Friday, November 11, 2011

...epilogue...

i didn't run my car off a cliff...

...obviously.

about five months after kate we were in a situation to adopt again, but it kinda went kaboom two days after the little guy was born.  our grief was multiplied, and i felt as if i truly had lost my mind.  (there is a hole in our bathroom wall to prove it. never punch walls, folks.  you break fingers) i felt betrayed, lost and unable to continue on with life knowing of the pain i had to feel and eventually overcome.  sadly i don't know much about the sweet little boy we were almost placed with.  studly and i do pray for him, though, and his parents. love doesn't cease to exist just because he isn't in our home. 

however, miraculously, i learned a few things.  

first, god does not get in the way of an individuals agency to spare his children from hurt/harm/death/etc.  

i know there are exceptions and there are miracles, but oft times bad things happen because people make bad choices.  god can send promptings, visions, he can even send angels, but that doesn't mean anyone is forced to listen or act on his promptings.  even if this means more happiness in life.  i have watched individuals ignore clear and precise promptings from heaven, and in turn i have been hurt because of it.  we have been promised our agency, and god doesn't take back promises.  are there times i think agency is the worst idea ever?  sure, there have been many times i have raised my voice at heaven because of agency.  i have cried from the depths of my soul to god asking please, please intervene. 

you know, the way i pray has changed drastically in all of this.  before i was asking god to specifically meddle with someones agency.  he can't do that.  now we pray for promptings.  we pray that the decision maker has strength.  we pray for the best of outcomes but acknowledge the sacred gift of choice.  

second, i am a hell of a lot stronger than i ever thought i was and i am still a lot stronger than i give myself credit for. 

i have said it a million times and i will continue saying it; i don't believe it is innate in us to give up.  with all of our remaining strength we may want to, even try to, but rarely do we succeed.  i still woke up, still showered, went to work, even if it was merely going through the motions.  (okay, maybe some days i totally forgot deodorant, but hey, 4 outta 5 ain't bad)  some days i broke.  i took five or six showers a day to drown out the sounds of my sobs.  there was even a point where i threw my head at the shower wall because i couldn't bear it.  luckily i had a loving case worker, a loving therapist (who is still my friend to this day, even came to boog's sealing), a loving family, loving friends, amazing blog readers, and most importantly, a loving spouse. 

being strong doesn't mean doing it by yourself.  

third, god compensates.  it may not be in your time, or in the way you'd prefer, but he compensates.

i had it in my mind that after kate god owed us a flawless adoption.  i was humbled quickly as we faced our second failed placement, and it's not like boog came about right away. as i look back i can see how he compensated for the pain experienced daily.  yes, eventually it came down to being able to adopt, but i have gained a lot of respect for this law.  once i understood how god works with this (although i am by no means saying i completely understand any of the laws of god, but i am slowly learning as i live) i found we can rely and even EXPECT compensation from god.  like i stated above, he is bound by his own laws.  this has become a great comfort to me and studly.

fourth and last, boog was worth it.

i would not be the kind of mother he deserved without my trials.  i'll probably deny ever saying this, but my struggles and pain have been for my good, regardless of the huge lack of answers as to why i had to experience them.  

this is what i think i know.



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15 comments:

Dhilma said...

Dear Kenna, I started reading you blog 2 days ago.I think you are a very strong woman to have gone through all that you have for such a young age. Both you and your husband. I read all about how Boog entered your life and sobbed loud when I saw the video of his first few days of life. I have NEVER cried like that, reading a blog. I stayed up till 2am in the morning reading all about how you tried to adopt little kate too. Well, what I want to say is that I relly amore your strength of character and am sincerely happy you have found a lovely son inlittle boog (who by the way, seems to resemble you!)I wish you the strength to face everything that life sends your way with equanimity. Regards from Dhilma Sri Lanka)

Layla said...

God compensates. Absolutely true.

Ben and Kristen Call said...

Hey there Kenna
So I have read your blog forever but never comment.
I have loved reading about your experiences with adoption. I know they have not been easy but thank you for sharing them.
This post today was AWESOME, thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences. You are an AMAZING person!
I am sure your little boy makes up for everything hard you went through.
He sure is cute and your truly look happy!

BUSNINJA said...

This has been exhausting to read. And I mean that in the best way. This story has taken me to hell and back--a different hell than I've ever been to before. But I, and I think many others, have gained strength from your example. Thanks ever so much for sharing.

A said...

Love this story. Thanks so much for sharing it. It's amazing how there is so much pain, anguish, dispair, etc. that come about with adoption (on both sides) but in the end you look at it and the only thing you can think about is the happiness that came in the end. The trials suck, to put it mildly, but like you said, it makes us who we are :) Thanks again for such a beautiful story.

Love ya,

A

Brianne said...

Thanks for reminding me that God compensates. I'm trying to wait oh-so-patiently for that. It seems like it will never come, but it will! I love how Boog looks so much like you! :) He really was meant to be your boy!

Jewls said...

Thanks for sharing Kenna! You. Are. Amazing!

This song makes me think of you...ignore the retarded music video, I didn't like the live version of the song as much as the recorded so I had to pick one made by a fan!

http://youtu.be/QtNzOpKvPfw

Jessica C. said...

thank you for sharing your experience with Kate's story. I really like what you said about having a ripple effect, its not just about the people immediately involved, but your families, friends, caseworkers and other people involved. Also good insight into agency-- no matter how happy it would make you, you can't force someone or take away their right to make a decision. I am happy the end result is your cute boog! he is adorable.

Shannon said...

I just love that picture. It is pure happyness.

Emily said...

Kenna,
Thank you so much for sharing all of this. Your stories and experiences and most of all, what you've learned from them are a source of strength for me. You are a source of strength. Thank you.

Also, I love that picture. There is no doubt Boog was always meant to be yours. He has your eyes. :) He is absolutely adorable.

Anonymous said...

Kenna, thank you for sharing. I am at a huge crossroads right now in how I feel about adoption. I don't want to be, but I am. I had my faith shaken in adoption and ldsfs after reading the blog "letters to ms feverfew" and I honestly don't understand anything. How can adoption be so right but sometimes so wrong? I'm really struggling. Your story helped so thank you. I'm so sorry for your pain.

How is Kate doing now? And mom? What a horrible situation. I hope the father is at least involved now?

Cynthia Christopherson said...

Oh Kenna,
I wish I could express in words exactly how amazing you are. I know I sound like a crazy person, but I swear to you that you were put into my life for a reason!

The strength that you have had to have throughout all of this is more than I can even begin to imagine. I've said it before, but you are the strongest person I know! It may not always feel like it, but in dealing with the grief you are strong!

I feel like you have recounted this experience just for me. I really wish that I would have known you during this time so I could have been one more person to support you. (crazy much?) You know my fears about adoption, and while this story brought me to my knees in sobs for your pain, R's pain, your families pain, and my fear...it taught me that you can survive the tragedies that come along with adoption.

Lots of love,
Cynthia

Leslie said...

Best. Post. Ever.

These things that you "think" you know---for most of us, it will take us our whole lives to really know (or think we know) those things for ourselves. You are way ahead of the game, my dear.

The law of compensation has been one of the most eye-opening and comforting things that I have ever pondered about. He really does love us.

I love you. And I miss you, too.

And I love Boog.

Alisha said...

Oh, dear Kenna... You. Are. AMAZING. This post is beyond incredible. I admire your courage and your strength and your ability to express how you feel. I wish I had that ability, though I see myself and hear my own thoughts in the words you write in your postings frequently.

I hope to one day have a happy ending like you. And, like you said, it will not be in my time, but it will be worth it.

Kellie Knapp said...

I'm glad you text me because I've been meaning to leave you a lil comment.

Thank you for writing Kate's story. It was amazing, emotional, intense and I loved being able to get more insight into your situation.

Kenna, I'm so sad that your little girl was ripped from your arms. Rest assured that HF knows the intentions of his children's hearts and that guy is in deep shit.

I'm so greatful she can never be ripped from your heart. She's in there forever, and I'm glad no amount of dipshittery from ANYONE can steal that from you.

After reading this and taking into account EVERYTHING you've been through, you seem so heroic. Like some adoption/brain tumor/infertility action superhero. You just take hit after hit, but in my opinion, you've come out on top.

It's also, intersting because despite missing some of the physical body parts that make you a women, you are more of a women than 10 ballet dancing uteruses wearing pink dresses. ( that sounds pretty womanly right? Dancing uteri?? no? whatever you get my point)

YOU ARE A STRONG, ASS KICKING WOMAN. You've been to hell and back and you still get up every day and move onward and upward.

Studly's lucky to have you. Boog is lucky to have you, and we, as your friends, are lucky to have you.

oh, and I love you.

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