in my, what seems to be, never ending quest for trial and painful surgery, i am proud to announce that one of my life long dreams will be realized in the coming months.
i will no longer be, 'kenna.'
just call me, 'ken.'
mmk, that is just weird, and completely untrue, but i won't lie, it feels like my surgeon is going to scoop out my femininity with a melon baller. (how's THAT for your minds eye, eh?)
i've hit the end of the road when it comes to treatments for my endometriosis. we've done birth control, i've had a laparoscopic surgery, i've done lupron, i've done the depot shot...
holy mother, is it possible to fail so much? or rather, for medicine to fail, like, seven times in a row?
it seems that to feel like a normal kenna again, this is the best option.
a hysterectomy. (bolded for cinematic effect)
that's right, i'm totally divorcing my uterus.
preliminary paper work shows that uterus will be receiving half of my assets. one ovary & one fallopian tube. back in the day i wasn't too worried about getting uterus to sign a prenup, however, i'm completely regretting it now. bastard uterus is going to take me to the cleaners, and you know, i just have a feeling uterus won't raise left ovary the way i would like. good luck, left ovary, you are going to need it.
i admit this has been a very tender and embarrassing subject for me. what 26 year old divorces their uterus? well, i guess i've been abused for too long. our relationship is no longer loving, it's a terror. uterus has forced me to turn to copious amounts of coca cola and the occasional narcotic to drown out the pain. you go into a relationship thinking it will be forever, it will be beautiful, but uterus is a LIAR, and for that, it must end.
in all seriousness, this is pretty intense emotionally for me. i've had my moments of inconsolable tears, anger and frustration. i've felt cheated, betrayed, void of something i feel i have every right to posses. it's actually been years that the topic of a hysterectomy has been voiced in my life, but i wasn't ready. i was unwilling to let go of that 0.000179% chance that maybe, just maybe, i could become pregnant and experience all that i yearned to.
as time has passed, and as the pain and treatments have become more aggressive to offer me relief (and to no avail) i have come to realize that this is what's best for not only me, but for studly and boog and basically anyone else who has any type of contact with me.
i don't want to be a mother who, instead of thinking about what to feed the kiddo for lunch, is counting down the minutes until her next pain pill. i want to be a mom who can run around with my kid without having to stop because of (a) pain and (b) she is fat. (we are hoping this surgery will help get me feeling decent enough to stick to a diet/exercise plan. that or i'm gonna beg the surgeon to snip snip some fat outa my belly. PCOS has an evil symptom. weight gain around the belly. i mean, seriously folks, i could be a spare tire for my jeep, and if you've seen my jeep, and it's bit red neck tires, yeah, seriously.) i am sick of being the wife that is always feeling ill, in pain, and not well enough to take care of my house, my husband, and my child.
i want to feel GOOD. not just, 'making it' or, 'surviving.'
life is too short and it's time to do whatever i can to get back to the old kenna.
i'm scared, it's true, but i have full confidence in my doctor and his team.
i'm terrified of recovery (4-6 weeks! without picking up boog!) but i have amazing family and friends who are stepping up to the plate (again, seriously, third major surgery in five years) to help, comfort and take care of me. this is something i can handle...i think. (i keep telling myself nothing can suck more than brain surgery)
more than anything, i hope this opens a new chapter in my life. no more doctor appointments every month, no more shots in my behind, no more feeling out of control, in pain, and desperate for an answer.
and as for the sperm, well, i'm gonna call them, 'kamikaze sperm' from now on.