Tuesday, October 4, 2011

...pained...

my heart is mourning.

i just caught up on one of, 'my shows'.  (grey's anatomy)

a couple in the show had their adopted daughter taken away.

taken.  away.

as i watched the actress portray the emotion that comes when a mother is removed from her child, i held boog tight as tears fell off my cheeks.  

so. much. pain. to get here.

after i put my sweet boog into his crib, i looked over blog posts from when we lost addalyn, the other three pregnancies, kate and the baby boy we were hoping to adopt in september of last year, before boog was even in the picture.

there is still a sting that comes with these past experiences.

i mourn, i cry, i hurt over these losses.  they have etched in me scars that will. not. heal. completely until i meet my maker and he helps me understand the, 'whys.' 

it's been a hard week or so.  my emotions are running high, i'm trying to mend relationships, explain others, take care of my sweet (but terrorist two) little boy, be a good wife, friend, daughter, sister.

i'm so full of emotion but i cannot help but cry.

tonight i feel the loss of the past five years so deeply.  i can't hold back the emotion, as much as it causes me to physically ache inside.  

luckily, when i wake up tomorrow, i will be next to my loving husband.  i will pick up my son from his bed, my son who cannot be taken away from me, and make him breakfast.  he will smile and throw his sippy on the floor...on purpose.

i will smile tomorrow, because i have so much to smile about.

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6 comments:

Val'n'Ben said...

Psalms 30:5

"... weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

Sometimes our "night" lasts much longer than a few hours. Sometimes we experience many nights of weeping. The sting of our nights lingers, but the morning comes, although we don't know when, and joy comes with it.

I love you my sweet sister, I'm so overcome with joy that your "morning" has finally come.

Hugs!

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

I love the comment above.

I can't wait to hear the 'whys' either.

Loves.

Erin said...

:) give that handsome kid a squeeze. hugs never get old. so sorry for the battle wounds that still hurt.

Kayla said...

As sad as it was that Zola was taken away, I was even more sad/angry about Christina and Owen's decision. It made me sick to my stomach.

TIM&SHAN said...

Your battle wounds although painful make you so beautiful Kenna.... you cry your little heart out whenever you need to!!!!!! I cried with you as I read of your heartache and loss and I while I have felt some of that in my own life I cannot even pretend to think I know all of how you feel.

You have every right to let it out and you have every right to be overcome with emotion about your experiences.

Thank the Lord for you and your husband and for Boog. Because at the last day you will go into battle against satan with callouses and tough skin and satan will not penetrate the hardened warrior you have become. You will lead armies Kenna.... you will win wars for God. Those battles you lost have trained you to win the greatest war of all. You are strong.

Thank you for always being honest and candid... you bless all of our lives.

Kristina P. said...

Doesn't it suck how fake dramas can make everything feel so real?

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