been able to follow through with one i had no clue what to expect.

sadie's case worker came to her house, we sat in a circle with tv trays, and the dictation of what sadie would be signing began.

the strength sadie showed, the way she signed the papers without hesitation, and with intent to give her son what she knew was best, well, it still makes me choke up.  it was simple.  it was done quickly.  then to our papers.  same thing, read aloud, we agreed, signed, notarized, el fin.

our papers were handed to us.

sadie's papers were handed to her.

(insert huge sigh here)

we folded up the trays, and sadie went to work.

no big hurrah's.  no pictures.  just the solid knowledge that what just happened, what we had all done there that day, was the right thing.  the best thing.  

that night, as we took harley back to where we were staying, i silently cried as i held his little hand in mine.  i was breathing normally for the first time in over 8 months.  it was done.  not to be broken.  this was our son, and he would be coming home with us...





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13 comments:

Kristin said...

:) I can't get enough of this! :)

disabilitydiva said...

Beautiful!! guarding your heart and then letting it melt. Sweet!

Jess said...

McKenna, you truly have a gift with words, I don't think you realize JUST how much! First of all I want you to know that you ARE NOT a grade crap Mom. I believe it was my sister that told me about this lady (I'm pretty sure it was my sister cause I think she was doing her taxes) who lost like three or four babies, some due to miscarriage but at least two of them died before they were 6 months old. She has I think like 4 kids that lived longer, but she never bonded with them until after they were 6 months. She said she just couldn't handle getting really close to them just to lose them. You do what you need to to survive, you have forever to bond with Harley and bond you will! McKenna, I love you so much!! The other day you asked what we thought a family was, a family is a circle of people who love each other unconditionally. It does NOT matter if they are blood related or not. We're all family spiritually! You have such a beautiful family Kenna, and I'm so grateful that you are willing to share your story! Thank you so much for taking us along on your journey, I am so happy for you, Josh and Harley!

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal said...

No one could fault you for that. You're doing great!

stephanie said...

A person can only take so much. I understand why you didn't try to bond at first. WHen we had the 8 failed adoptions before we got Trey, I experienced major panic attacks even though Trey's situation seemed perfect. By the time we knew about Trey his birth parents rights were already up. They had signed 30 days before. BUt it didn't stop me from thinking of every reason why we shouldn't go through with it. I knew I couldn't handle another failed adoption so it was almost easier to just quit. Your posts are bringing back all the fear and anxiety we experienced with our adoptions. And also bringing back the feeling of pure joy when things are working. You should write a book. Or a bunch of us should write a book on adoption our stories. Think how much your story is helping others.

Lynne said...

We have the same car seat :) More, please. And thank you.

The Wendler Family said...

**tears**

The Dahle's said...

aww this made me cry. I love your harley installments. love anything you write you are such an amazing writer. love you.

Jessica GaleForce said...

I like what Jessica said! And I concur with it! I give it my stamp and say HuzzaH!!

<3

Rachel said...

So beautiful!!

Julie said...

Wow.

I want to hear more, more, more!

Shannon said...

I second the wow.

Paul & Amy said...

I seriously have goosebumps. I love your writing style and I REALLY love your story. SO happy for you and SO grateful for adoption.

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