Thursday, April 21, 2011

...the post where i mention my own bowel movements...

warning : pictures of body organs accompany this post

it's been a long week my peeps. no lie.  for some reason i thought i could weather getting my lady parts flambe-ed.

not the story.

my skin is painful to the touch.  feels like a blow torch is going off in my abdomen.  basically the surgeon used the creme brulee method to remove my uterus and ovary.  medical science these days...amazing.  advances every day.

my anesthesiologists name is, 'dr. blood.'  um, scared the hell out of me at first.  now i'm not superstitious, but i am a little stitious.  then after chatting it up with the man, i forgave him for having such an unfortunate name for the medical community.  we had a great time as he wheeled me into the or.  in fact, turns out i'm named after his most favorite movie character of all time, 'elise mckenna' from, 'somewhere in time.'  i am glad we became such good friends before he started shooting me up with all sorts of awesome drugs.  

however, there is a large chance he thinks less of me because as soon as they put the, 'just relax' drug into my iv, i freaked.  like, started bawling, told everyone in the or that i have a son that needs me and i need him and if they killed me i would haunt them.  my sweet nurse, stephanie (who also took the most awesome pictures of my lady parts once removed) held my hand (mmk, so i like, you know, squeezed the hell out of it) until i was fast asleep.  

this is the part where they cut me open, make fun of my insides, and remove my uterus and ovary, as well as large spider webs of scar tissue that had made its home er, basically everywhere.  even on my poor bladder.  i think this is where the blow torch came in.  i'm thinking scarface.  'SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!'

(insert lots of obscenities and rapid tommy gun fire and whatnot)

this is the part where i confess my love to dr. blood for keeping me asleep during this tragic moment in my life.  i love you dr. blood.  i love you.

when dr. blood attempted to revive me after the surgery had been preformed, well, it went something like this:

dr. blood...mckenna, mckenna can you open your eyes?

me..............................

dr. blood...mckenna, can you please open your eyes for me?  surgery is over.  you did great.

me..............................(still ignoring him.  hell, i didn't want to wake up from this...and i did great? what the hell kind of compliment is that?)

dr. blood...mckenna you need to wake up.  josh is waiting for you.  can you open your eyes?

me...............................pain.

dr. blood...don't worry, we are getting your morphine pump set up.  

me...............................pain.  josh.  pain.  

dr. blood...(talking to nurse) push so many mgs of yada yada to see if that helps her pain.

dr. blood...mckenna what's your pain level?  

me................................(my comedic memories come in) eight!

me................................pain!

nurse (who has now taken over because i'm sure dr. blood is sick of me at this point)...we are wheeling you to see your husband.

me...............................no, i don't need my husband.  i need drugs.  PAIN.

nurse...i know you are in pain sweetie, hang on.

me...............................BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG (me screaming because, you know, how many times do i have to say 'pain' before the figure out that i am, indeed, in horrific pain)

nurse...let me find you another nurse.

me...............................a nurse who believes in pain management please.

okay, so i wasn't aware enough to say that last part.  basically all i said was, 'josh...pain...pain...(scream)...(crying)...pain...ouch...morphine?...

to be honest, don't remember much of that day.  basically it was a fight to get my pain under control.  i do remember my family coming by with boog, and all i wanted to do was hold him, but i couldn't.  being in pain, not being able to love on your most adorable kid, realizing that your uterus is no longer in your body...

(insert more gnashing of teeth.  this is where i turned into a banshee)

fam didn't stay long, and boog wasn't digging the hospital scene.  i needed to sleep anyway.  or, rather, i wanted to sleep, but that did NOT happen.

enter trent and janel, my besties for life.  you see, trent is an rn, and knows what's up.  he also knows that i'm a huge pansy when it comes to pain and the best way to get me to shut the hell up is to push whatever it takes to make the pain ease up.  he worked with my nurse, jody (whom i love and will be sending a card and gift for putting up with me) and they finally, and i mean FINALLY figured out a cocktail that eased the pain and allowed me to sleep.  (this was around 3 am that i was comfortable enough to stop crying).  janel had to hold my hand, help me roll over to get a shot in the buttocks, and you know, listen to my insistent bawling.  she's a saint.  

a drugged kenna is a happy kenna.  we all know this.  perhaps the medical staff should have read my blog prior to this procedure.  mental note for next time.  (although we seriously hope i'm banned from surgery for life now)


when i woke up around 8 am on my second day, the new nurse came in with a huge needle full of morphine.  is there a better way to wake up?!  i submit that there is not!  i was kept docile, which i appreciated as i had many visitors, including my new bestie evonne, who met me for the first time in the hospital.  that's how you know if you'd got a good friend, 'cause i looked like hammered shit. (name that movie) 

newsflash: hospitals are boring.  


pain management, eh?  goal NOT accomplished...at least in a timely manner.

so, naturally, i was stoked when dr. smith sent me on my way.  i was given strict orders to lay in bed, not pick up anything over 5lbs  (psh, first thing i did when boog came home was pick him up and smother him in kisses and squeezes), and cry out the crappy emotions that come with getting your uterus blow torched out ya body.  (love my doctor)  

so home i came.

i am most obviously medicated with some form of narcotic.

i missed the hospital bed.  one wrong turn of my body and i yelped like a puppy getting punted down a football field.

just as a public service announcement, i am glad to say i have had two bowel movements since i've been home.  (thank goodness for stool softener!)  tmi?  probably, but this was my biggest fear in coming home.  with all the morphine and percocet, i mean, that backs you up bad!  it's just how it is.  look it up. 


i mean, when they took my catheter out it took at least 15 minutes to pee.  the sweet nurse even turned the shower on to see if that would help.  let me tell you, it was not comfortable.  turns out there was mounds of scar tissue on my bladder and after they blow torched it off, you know, it left my bladder in a fix.  boo scar tissue.

mmk, so it's almost 4 in the am and i'm completely inebriated with percocet.  i have a feeling you have all gathered that since i just talked about my bowel movements.  yeah, love me some drugs.

i bet you all love me to have some drugs too. 

there is some silver lining throughout all this.  my doctor is awesome and let one of the surgical nurses take my camera in.  yes, they did take a picture of my uterus, cervix, and left ovary.  (i got to keep the right ovary in the divorce.)  wanna see?  WANNA SEE?!

(please lynne, don't puke mmk?


oh yeah, check that piece of organ out.  that is my bicournate, piece of crap, never done me any good uterus.  i wanted to flip it off in person, but the picture will have to do.  the left ovary, well, it looks like crap, doesn't it?  it was covered in scar tissue, full of cysts, and apparently a huge pain in my doctor's ass to get out.  honestly it's weird to look at.  hello bodily organs.  nice to meet you in person?  sorry that they are going to toss you into a fiery oven...(where you belong).  i did ask if i could keep them in a jar, but i was given a strict and stern, 'no.'  psh, they are mine, after all, right?

truth be told, i know this is for the best in the long run, i'm just not feeling it so much right now.  it's 4:11 am, and i'm awake, in pain, watching king of the hill, and counting down the minutes until my next full dose of percocet.  i will have an awesome battle scar.  the incision is a little over 7 inches, and it's gross, and i've already popped a few stitches.  go me.  i'd let ya'll see it, but that probably really would make you throw up, and i'd also like to retain my readership.  

also, when you get cut open, people are super nice to you!  thanks to everyone for dinners, for the great gifts to keep me entertained, for the cards, the treats, the words of comfort and strength.  i mean, friends smuggled in drinks, rolls, treats.  my sister kirsten brought me in a big gulp of sprite and some doughnuts!  an anonymous (tell me who you are!) lovely brought me some flowers and a great book with a divine note written in it.  janel brought me a 12 pack of ginger ale, which the nurse didn't dig, but deal with it sista!  even in my drugged state i realize i'm so lucky to have great family and friends.  hysterectomies are kind of a big deal.  a bigger deal than even i thought.  so the support has been need and appreciated.  

from my vonnie

my dresser is covered in get well cards.  awesome.

here is where i leave you.  my insides are feeling like they want to be on my outsides, which means i probably have another bm coming...or i just need to fart.  probably the latter.  

i'm sure i'll regret posting this later.

hope you all enjoyed.

in other news...
melt me.

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18 comments:

Ashley said...

Creme bru le huh? I had the jamba juice special. I didn't even get to see the twisted useless mess that left me. I wish I'd had some stool softener. Took me a week to ... suceed. Then of course, emptying myself for the two days before probably had something to do with that. Love on your boog, he's the best medicine that could possibly be available. I'm a teensy jealous you have one.

The VerNooy's said...

Awesome post Kenna!!! Love it! I hope you are beginning to feel awesome again!!!

AubreyMo said...

"i know this is for the best in the long run, i'm just not feeling it so much right now." I'd be concerned if you were okay with it. I can't imagine what you're going through but I'm here if you need to shout, cry, scream or vent to a somewhat stranger (hoping to meet you some day like Evonne did! Isn't she so sweet?!)

And "no-lift" rule be damned. Boog is too cute not to cuddle!

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

I am just really glad that I was there in person to witness some of your passing of gas...or what I like to call farts!

Kim said...

You are awesome!! Especially for posting pics of your internal organs. I never got to see pictures of my fallopian tubes when they were removed. I'm glad you are feeling the love from everyone. You deserve it!

Kristina P. said...

Any friend of Evonne is a friend of mine! And especially one who speaks so highly about.

I definitely blame Mario Lopez for your bowel situation. Hope you get better soon!

Leslie said...

You did not tell me your anesthesiologist's name was Dr. Blood. That would make me a little stitious as well. I am so glad that people are showering you with get well's and love. Can't wait for total healing so you can run around with Harley and love on him properly. Love you.

Talltiffany said...

You crack me up. The story is fantastic, and I am glad you decided to share. I do hope you are feeling better soon. It is no fun to be in so much pain. Seriously, Dr. Blood? That is hilarious.

Jerilee E. said...

well, I will be thanking Evonne for linking to your blog :). I have been wanting to see some good pictures of internal organs! I hope for a speedy recovery for you and some excellent painkillers until then!

Lynne said...

I looked twice, and I didn't even barf once! Hallelujah and amen.

ShannonH said...

Baby, you're the greatest! Missed any an all picts for my own so, thanks. Saved ya a lot of emailing me thinks! Congrats on roaring!

A said...

Okay, first off: Your little man in his carseat--TO CUTE! And the body organs- Holy Crap! I can honestly say I've never seen ovaries/uterus except in crappy textbook illustrations! So sorry about the surgery though. Hope you get feeling well soon. Thank you for the AWESOME post though!

A

-M- said...

Pooping after surgery really is a BIG deal!! Reading your account of waking up after surgery really makes me so sympathetic. I am so sorry for your pain, physical and otherwise.

I'm not gonna lie, pictures of your removed lady parts are pretty amazing. That ovary looks much larger than what I imagine an ovary should be (maybe its cause of the cyst?)... but I'm no doctor. Either way, so excited for your recovery and new life of LESS PAIN!

Love you girl!

Whitney said...

Thanks for the laugh friend. I really enjoy that you threatened to haunt your nurse. That part made me giggle out loud. I think you have a gift for being able laugh at the not-so-funny situations in life.

Brianne said...

Thanks for posting pics! Hope your recovery is going well and that the pain is going down! You are truly inspirational! Love you!

T-Mom said...

Steel Magnolias is the movie quote and I have to say I thought I was going to have to reprimand you when I read the title-but you pulled it off without being too disgusting.

.From Her. said...

How did I miss this?

Kenna!! So glad you are home. I'm so glad you are ALIVE!! I'm sorry that your uterus got evacuated. But I'm more sorry that it didn't work right in the first place.

DANG. IT.

BUUUUUTTT, I'm glad you are home. And alive!

Jamie said...

Well, you are a funny little gal when you are drugged up, aren't you? I know you are funny even when you aren't drugged up! Your post had me chuckling a few times. I know your experience was no cake walk, but I'm glad you kept your sense of humor through all this. Keep Studly and Boog close. They'll help you through. So glad you got so much love from people (cards, gifts, etc.) Hope recovery is going well for ya. :)

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