my heart is mourning.
i just caught up on one of, 'my shows'. (grey's anatomy)
a couple in the show had their adopted daughter taken away.
as i watched the actress portray the emotion that comes when a mother is removed from her child, i held boog tight as tears fell off my cheeks.
so. much. pain. to get here.
after i put my sweet boog into his crib, i looked over blog posts from when we lost addalyn, the other three pregnancies, kate and the baby boy we were hoping to adopt in september of last year, before boog was even in the picture.
there is still a sting that comes with these past experiences.
i mourn, i cry, i hurt over these losses. they have etched in me scars that will. not. heal. completely until i meet my maker and he helps me understand the, 'whys.'
it's been a hard week or so. my emotions are running high, i'm trying to mend relationships, explain others, take care of my sweet (but terrorist two) little boy, be a good wife, friend, daughter, sister.
i'm so full of emotion but i cannot help but cry.
tonight i feel the loss of the past five years so deeply. i can't hold back the emotion, as much as it causes me to physically ache inside.
luckily, when i wake up tomorrow, i will be next to my loving husband. i will pick up my son from his bed, my son who cannot be taken away from me, and make him breakfast. he will smile and throw his sippy on the floor...on purpose.
i will smile tomorrow, because i have so much to smile about.