i wish every week could be, 'national infertility awareness week.'
well, maybe not. it's not like i need to be shoving it down everyone's throats every day. wait, i already do that! although i try to spoon feed it nicely, like my icu nurse did with my jell-o. there are moments i'm tender like that.
basically i'm grateful that there is at least a week dedicated to educating those who are and aren't struggling with infertility issues. i know i can always learn more just like someone who has never had these experiences can always learn more. everyone can always be more educated. whether it's about infertility, or you know, the mating habits of the kemp's ridley atlantic sea turtles or even minivans! (just saw on tv that it's minivan month. no, i will never own one, i like my jeep, so i guess i don't
need want to be educated on that.)
i find it ironic that i have been healing from my hysterectomy during this week. there has been a lot going through this drugged and soggy mind of mine. well, i guess there is only one major thought, 'i'm sterile.'
meh, it's hard some moments, but then i try to remind myself of all the money i'm going to save since i don't have to buy tampons! like, $17 a month! right?! thank you, gods of reproduction, for letting me put this money towards more important things...important things i just can't think of right now. (i was going to say candy or good food or something, but it all sounded stupid)
the no period ever again is pretty awesome.
the menopause is not so awesome.
the grizzly, shark attack looking scar? totally awesome.
i've found that i've taken on more of an, 'infertility advocate' role than an, 'adoption advocate.' don't get me wrong, i go nuts about adoption and i do as much as i can, but i see the injustice that happens to so many individuals suffering with infertility that my black, icy heart melts and i want to do whatever i can to help them tell their story. i want them to feel like they have a place to speak, even though infertility is so taboo. i'm trying to help anyone i can, because i know what it's like. (to an extent, i do realize all experiences are different)
perhaps i'm just rambling, but i'm making goals inside my head as i'm typing. infertility plagues me still. some days it takes me behind a dumpster, beats me, and leaves me for dead. some days i can chase it away with my light saber. it has caused rifts in friendships, in family. it has hurt my confidence, my feelings of belonging to society, my religion, etc. it has caused physical altercations...in other words...i'm chunky...or, as the common person would say, fat. i am trying to come to terms with so many issues that it feels impossible and i fear i'll always have bitter feelings towards certain individuals, that i'll always be fat no matter how hard i work, that even though i have the boog i'll always feel out of place.
so, i want to change these things.
today, my sweet studly took me out and picked out five new shirts for me. i always wear black because i feel too fat for anything else. as i tried them all on and showed studly, he exclaimed how beautiful i looked in color! that i had lost weight. i am going to work on believing him. have more confidence in myself. i have a lot to offer, actually, and my weight and appearance have nothing to do with it. thank you, studly, for helping me today. i feel more confident already.
crappy iphone pic, but seriously, studly didn't do bad at all.
sigh, forgiveness does not come easy from me. it's a flaw, perhaps a fatal flaw, but i struggle. especially when those who have hurt me honestly feel like they've done nothing wrong. i know they will never change, but i know i can. i can be better and let the pettiness of others wash away from my life, and forgive and forget those who have caused my heart serious pain. this will probably take the most time. there are a lot of other things included with forgiveness that i need to work on. all i know is that i feel toxic at times, as the anger and hurt comes up from these experiences of pain. if i want to lead the life i dream of, i can't have these feelings.
as far as, 'belonging' i realize the culture that accompanies my religion is basically, well, completely hypocritical. still, that doesn't mean i don't feel ostracized because i can't have children, and stared at like some kind of freak show. (although having no uterus makes me a kind of freak show in my own right) it's common knowledge that mormons get married and have kids. when something goes wrong in that string of events, you are kind of cast out until further notice. i refuse to let this dictate how i feel anymore. i kind of look at it as their loss. i'm pretty awesome, hilarious, and a loyal friend. if my lack of reproductive abilities causes someone to no want to know me, well, you win some you lose some.
i guess what i'm trying to say is i've been working on being better.
infertility isn't who i am, it's a disease i deal with.
same goes for you, all my stista's out there.
we are so much more than our infertility, and there is so much we have to offer.
so it is written. by me. which means it's basically scripture.