i didn't run my car off a cliff...
about five months after kate we were in a situation to adopt again, but it kinda went kaboom two days after the little guy was born. our grief was multiplied, and i felt as if i truly had lost my mind. (there is a hole in our bathroom wall to prove it. never punch walls, folks. you break fingers) i felt betrayed, lost and unable to continue on with life knowing of the pain i had to feel and eventually overcome. sadly i don't know much about the sweet little boy we were almost placed with. studly and i do pray for him, though, and his parents. love doesn't cease to exist just because he isn't in our home.
however, miraculously, i learned a few things.
first, god does not get in the way of an individuals agency to spare his children from hurt/harm/death/etc.
i know there are exceptions and there are miracles, but oft times bad things happen because people make bad choices. god can send promptings, visions, he can even send angels, but that doesn't mean anyone is forced to listen or act on his promptings. even if this means more happiness in life. i have watched individuals ignore clear and precise promptings from heaven, and in turn i have been hurt because of it. we have been promised our agency, and god doesn't take back promises. are there times i think agency is the worst idea ever? sure, there have been many times i have raised my voice at heaven because of agency. i have cried from the depths of my soul to god asking please, please intervene.
you know, the way i pray has changed drastically in all of this. before i was asking god to specifically meddle with someones agency. he can't do that. now we pray for promptings. we pray that the decision maker has strength. we pray for the best of outcomes but acknowledge the sacred gift of choice.
second, i am a hell of a lot stronger than i ever thought i was and i am still a lot stronger than i give myself credit for.
i have said it a million times and i will continue saying it; i don't believe it is innate in us to give up. with all of our remaining strength we may want to, even try to, but rarely do we succeed. i still woke up, still showered, went to work, even if it was merely going through the motions. (okay, maybe some days i totally forgot deodorant, but hey, 4 outta 5 ain't bad) some days i broke. i took five or six showers a day to drown out the sounds of my sobs. there was even a point where i threw my head at the shower wall because i couldn't bear it. luckily i had a loving case worker, a loving therapist (who is still my friend to this day, even came to boog's sealing), a loving family, loving friends, amazing blog readers, and most importantly, a loving spouse.
being strong doesn't mean doing it by yourself.
third, god compensates. it may not be in your time, or in the way you'd prefer, but he compensates.
i had it in my mind that after kate god owed us a flawless adoption. i was humbled quickly as we faced our second failed placement, and it's not like boog came about right away. as i look back i can see how he compensated for the pain experienced daily. yes, eventually it came down to being able to adopt, but i have gained a lot of respect for this law. once i understood how god works with this (although i am by no means saying i completely understand any of the laws of god, but i am slowly learning as i live) i found we can rely and even EXPECT compensation from god. like i stated above, he is bound by his own laws. this has become a great comfort to me and studly.
fourth and last, boog was worth it.
i would not be the kind of mother he deserved without my trials. i'll probably deny ever saying this, but my struggles and pain have been for my good, regardless of the huge lack of answers as to why i had to experience them.
this is what i think i know.