Wednesday, November 9, 2011

...the doppler effect...

basically that's how the next week in reno felt.  (think the big bang theory)

after studly left my mom drove up, which let me tell you, saved my sanity.  she helped me with kate at night, got me out of bed in the morning, made sure i took a shower, kept me eating, got me out of the house...  she basically kept me alive.

so you can imagine my anxiety and sadness when i dropped her off at the airport on sunday.  my mom loves kate so much.  that is why i stated a few posts back that it is the hardest thing to remember.  my mom is an amazing grandma, and wanted kate in our lives.  i also remember a text my dad sent to my mom which read, 'i pray every day i will have the chance to hold her.'

we all loved her so deeply. still do.

see, it's not about birth dad hurting me and studly.  it's just like a ripple in a pond.  it hurt R, kate, my parents, studly's parents, our families, our friends.  so many people were wounded.

so there i was.  alone.  

we had decided that studly would stay in utah until a for sure placement date as set.  we were losing money by the minute staying in reno, and someone needed to work.  i was blessed to have an amazing employer who allowed me to work as much as i could in reno, so we were able to make the hemorrhaging of money stop.  however, the fact i felt so alone still remained.

it was a waiting game.  hot, cold.  my amazing case worker would check in daily; making sure i was still breathing.  she even pulled in some of the big guys with ldsfs to assess our situation.  there was talk of getting birth dad's rights terminated, but then again, nevada is a very pro birth dad state, and while we all knew allowing him to be a father was not in kate's best interest, a judge wasn't going to go for that.  

i remember staying up all night with kate.  snuggling her as she slept.  breathing her in.  memorizing every detail.  her fingers, her toes, her eyes, her nose.  i logged away all of her little sounds and quirks.  i had hope she would come home, but as the days passed with the birth dad getting more and more demanding, i began to see the inevitable. 

how to you explain this to your heart?

almost being in reno two weeks, i got a call from my case worker.  

'we need to pull you out of there,' she said.  'get studly on a plane to reno.  you shouldn't be doing this alone.'

i cried like i have never cried in my entire life.  R was in the car with me, and i felt awful letting my weak feelings show.  i had tried to hard to be strong for all of us, but at this point, i had nothing left.  truly there was nothing left in me to offer to anyone.  R took kate inside, and i wept.  i wept my soul out of my body.  my poor case worker sat silent on the other line, only able to say, 'oh kenna, i'm so sorry.  i'm so, so sorry.'  

after what seemed like hours, R (who as now being strong for ME; she was always strong for me) came out to the car and ushered me inside.  she immediately put kate in my arms.

be still my heart.  

this too shall pass.

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Kandice said...

Kenna this is such a heart breaking story. I'm so sorry you, studly, Kate and your family had to go through this.

Ashtastic said...

I don't know how you're doing this. Remembering it from my end is making me cry and makes me want to curl up and sob. I'm proud of you. Love you.

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