Tuesday, January 18, 2011

...harley...installment two...

hey sweet sadie,

first off, have to say that we admire your bravery.  realizing that there could possibly be more for your sweet little boy than you can provide takes a lot of strength. 

your paragraph about seeing my picture has me in tears.  we appreciate you being blunt!  we need that!  adoption is a guessing game most of the time, but when a birth mother is straight forward, it's easier on everyone. 

open adoption is a huge yes.  it's what we've always wanted for our adopted child.  we feel very strongly about any child (or Harley) knowing his birth parents, knowing you love him so much that you are giving him more than what you currently can offer.  he will know, Sadie, he will know.  we will never cease to express to him the love his birth parents have for him.  you can come visit.  that's not an issue at all.  we would love that.  i'm not just saying that as lip service either.  we mean it.
not all of the email, but you get the picture.

'good enough studly?!'

'no, really.'

'read it again.'


have i ever mentioned studly married a whole lot of crazy?

well, he did.

i pushed the 'send' button then puked.  okay, i didn't puke, but i felt like i was going to.  then, i sat at the computer pressing refresh for a good five minutes.  i know it was ridiculous, but cut me a little slack, eh?  we've already established i have issues.  

luckily sadie is awesome at emailing, so we didn't have to wait long.  this is muy bueno, of course, because when you are waiting to hear from a potential birth mother you are basically walking around in circles, holding your breath and clicking 'refresh' every 27 seconds.  oh, and taking a xanax or two. 

we told no one, naturally.  well, our parents, but the ball stopped there.  we couldn't imagine having to tell yet ANOTHER reversal story.  our lips were sealed.  if this happened, it was going to be a huge surprise for everyone, and if it didn't, well, we didn't have to back track to anyone.  public sadness and disappointment is as awful as it gets.  luckily this was understood by most.  

the emails continued for a month.  lots of getting to know each other, getting information about the birth father, talking about harley and what we both wanted for him.  it was a very humbling experience, talking with sadie about harley's future.  she is as tough as nails, but so tender and loving towards her little guy.  it's a combination that is fitting of a birth mother.  the more we emailed, we grew closer, and the possibility of an actual placement seemed to come up over the horizon.  

this is where i really start to freak out.  my past experiences tell me that it all blows up after this.  everything feels perfect, it's right, but then someone pulls the rug out from under us and we end up with more brain damage.  in my case, that's BAD, because i've sustained a lot already.  as much as i loved sadie, i couldn't believe it might actually happen.  sadie was on board, but we weren't sure about the birth father at all.  this is enough to make studly and i soil our pants.  you know our issues with birth fathers.  we didn't trust them as far as we could throw them, and i can't throw very far.  like, at all.  especially no 25 year old dude.  my instant reaction was i would rather kick him in the groin before i'd trust him.

after all the emails, sadie decided she would bring harley up to meet us over thanksgiving.  not only that, but the birth father (glenn) had agreed to meet us too, so meeting sadie, glenn and harley all at the same time.  

this time i totally puked.

i sat through thanksgiving dinner with only harley on my mind.  i went through all the scenarios, well, basically all the bad scenarios.  obviously my brain has issues with positivity, but we were prepared as much as we could be.  i mean, we've done this twice already.  the gifts were wrapped, my barf bag was tucked neatly under my shirt, we got in the car, buckled up, and took deep breaths. . .

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Kristin Call said...

AHHHHHH! Keep it coming! Waiting days is torture. I love this. :)

Alli said...

Glad you are writing again. I've missed it.

dust and kam said...

I remember that puke feeling.

Very well.

I love it and hate it all in the same breath.

So exciting, yet terrifying.

We really need to chat. irl, that is.

Jewls said...

Your story makes me sob....in a good way! I'm so happy for you guys, I'm glad that it FINALLY worked out!! And I just love Sadie, what an amazing person!

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal said...

I love this! (I threw up too, btw. But in my sink.) :)

I can't wait to hear more!

The Wendler Family said...

I'm falling in love with Sadie even more reading this adoption story. What an amazing woman!
Ok already, installment three, and four, all of them! This is the best story knowing the ending already! Usually its not like that, but I don't think I could handle another heart break for you and Josh either. I love happy endings!

Anonymous said...

A-MAZE-ING! Can't wait to read the rest, even though the waiting is killing me!

Niki Burt Michael said...

I cant wait a whole other day for your next post...Im sitting at the edge of my seat and sooo happy for you!! You deserve every bit of happiness!!! Harley is adorable and looks so much like you!!

Rachel said...


I've been looking at your blog for a while. My friend Laney told me about you. You are an awesome writer. I am so thrilled that you got little Harley. It gives me a lot of hope because my husband and I have suffered our own infertility and adoption battles...nothing compared to what you and Josh have suffered...but it's still so painful. I recently wrote a blog post, and I am wondering if you can read it and give me some advice. It sounds like you've been there, and not many people have.


If you are willing, you can leave a comment, or send me an email: rachel.nielson@hotmail.com. I'm just wondering how you endured it all.

Congratulations, Kenna. You really deserve little Harley! I know you will have a wonderful life together!

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