Monday, August 22, 2011 compounded...

i admit i have been struggling lately.

mainly it has to do with my latest surgery, which is understandable.  i loathe physical limits, and i hate being unable to do simple tasks.  today, a week out from surgery, i ran to macey's with boog because we were out of milk.  as i walked through the aisles i felt dizzy, tired and almost like every movement took 100% more energy than it should.  i was even stopped by a sweet lady saying i looked, 'peaked and weak' and she wanted to make sure i was going to be okay.  

whoa, i must have looked as bad as i felt.

(right before the slaughter)

(right after the slaughter)

it happens, though.  when someone cuts you open, you know, literally, life is a little messed up for a while after.  trust me, i'm no stranger to that. 

i also confess that i've been feeling sorry for myself as i rest in bed.  pathetic, i know.  i'm so blessed beyond measure, that there really isn't a reason for me to feel that way.  i have a loving husband who has taken on all duties while i've been out of commission.  i have loving friends and family who have sacrificed their time to take care of me and boog.  who have made delicious meals, offered words of encouragement and checked in on me daily to make sure i have been doing okay.  i have health insurance, which is awesome, because my husband works hard and has a wonderful job that provides it.  my doctor is competent and has provided excellent care for all three surgeries. 

most of all, i have a little guy who comes to my bedside each morning, climbs up, and gives me the biggest hug and sloppiest kiss, and shows me that he loves me.

how long i fought for these moments.  how long i prayed and cried and plead to have a little one to call my own.  after so much pain, and struggle and loss we were finally blessed and there is nothing, truly, nothing that can even compare to the blessing that is our little boog.  

i know i take it for granted at times, even though i promised myself many years ago i wouldn't.  boog can be stubborn, sassy, feisty, belligerent, and honestly, a complete monster.  (sound like anyone you know?)

but he is my monster.

i cannot stop the tears from coming.  the love i have for this little person astounds me.  he takes up every inch of my heart and more.  every day the love is compounded.  every day i live my life in awe of what i have.

so what if it took pain? physical, mental, spiritual stress and anguish that i still cannot even fathom? 

so. very. worth. it.

'i'll love you forever,
i'll like you for always
as long as i'm living
my baby you'll be'

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Mandy said...

the tears came on this one. i hope that you heal hecka fast and that you feel better than ever. may this be the last season of pain and/or physical discomfort for a very very very long time. i love your (ever disappearing) guts!

Stephanie said...

You are one amazing woman and one amazing mother. I look up to you in every way.

Lechelle said...

Love you kenna! Beautiful post. I'm praying more relief comes your way.

Kristin said...

Kenna, I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time. You're an inspiration to me. I'm so sorry to have fallen off the face of the planet lately. I think about you daily. (And kick myself for not doing anything to help you...and rather hindering your happiness even more because your wii remotes are STILL at my house and the rolls are STILL not made.) Total fail. Please hate on me until I make it up to you. for real.

Talltiffany said...

perfectly said, so worth it. :) Hope you are feeling better soon.

Jessica GaleForce said...

That has always been my favorite book. Through the years I have admired your courage to face all of these challenges, lesser women (myself included) would tremble, and maybe you did tremble for a second, but you got up and faced the challenge. Something that I fail to do with most trials. Rather than having 8 years experience with infertility and all that goes with it. I dealt with 1 years experience 8 different times. What a waste of time, WHY!! Why couldn't I have learned it the first time. Anyways I could go on but what I wanted to say is that you're an inspiration to so many women! You are a most beloved friend!! And I couldn't have made it through the last couple of years without you! <3

PixieGirl said...

I'm pretty sure this is your last trial EVER since you have had a lifetime of them in the last few years:) Loves!

Alycia (Crowley Party) said...

such adorable photos :) happy to have found your blog.

Leslie said...

I can hear your voice in every word. Your perspective is inspiring. I'm so glad that boog makes it all worth it. :)

Landon and Kylie said...

Thank you for the reminder...

Rachel said...

I love this post! I love your honesty!

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