Wednesday, November 2, 2011

...struggle is the price you pay...

adoption is part of my being.

it has been woven into my soul and is an intricate part of my life, studly's life, and our son's life.

we wouldn't have it any other way.

most of you know our road to becoming parents has been, well, hectic, to say the least.  when our journey started, i had no idea that it was going to tear my heart to shreds before it ever started to heal.  then again, 'you live, you learn' as my angry chick band singer alanis would say.  

we go way back, me and alanis.

when i think back on what we experienced with the attempted adoption of kate, i still get a little queasy.  i have to shake my head violently a few times because the memories are vivid, tender and still painful.  i've found that is just how it will be during this life.  time eases the pain, but it doesn't take away the memories.

i remember when we went online in march of 2010.  it has been a long three years of struggle, small triumphs and even bigger set backs, but we finally were approved for adoption and it was a new chapter of life.  i think i was a tad naive, but i assume most of us are.  however, i never expected to be, 'chosen' quickly.  i was ready for the long haul when it came to that.  so when we received an email from a potential birth mom just two weeks after we went online, i was surprised. 

now, if any of you know me and studly, you know that we have a slight obsession with the movie, 'dumb and dumber.'  as in we once had a bird and his name was petey.  as in we quote it at least once a day.  in this first email, R (birth mom) quoted that movie.

psh, love at first sight.

the connection was instant, our love for R grew with each email, and the attachment to the little one that might be ours grew as well.  R was 33 weeks when we first heard from her, and a few weeks later we drove out to reno to visit her and the birth father.  R hadn't announced to us that she wanted to place, but i remember when we said goodbye after the few days we were there, she said, 'see you soon!'.  she had made up her mind to place, and she was going to place with us.

as for the birth father, he was hard to read.  i couldn't understand much of his logic behind, well, anything, and we had a harder time connecting with him.  studly's main goal was to make him feel at ease while we were there, which he successfully did, as by the last night of our stay he had opened up and gasp, even laughed a few times.

i even received an email from him the day we left that included, 'can't wait to see you again and plan for baby!'

sad, but these were lovely conjunctures and phrases that he never meant.

as we drove home i said aloud to studly, 'we are having a baby...'

you cannot imagine our elation, which was only compounded when the very. next. day. i received a call that R was in labor and to basically get our trash on a plane IMMEDIATELY.

i called my mom and three friends that day.  ashley.  allison.  jenny.  

ashley told me to pack some jack daniels.  allison helped me figure out what to pack.  jenny offered strength and the promise of beautiful new born pictures when we brought baby back.  (at this point we didn't know if it was a girl or boy)  i threw our lives into a suitcase, along with all the baby clothes for both genders that we had collected over the years, and sped to the airport.  

holy mother of cows, longest plane ride ever.  also the most turbulent.  flying into reno is like flying into a hurricane.  barf bag definitely needed with that landing.

we made it into reno around eleven pm, and i called R to tell her we were on our way to the hospital.  the nurses were so sweet and let us come visit although it was way past visiting hours.  

as we walked into the hospital, having no clue where maternity was, we asked completely out of breath, 'maternity?  we had a baby...'  the sweet lady behind the desk completely misunderstood us, as she stood up, went to grab ME a wheelchair because she thought i was in labor.  

thanks, lady.  

obviously my mind was in other places, because we said, 'no, we are the adoptive parents, the baby was just born...please point us in the right direction before we explode.'  she did, without an apology, but meh, like i said, my mind couldn't think about anything else but R and that sweet baby.

finally, after running a half marathon around the hospital we made it to R's room, and gently knocked.  we were ushered in and spent a few minutes talking with R and her mother (who became a second mother to me while i was in reno.  i love her just as deeply as i love R) and then R quietly asked, 'do you want to see her?' 

her.  we had a daughter.

to this day i cannot express the emotions that overtook my soul when i held her for the first time. however, i can tell you that i knew to the core of my spirit that this was my daughter, and i will and always have loved her as such.

we gave her a name. 

katelyn nicole. 

she was perfection wrapped up in a little ball of a baby human.  i couldn't get over how beautiful she was.  so much dark hair, such a perfect little nose and cheeks for days.

everything that had ever happened to me and studly in our journey didn't matter anymore.  all that mattered was this beautiful little girl.  little did i know that i was about to be in the fight of my life to keep her.

this is a very long and intense experience for me to share, so i will be posting this story in installments.  thank you to everyone who has been and continues to be so supportive of us. 
i am thankful i am finally able to share what we went through.  i hope it somehow helps someone out there...

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Ashley said...

i love love love you.

I forgot about the jack daniels thing.

you can do this.

you already have.

Alli said...

Next time you call to ask what to pack I am going to give you all my left over phenergan, for, ummmm.... the flight.

Lori Allred said...

Oh my goodness I cannot read your blog...I bawl like a baby (no pun intended). I'm dyeing for more of the story!

Lechelle said...

When Boston was born and I saw him for the first time I knew immediately that he was my son. I was terrified that for months someone else had the power to take him away from me, regardless that the chances were so slim. I knew he was my son and regardless of what anyone did, even the day we were sealed, nothing changed that. And so I can say I understand that you knew she was your daughter, as I too knew to the core of my spirit that Boston was my son. But I can't truly fathom the nightmare pain of someone actually taking her away. I am so so so sorry.

Alecia said...

there are tears rolling down my cheeks. i can't even imagine the pain. you're a tough girl for sharing this with the world.

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