Sunday, May 1, 2011

...another NIAW comes to a close...

i wish every week could be, 'national infertility awareness week.'

well, maybe not. it's not like i need to be shoving it down everyone's throats every day. wait, i already do that! although i try to spoon feed it nicely, like my icu nurse did with my jell-o. there are moments i'm tender like that.

basically i'm grateful that there is at least a week dedicated to educating those who are and aren't struggling with infertility issues. i know i can always learn more just like someone who has never had these experiences can always learn more. everyone can always be more educated. whether it's about infertility, or you know, the mating habits of the kemp's ridley atlantic sea turtles or even minivans! (just saw on tv that it's minivan month. no, i will never own one, i like my jeep, so i guess i don't need want to be educated on that.)


i find it ironic that i have been healing from my hysterectomy during this week.  there has been a lot going through this drugged and soggy mind of mine.  well, i guess there is only one major thought, 'i'm sterile.'

meh, it's hard some moments, but then i try to remind myself of all the money i'm going to save since i don't have to buy tampons!  like, $17 a month!  right?!  thank you, gods of reproduction, for letting me put this money towards more important things...important things i just can't think of right now.  (i was going to say candy or good food or something, but it all sounded stupid)

the no period ever again is pretty awesome.

the menopause is not so awesome.

the grizzly, shark attack looking scar?  totally awesome.

i've found that i've taken on more of an, 'infertility advocate' role than an, 'adoption advocate.'  don't get me wrong, i go nuts about adoption and i do as much as i can, but i see the injustice that happens to so many individuals suffering with infertility that my black, icy heart melts and i want to do whatever i can to help them tell their story.  i want them to feel like they have a place to speak, even though infertility is so taboo.  i'm trying to help anyone i can, because i know what it's like.  (to an extent, i do realize all experiences are different)

perhaps i'm just rambling, but i'm making goals inside my head as i'm typing.  infertility plagues me still.  some days it takes me behind a dumpster, beats me, and leaves me for dead.  some days i can chase it away with my light saber.  it has caused rifts in friendships, in family.  it has hurt my confidence, my feelings of belonging to society, my religion, etc.  it has caused physical other words...i'm chunky...or, as the common person would say, fat.  i am trying to come to terms with so many issues that it feels impossible and i fear i'll always have bitter feelings towards certain individuals, that i'll always be fat no matter how hard i work, that even though i have the boog i'll always feel out of place.

so, i want to change these things.

today, my sweet studly took me out and picked out five new shirts for me.  i always wear black because i feel too fat for anything else.  as i tried them all on and showed studly, he exclaimed how beautiful i looked in color!  that i had lost weight.  i am going to work on believing him.  have more confidence in myself.  i have a lot to offer, actually, and my weight and appearance have nothing to do with it.  thank you, studly, for helping me today.  i feel more confident already.

 crappy iphone pic, but seriously, studly didn't do bad at all.

sigh, forgiveness does not come easy from me.  it's a flaw, perhaps a fatal flaw, but i struggle.  especially when those who have hurt me honestly feel like they've done nothing wrong.  i know they will never change, but i know i can.  i can be better and let the pettiness of others wash away from my life, and forgive and forget those who have caused my heart serious pain.  this will probably take the most time.  there are a lot of other things included with forgiveness that i need to work on.  all i know is that i feel toxic at times, as the anger and hurt comes up from these experiences of pain.  if i want to lead the life i dream of, i can't have these feelings.

as far as, 'belonging' i realize the culture that accompanies my religion is basically, well, completely hypocritical.  still, that doesn't mean i don't feel ostracized because i can't have children, and stared at like some kind of freak show.  (although having no uterus makes me a kind of freak show in my own right)  it's common knowledge that mormons get married and have kids.  when something goes wrong in that string of events, you are kind of cast out until further notice.  i refuse to let this dictate how i feel anymore.  i kind of look at it as their loss.  i'm pretty awesome, hilarious, and a loyal friend.  if my lack of reproductive abilities causes someone to no want to know me, well, you win some you lose some.

i guess what i'm trying to say is i've been working on being better.  

infertility isn't who i am, it's a disease i deal with.  

same goes for you, all my stista's out there.  

we are so much more than our infertility, and there is so much we have to offer.

so it is written.  by me.  which means it's basically scripture.

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Anonymous said...

A friend of mine wrote blog posts all this week for NIAW. I don't know if you've already found her blog or not, but I thought you might like to read them.

Love you!

Anonymous said...

love the new header, baby feet are the cutest thing ever.

The Dahle's said...

Your post made me think a lot of my son Connor. It is his bone disease awareness week right now. I am thankful that their is a week for it. I want people to know more about it and be educated on it. Most people have no clue. I also thought a lot of him when you said It's not who you are it's a disease you deal with. That really made me think of him too. Thanks for this post. I needed it. love ya.

ShannonH said...

Good to hear you shout out. It takes bravery it takes to tell any story - especially the ones that hurt.

Steph said...

great post. I hate hearing about people in the church who don't act Christian. The gospel and the church culture (especially in certain locations, it seems) can sometimes be so different, sadly.

I'm happy for your little family, and send you good vibes for your continued recovery!

Anonymous said...

Personally, you are one of the best I know in our religion, because you are who you are and you do the best you can with no fake fronts. I do and always will love that about you. You are my fresh dose of reality and religion daily because you inspire me with your honesty and your desire to be better despite all you have been through. Love you Kenna. Love the girl across the street.

Kate said...

Living now in Utah, I get a glimpse of how much harder IF can be for LDS folks, and I thought Catholics pressured!
I know it's a struggle, and it's wonderful that you can help advocate for those who are suffering too much to speak out. Great post.

Kristin said...

kenna, you are amazing. watching the hurt heal in you is such an inspiring thing for me. and high five for studly! If there is one person who can make you see you the way we all see you, it's him. :) (hope that came out right...)

Love the new look, too :)

Anonymous said...

Maybe I am a complete idiot, but I like to believe that people try to be decent, for the most part. I just want to believe that people in the LDS religion and out, don't purposely TRY to hurt you. Can it be that they ignorantly say things that, because your heart is already hurting so intensely, wound you? We women have our feelings wrapped so closely around the idea of motherhood that any small attack, intentional or not, strikes us to our very core. I believe that motherhood, ANY aspect of it (that includes the lack of it) is hard, but we usually only understand the aspect we experience. Those that get pregnant easily, sometimes too easily, look at childlessness as a life of ease, while women who yearn for the experience of carrying a life cannot understand how difficult pregnancies, or an unplanned baby, could be hard.
I do not personally know you, so I cannot and will not say that others haven't intentionally hurt you, but my hope is that maybe, in years to come you will be able to say, this person was just ignorant of my pain, they didn't mean to be cruel. I want the world to be THAT place.

kenna said...

thank you for your comment. very thought provoking. you are right, i know many comments have been out of ignorance. i don't believe it's fair to expect anyone to know what my particular trial feels like, so it's impossible to expect everyone to know exactly what to say. even i don't know what to say most of the time.

however, there have been some who have hurt me maliciously, and that is why i say what i did. those who are close to me and my husband, and know so well of our situation, do things that purposefully wound our hearts.

i'm working towards that day when i can say that. even now some days i can say it.

lastly, i agree. i want to the world to be that place too.

Anonymous said...

That is hideous. I am so sorry. Maybe those people could make a career out of discusting behavior and harass the terminally ill, or tell jokes about dead babies in the NICU. I see no difference.

Jamie said...

Love reading your blog. "Basically scripture." Ha ha ha. :) Anyway, I've had some pretty hurtful experiences in my past, and the only way I've gotten to the point that I'm at now is by constantly praying that the Lord might soften my heart to be able to forgive people. Even if they don't care or seem sorry. Being angry can eat you up inside. So hopefully you can get over those hurdles and start to feel your burden lifted a bit. I also read some good books about forgiveness and anger, (I even took some classes in college) and they actually helped. If you're interested I could give you the deets. And I agree with what you IS their loss because you are awesome, funny, and a loyal friend just like you said. Psh.
Oh, and I love the new clothes. New clothes always help me feel better about myself. :)

The Millers said...

Hello! Thank you so much for your encouraging comment on my blog...a few weeks/month ago? Man, I suck! I do of course remember you from high school. I have loved reading your blog. It seems like you have been on quite the journey yourself. Congratulations on your adorable son. He is adorable! I love your honesty and openness about your feelings. Most of all I love your humor! I think we can all definitely learn from you. I will be checking back in!

Much love,

Layla said...

I look at it this way, if our ute's hadn't conspired against us then we never would have become friends. And that would have been a TRAVESTY, my friend.

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