Tuesday, October 25, 2011

...for right now...

i can't sleep.

in fact, i have been trying for hours to no avail.

i've written before about the moments where the reality of my situation hits me so hard i can't breathe.  i try to suck in air like a fish out of water.  pretty sure if you were to take a look at me right now, i look like a dead or dying fish.  

however, i will not post proof.  you will just have to trust me.

i confess that tears are flowing quite freely right now.  i can't help it.  it's too late and i'm too tired to try.  it's been a long day, emotionally and physically, and my heart is being torn in too many different directions.

last week i had my two month post op visit with my surgeon.  it feels like its been a life time since all the surgeries, but apparently it hasn't, so i still have to go pay him a visit.  even worse, they decided to toss in my, 'yearly' exam.  now, you'd think i'd be used to doctor's being, 'down there' but seriously, you have to mentally prepare for the yearly exam.  hell, i didn't even shave my legs!  (which i profusely apologized for)  so there i sat, in a shmock that might as well be nothing because i felt naked anyway, and right as dr. smith is reaching for the lube (too graphic?) he is paged to deliver a baby.  

meh, this is why i have an ipad.

you know, as i sat there waiting for him (and it only took like, fifteen minutes.  i think he caught the baby and then ran back up)  i kept thinking that i should be exempt from  yearly exams because, well, there isn't anything left!  sigh, however, i realized that a pap smear is used for detection of vaginal cancer, and well, i still have one of those.  (too graphic again?!)  as dr. smith was continuing his exam, he attempt to palpate my ovaries, in which i asked, 'what are you even looking for?'  he looked up at me and said, 'well, i guess, nothing.'

that's what i thought mister md.  

that's what i thought.

i'll be the first to admit that i truly feel i am way too young for all of this.  there is no reason why i should have been gutted so young.  then again, the logical part of my brain is well aware of the consequences of not have all of the procedures.  the quality of life i have now compared to only three or four months ago is drastic.  sure, i'm not a huge fan of hormone replacement therapy, but i know in the long run it will all work out.  i'm still in the first inning, there is time to win.

of course i'm grateful that a loving heavenly father would help me change course to the plan a that would yield the greatest blessing of my (and studly's) life, but it's still hard.

i hate the fact that i'm sterile.

truly, i hate it.  i hate every single part of it.  

i hate that i feel like less of a person, less of a woman because of it.  i hate that i have been, what feels like at times, cheated.  i hate that i'm awake at one in the morning crying because i can't get a grip on my emotions.  i hate the pain i've been through, i hate the pain i will go through, i hate the pain i'm in now.

i hate it so much that i want to throw this stupid computer against the wall and scream.

eesh, but if i did (a) boog would most definitely wake up and (b) studly would probably be mad because we have a really nice computer and getting another one is not on the top of his of his things to buy list.  i'm pretty sure the plan for a mastercraft boat is before buying a new computer.

please don't misunderstand me, i would do it all again if i had to, to get boog in our lives.  do i want to do it all again? hell no, but i would if that's what was required of me.

for right now though, i just hate it.  

for a few more hours i am going to hate it.

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Ashley said...

Oh, Kenna, I feel your burden. Here is virtual hug from someone you haven't met all the way from China, who has the same problem. You truly are a strong woman and an example of how blessings come after the trial. May the blessings continue flow and may this be the beginning of "after" the trial.

As a side note: have you looked into the bio-identical hormones? I myself have been the lovely patch for 8 years and when I move home from China my mom and I are making a visit to the local bio-identical guy. They don't just use your blood/saliva test results - they listen to your symptoms and help you feel balanced, not just balance the numbers.

Be strong and carry a coke. You can do it.

Nicole said...

This was beautiful. I could feel your emotion in every word and it seemed as if you and I were having a conversation.

This is going to sound weird, but the other day my son asked me abou the Donner party and their resort to cannibalism while stuck in the Sierra Nevadas. As I explained that no they were not hunting each other, he asked what the big deal was then. To be honest, I have always kind of felt the same way.

We are so much more than our bodies. Not that they aren't great and yes they can do wonderful things and no I don't know what you are realllllly going through. But if I knew someone I loved was going to live if they ate part of my leg, no biggie.

And if boog gets a better mom because she is minus a few parts, no biggie. He doesn't miss them.
I Have a good friend who had a mastectomy very young. She moved past feeling less of a woman to feeling empowered by being alive. It's not easy, but a worthy goal.
You need to check out the Scar project. It's pictures of breast cancer survivors and their scars.
Hope this made sense!
And love to you!

Kristina P. said...

If anyone gets to have a pity party for a little while, it's you.

I was taken by the fact that you used the word sterile. Because that's really what it is. I think infertile is accurate too, but sterile is just so much more emotional and hard hitting.

So sorry, my friend!

Lynne said...

I feel like this is one of those times where the only thing to say is, "This really really sucks". That's not helpful, I know, but I'm rooting for you and pray for your every success! You have some pretty fantastic friends that comment on here, and isn't that the wonder of lady friends? They bouy you up when you feel like you're drowning. And if they bring fountain Coke with them, all the better :)

ShannonH said...

From someone who knows just a tiny bit...this brought me comfort for some of the same reasons.

"ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of
heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."

Sis, I know you know where the quote is from and Who said that about you and me. We were girls then, we're girls now and we always will be! Don't let some dumb old world ever tell you different! E.V.E.R!

Also, I've never ever found anything as healing as crying my eyes out in the wee hours of the morning. Hope it helped.

Seriously, when will one of us move close enough that we can do lunch!?! =)

Ryan & Amanda said...

Good luck Kenna! I don't know what you are going through, but I appreciate you sharing your experiences because it softens and humbles me and makes me more sensitive to others. You are definitely no less of a woman than you ever have been and even though you feel like it, no one or nothing can take that away from you! I love what someone else commented that if it makes you a better mother to be minus a few things you would definitely give an arm or a leg and not feel any less worthwhile so don't let this make you feel less worthwhile because your worth goes far beyond some ovaries!!

Independent Adoption Center said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story, you are really brave to share it with the world! =)

Emily said...

I don't usually comment on your blog (I should! Comments are always nice) but I do always read it. And I just want you to know that I think of you often and I think you are a wonderful, incredible person.

The Jensens said...

Oh Hun. I want to give you a REAL hug!! I completely understand what you are going through. Being sterile sucks, big time. All those feelings of failure hit really hard. I know this is impossible to believe right now but it WILL get easier! I promise. There will be crappy days, of course but things will level out. I know you are dumbfounded that I'm saying this :-). It's taken over 2 years for me to feel this way!

I love you! I need to send you my cell phone so you can text me when you have nights like this!

BUSNINJA said...

I have sometimes felt that I was, figuratively speaking, missing a leg. As in, I could go about my daily life and do most things, like go to school and wash dishes, but there were some things I could see other people doing, like running and playing soccer, that I knew I would never be able to do--that I would always have to watch from the sidelines. While I don't know exactly what you're going through, I do know how it feels to feel like something is inherently, fundamentally wrong with me--with all of me, and I feel for you. There are times when I'm just fine with life, and times when I feel like my spirit and my body are going to part ways . . . but most of the time, things end up turning out okay. Or really great.

Sometimes I try to get all deep with my comments and then I end up unintentionally offending people. Sorry if I've said anything insensitive. I know this: someday, I'll get my leg back.

Anonymous said...

First, I always read you, I always enjoy your thoughts. Second, I'm sorry, I am going to continue to poast anon. b/c I am private/embarrassed/too old fashioned? to use my name. Therapy not partaken of, too old now. Third - you are suffering b/c you are in the middle of it. It's fresh, the scars are fresh, you get to scream and cry and just have at it. Decades ago, more than 40, my growing years were just awful, won't go into detail. I cried, I prayed, my mother cried and prayed. I have her journals and each entry is just a pleading, crying prayer - it's searing to read. She was in agony, we all were. We were trapped. It was a different time, laws were different, people were different. Each day was misery. After all these years, time has eased the pain. I know that you know that happy days are ahead. It's not fair that you've been through so much already, not fair, not fair, not fair. And yet, life goes on. And I know that you know this too. You get to write and we get to read what you write and it's good for both of us.

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