Thursday, March 3, 2011

...but where do the sperm go?...

in my, what seems to be, never ending quest for trial and painful surgery, i am proud to announce that one of my life long dreams will be realized in the coming months.

i will no longer be, 'kenna.'  

just call me, 'ken.'

the man.

mmk, that is just weird, and completely untrue, but i won't lie, it feels like my surgeon is going to scoop out my femininity with a melon baller.  (how's THAT for your minds eye, eh?)

i've hit the end of the road when it comes to treatments for my endometriosis.  we've done birth control, i've had a laparoscopic surgery, i've done lupron, i've done the depot shot...

holy mother, is it possible to fail so much?  or rather, for medicine to fail, like, seven times in a row?  

i digress...

it seems that to feel like a normal kenna again, this is the best option.  

a hysterectomy(bolded for cinematic effect) 

that's right, i'm totally divorcing my uterus.  

preliminary paper work shows that uterus will be receiving half of my assets.  one ovary & one fallopian tube.  back in the day i wasn't too worried about getting uterus to sign a prenup, however, i'm completely regretting it now.  bastard uterus is going to take me to the cleaners, and you know, i just have a feeling uterus won't raise left ovary the way i would like.  good luck, left ovary, you are going to need it.

i admit this has been a very tender and embarrassing subject for me.  what 26 year old divorces their uterus?  well, i guess i've been abused for too long. our relationship is no longer loving, it's a terror.  uterus has forced me to turn to copious amounts of coca cola and the occasional narcotic to drown out the pain.  you go into a relationship thinking it will be forever, it will be beautiful, but uterus is a LIAR, and for that, it must end.

in all seriousness, this is pretty intense emotionally for me.  i've had my moments of inconsolable tears, anger and frustration.  i've felt cheated, betrayed, void of something i feel i have every right to posses.  it's actually been years that the topic of a hysterectomy has been voiced in my life, but i wasn't ready.  i was unwilling to let go of that 0.000179% chance that maybe, just maybe, i could become pregnant and experience all that i yearned to.  

as time has passed, and as the pain and treatments have become more aggressive to offer me relief (and to no avail) i have come to realize that this is what's best for not only me, but for studly and boog and basically anyone else who has any type of contact with me. 

i don't want to be a mother who, instead of thinking about what to feed the kiddo for lunch, is counting down the minutes until her next pain pill.  i want to be a mom who can run around with my kid without having to stop because of (a) pain and (b) she is fat.  (we are hoping this surgery will help get me feeling decent enough to stick to a diet/exercise plan.  that or i'm gonna beg the surgeon to snip snip some fat outa my belly.  PCOS has an evil symptom.  weight gain around the belly.  i mean, seriously folks, i could be a spare tire for my jeep, and if you've seen my jeep, and it's bit red neck tires, yeah, seriously.)  i am sick of being the wife that is always feeling ill, in pain, and not well enough to take care of my house, my husband, and my child.  

i want to feel GOOD.  not just, 'making it' or, 'surviving.'

life is too short and it's time to do whatever i can to get back to the old kenna.  

i'm scared, it's true, but i have full confidence in my doctor and his team.  

i'm terrified of recovery (4-6 weeks!  without picking up boog!) but i have amazing family and friends who are stepping up to the plate (again, seriously, third major surgery in five years) to help, comfort and take care of me.  this is something i can handle...i think.  (i keep telling myself nothing can suck more than brain surgery)

more than anything, i hope this opens a new chapter in my life.  no more doctor appointments every month, no more shots in my behind, no more feeling out of control, in pain, and desperate for an answer.  


and as for the sperm, well, i'm gonna call them, 'kamikaze sperm' from now on.



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19 comments:

TIM&SHAN said...

Kenna.... not sure what to say other than that I am so sorry that you have to go through any of this.
I wish somehow I could change it for you.
I have a friend here that had breast cancer that was brought on by estrogen so she had to have a full mastectomy and hysterectomy at 26 years old. My heart aches for her as my heart aches for you.

Not that this even compares but when I lost my right tube it was devastating to me. I can only imagine how you must feel about all this.
Like you said though the only good thing about any of this is that you will feel good again. That I am happy for!!!

Your a rockstar Kenna and I look up to you for getting through all this alive!!!

Tressa said...

Haha kamikaze sperm! That gave me an awesome mental image Akenna... But hey, I love your stinkin guts!

Val'n'Ben said...

You've put up with this abuse for far too long. I suggested a protective order, but uterus didn't get the hint and never stayed more than 500 feet away from your residence and place of employment. Sometimes drastic times call for drastic measures.

Love you!

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

i can't find the right words. there probably isn't any that will make it all better.

let me know what i can do.

you deserve to not just survive but to live!

Nicole said...

I know I may say this as someone who has experienced pregnancy, and I hope it doesn't come out wrong...but the nine months of pregnancy does not a mother make. In fact it pales in comparison to the overall importance of what it takes to be a mother. I don't doubt you feel cheated (damn the straying eyes of uterus!) but as with all divorces..time will heal and boog will grow into a fine young man and uterus (or thoughts of it) will no longer even come begging for visitation rights. The sperm however, will always want visitation rights:)

kenna said...

Nicole : BEST COMMENT EVER.

sperm get visitations rights, i'm REELING!

Lynne said...

You ARE that sweet boy's mother no matter how he got to this earth. You were chosen and prepared for him and he for you. No uterus required. I love that you are together.

Kamikaze sperm...I love it. Hey, when a cause is worth fighting for, you do what you gotta do ;)

Ashley said...

I'm not a fan of uteruses or ovaries. I'm a vagatarian myself. Keeps things like this from happening.

Can we still have a mustache growing race?

Amy said...

Kamikaze sperm? Visitation rights? Vagatarian (that was gross btw Ashley - :))? OMG i may have just lizzed a little (do you watch 30Rock?) and I definitely hooted.

Babe (can I call you that? I feel like I can call you that), I feel your pain. I wasn't born with a uterus, but I had a hysterectomy (technically an ovarectomy I guess since it was my ovaries that were removed - both of them) when I was 17. It. sucks. My littlest sis had to have it done too. Recovery is a B but I am sure you will do great.

Here's to you feeling lots better real soon!

Amy said...

P.s. - can I steal the joseph campbell quote on your blog? i love it. and it is pretty.

AJ said...

I totally understand how you are feeling! There is light at the end of the tunnel and you will be able to be pain free, at least from the endometriosis.

I am crying right now thinking about my hysterectomy. You will get through it and you will feel better. Love you!

wheezer said...

Dear Kenna,
So much to go through in such a young life. You are a wonderful friend to Sadie, a great Mom to Harley and one half of one of the most unified marriages I've ever seen. You going to be just fine. It's a beginning, not an end. I went through the same, and even if you have 1 or 7 kids the loss is still felt. You are strong and beautiful. I have always thought that about you. I haven't seen anything to change my mind about that. You, Josh, and Harley are always in our prayers. Love ya lots, Melanie

Cari said...

I am just a distant follower of your blog, but I must say that I truly admire you. I just went thru my second laproscopy (I can't even spell it) and it stinks, how do you do it?

Good luck to you and your darling family. PS-love your hair cut, mine is the same =)
Best wishes, xoxo
Cari

T Mom said...

If there were such a thing as a uterine transplant, I'd gladly give you mine. These comments are hilarious! I hope I get to meet these folks at the "going away party".

ShannonH said...

Just wanted to send on encouragement. It's a surgery that really does make life more livable instead of survivable (had to be convinced by hubby and friends to take that plunge but came out on top at 27). Best of luck!

Holly said...

Kenna,
I admire your strength to face such an unpleasant thing with a sense of humor. You had me rolling on the floor laughing. As one who also most likely faces the dreaded H word...you've shown me a good way to face the trial.

I vote for a divorce party...or a "good riddance" party once you're all better. I don't live close, but I'll send cookies shaped like kamikaze sperm. :)

P.S. Don't you wish you could divorce PCOS...it sucks. Bad. I hate it. Maybe we could talk ours into leaving together??!?

Betty said...

I had to have a total hysterectomy (uterus, ovaries, tubes, cervix) 3 years ago for endometrial cancer. Recovery was so much easier due to the information and support I got from www.hystersisters.com. Great for all those little things the Doc forgets to tell you or never knew in the first place.

Ashley said...

I totally had a hysterectomy 4 months ago and I feel great. I wish the same to you! Good luck and happy healing!

Jamie said...

I hope the best for you during this time. I am sorry because, yes, this was a funny post (I laughed out loud more than once) but I know this is very emotional for you, as you said. And I wish that I could be one of those people stepping up to the plate, taking on some of the responsibility during your recovery time. Good luck with everything and keep me posted. Pinch the Boog's cheeks for me, mmmmkay?

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