it's only natural that i read birth stories (often) on friend's blogs.
it doesn't bother me, and it's my choice to read them. sometimes i make it a few lines, sometimes i read the whole thing, sometimes i close the page as soon as i open it. depends on my mood, honestly. however, i am happy for those that i love, and happy that they are able to experience such a gift.
as i was reading a particular birth story, the hidden wounds from years of infertility and loss surfaced and i found myself crying over the lappy. it was the title in particular that hit me. 'to birth a soul.'
quickly, i am in no way saying there is anything wrong with the post my dear friend wrote. her feelings are validated, expected, and beautiful. i love her deeply, and am very relieved and happy that things went well with the birth of her little guy. i love you, T.
the realization that i will never, 'birth a soul' is a jagged little pill, and obviously hard to swallow. i do have a 'delivery' story, but a soul was not born that day. a soul was lost. as time went on and now that i am sterile, i will never (at least in this life i suppose) 'birth a soul.' my husband and i will not be able to create a son or daughter. we will never experience those first tender moments of our child's life, of basking in what we were able to bring into this world. we've accepted that, but acceptance doesn't mean the hurt disappears. while it fades, there are times, like now, when it is at the very forefront of my mind and the pain is quite uncomfortable.
i feel worthless in my own skin.
as i've continued to think about my situation vs the more 'common' situation, i have to say that while it pains me that we won't experience certain things, we are blessed with just as special, spiritual and meaningful experiences with the way children come into our home.
we don't, 'birth souls' here.
we, 'find' them.
the moment harley was placed in my arms, i knew that i was holding my son, and that he was just as much mine as if i had borne him myself. no, he hasn't been mine from the moments he took his firth breath, but he is mine all the same.
in nine days we will head to the courthouse and harley will become, officially on paper, our son.
in twenty-four days, we will be sealed to him, for eternity, in the temple.
the lord has truly compensated for what has been taken from us. while certain experiences will not be known to us, there are others that have been presented to us and we wouldn't have known their sweetness if our lives went the way we had planned.
i get to kneel across the alter, with my husband, along with the friends and family we love most, and have our sweet son sealed to us. ours. forever.
i'm humbled by what the lord is allowing me to experience in my life.
finding you (or rather, you and sadie finding me), boog, has been the sweetest, most humbling experience of my life.
you are mine.
for more on my faith, go here.