Monday, November 21, 2011

...uncertain future...

when it comes to life planning, well, i'm not that great at it.

actually, strike that, i am actually a great planner.  it's the universe that makes it hard.

these days i leave planning to our yearly california beach trip, or a concert date with the studly.  life planning?  we gave that up years ago.  don't get me wrong, we have goals and hopes and dreams, but planning out when we want them to happen/come/manifest, well, we don't.  basically we try our hardest to accomplish what we can, but there is no such thing as, 'oh, well, we will have our babies 27 months apart, oh, and have four of them.  studly will go to pharmacy school right after he graduates and we will apply to every school in the nation!  he will get accepted and after he graduates we will build a giant house in the burbs.  oh yes, and own a boat.  all before 30.'

i'm laughing so hard right now, because there was a point in life i believed i could plan stuff like this out.  then the universe takes you out back and beats you up.  this doesn't mean give up on what you dream about.  studly is still going to pharmacy school, but he has only applied to five schools so far as that alone costs over a grand.  babies?  psh, you know how that works around here...or doesn't work.  basically if life has taught us anything, it's to be flexible.  studly was planning on applying to pharmacy school a couple years ago, but brain tumors, surgeries and adoptions have taken over said plans.

you see, plans just don't make sense here.  at least not concrete ones.

now because of this, i find myself at a stalemate.  

i feel so lucky to have studly and boog.  studly has an amazing job that offers me the luxury of staying home and playing with a two year old all day.  i have family, friends, a home, a comfortable lifestyle, a car, food, access to a cafe rio, i mean, seriously, any problem i do have is a first world problem at best.  even when it comes to the brain tumor, the endless surgeries, my health; i have an amazing team of doctors who have access to the best medical technology.  how did i get so lucky?

i find that i have begged myself to be okay with just boog.  being his mother is what i begged so long for, and i promise god that i would never ask for another child.  i just wanted one.  if it came down to it, being the mother of one boog is enough to satisfy, because daily i am filled with love and adoration for him.  in fact, i don't think it's quite possible for my heart to love another.  yes, i thought this with baby kate, but the circumstances are a little different.  boog is here to stay, and i get to raise him and love him and be his mommy.  this is a role, while i'm still learning, that i am okay with, well, forever basically.  i just want to be boog's mom.

then again, and i hate admitting this because it brings up all sorts of emotions, i have this yearning deep inside my heart that wants to experience having a newborn child.  please, don't misunderstand, because boog came to us at the perfect time.  if we were to have been placed with a newborn, after all we lost, i would have struggled bonding more than i did with boog.  i was too afraid to love, and with boog being 14 months, he helped me overcome my fears because he showed me immediately that he loved me back.  (i hope this makes sense, if not, come talk to me after the show)  i honestly feel we were so cheated when it came to kate and the other adoption, as well as with the loss of addalyn.  

i see new babies come into the lives of family and friends and i am torn.  i try to bury the fact that i would give anything to have the guts to adopt again and experience the 14 months i missed out on.

then infertility shows me that i can't.  that i'm less.  that i'm basically a gutted woman who can't do much at all.  i swallow my hormone pills each night and cringe.  i have accepted my fate but it hurts.  why is it so hard to bring another spirit to our family?

then again, shouldn't i be happy with the fact god granted us the boog?  

it causes so much conflict in my heart, and i often hold back tears because i don't know what i want or how to get it.  i would feel ungrateful if i asked god to please, just please grant us the chance for another child when he so graciously made boog part of our lives.  

boog is enough.  he is, always has been and always will be.

however, i cannot deny that there might be more to experience, and that i want a taste of it.

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elliespen said...

Kenna, I love the way you say things. Not just the manner in which you express them, but the fact that they are actually being said.

Sarah said...

I completely understand your feelings. You love your boog so much that it just makes sense to have wanted him with you those 14 months. That you missed out on so much.

When we were placed with our 2 day old son I was content with it also. Just having him and loving him was enough. Around the 6 month mark I was surprised to discover that I wished I had him the whole 9 months before he came to me. I loved him so much that I was mourning that he didn't come from my body. That he wasn't always with me.

I'm also sterile and will never experience pregnancy. I knew this 2 and 1/2 years before we even were placed with our son. That should have been plenty of time to adjust to the "pregnancy" hurt. It really does sneak up on you.

Ryan & Amanda said...

Life definitely does not care what you had planned for yourself, that is for sure! In some ways this is good-and in other ways I think I liked my plan better... But either way it is what it is. I do not think you are selfish or anything negative for wanting another child. You want the Boog to have a sibling and you want to love another little child as much as you love him. I wish I had a magical way for that to happen, but if there is a way for you to have another child in your family I think you should definitely go for it and not feel guilty for even a second!!

Mary said...

Your thoughts remind me of the saying "If you want to make God laugh- tell him your plans."

I relate to yearning for more than one chld and then feeling guilty because I should be grateful for the one I allready have. But, I don't think it's necesarilly a selfish thing to ask God for another child when you can provide a loving home- after all, it's a "righteous desire", right?

However, I also get that your situation is complicated by surgeries and graduate school and all the grief and loss that goes along with your previous heartbreaks and failed placements.
Who knows what is in store for your family and Boog!

Kristin said...

I don't know the "right" way to say what I want to say, but my personal feeling is that children are huge blessings and that we never "deserve" any blessings. (children or otherwise), but our Heavenly Father loves his children (us!) more than we can comprehend and blesses them beyond measure.

The yearning, the feeling someone is missing from a family isn't something to be ashamed of...(ashamed is the wrong word...)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that wanting another child does not mean you love boog any less. It couldn't. Of anything, it shows how much you absolutely do love him because it shows that you are willing to listen to the Lord and do what he asks you to. (You're kind of the best at this, period.)

Anyhow, off my soap-box. :) We'll keep praying for whatever the Lord has in mind for your beautiful family!

Aubrey said...

You are amazing. There is nothing {NOTHING} wrong with having the righteous desire of having another child. My Hailey was a miracle. And for a while, she was enough. But there came a time when, even after I begged and begged for my Hailey, that I knew there was another child out there for us. It took almost 4 years to bring him home. The Lord knows you. If there is another child for you, and you desire (after all, it is a righteous desire) the Lord will make it happen at the right time. Love you, lady!!

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal said...

Oh yes, I totally get what you mean. It's difficult to get up the courage to start the adoption process over again. And then, once you do, you start to feel guilty because you're asking the Lord for another SERIES of miracles, and you don't feel worthy to ask so much for yourself, after all He has already given. It's so hard to try to plan for a future that may never happen. You're right, being flexible is a must!

ShannonH said...

When any couple adopts or goes through fertility treatments or even "plans" a pregnancy - they're asking for the same thing - a series of miracles as Brittany said. That is exactly what children are no matter how the get to you. Life is a miracle.

Asking is not ever wrong - remember Adam and Eve? They kept asking for blessings even after they were "relocated" and God said yes! Really, you haven't quite changed the entire direction of the world just yet - my world and many others, yes, but some people haven't read your blog/met you yet. =) So, if you haven't felt the tape break at the finish line, you're not there yet so keep on truckin'! Love.

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