Thursday, November 3, 2011 on pause...

would you believe that within twenty four hours of kate's birth (which i realized i never posted, 4/26/2010) i sent hundreds of texts (thankfully we had unlimited) as well as over talked my minutes (by seriously 150 bucks)?

that was the biggest cell phone bill i have ever paid.  

this was probably due to the fact that we hadn't told anyone but our parents about talking with R, let alone possibly adopting.  i think studly and i have built a few walls to protect our small family when tragedy strikes, and even with the happiness adopting would bring, we still kept it close to the chest.  as we headed to our hotel room, i remember being in shock.  i also remember feeling like my heart was healing.  physically i could feel how it was beating a bit easier for the first time in years.  studly was checking us in when i looked and saw a few bills in my purse.  in the rush to get to reno, i had completely forgotten to mail them.  i asked the receptionist if she could possibly put them in the out going mail for me, which she kindly did.  she glanced at the envelopes and asked us, 'coming from utah?...'  we explained our situation, and how our daughter had been born only hours early, and obviously some things fell to the way side as we prepared to leave home.  

friends, if you are adopting and end up renting a car, a hotel room, flying, whatever, TELL THEM.  seriously.  free upgrades, free checked bags, they will hook. you. up.

the sweet receptionist upgraded our thirty three dollar room to a penthouse suite.  you know, the rooms with an entire wall of window's overlooking the city, a full kitchen, i mean, it was bigger than our apartment.  for. free.  we even received a gift card to the hotel so we could grab a late night snack.  

when we got to our room, the next hour or so was spent calling and texting family and friends.  her name is kate.  7 lbs 5oz.  dair hair!  she is beautiful.  R is doing really well.  i got to hold her!  we feel so blessed.  god is good.

studly slept while i stayed up sorting through all the newborn girl onsies.  picking out the perfect, 'going home' outfit.  crying tears of joy.  

i wish i had know what was going on at this time with the birth father.  

apparently while R was IN LABOR he stormed in with some type of legal letter stating she couldn't contact us without his permission.  (or something to that effect.)  right.  i'm pretty sure, at least my limited legal knowledge tells me, you can't really do that.  also, why in the world would he being doing that while she was pushing a baby out?  sensitive, right?  he was ordered out, for good reason.  i don't think he returned to see kate or R after the birth.  we didn't talk to him until the next day, although i admit i can't recall much of what was said.  

i do, however, remember he started to put up a fit about the adoption.  now, i'm not trying to seem insensitive.  i cannot fathom what kind of emotional state i would be in if i were him.  placing a child for adoption isn't easy, and i never have thought it was.  you see, there was something about his actions that didn't sit right with any of us.  we realized quickly nothing was about kate or R, it was about HIM.  not about what was best for kate, not about how R felt and wanted for kate, but what he wanted.  he wanted attention.  he wanted us to cater to him (which seriously, we already were.  i was at his beckon call and i realize now that wasn't the best way to go about it.  this will come into the story later, but i did what R's case worker told me to do.  we found out after this whole experience that she had zero knowledge about the adoption process.  helpful, right?).  he didn't care about seeing kate, he cared about threatening us.  i truly think he felt so powerful and knew he had our lives in his hands, that he toyed with us for. fun.  

right of the bat i realized that he needed his own case worker, which the hospital provided him.  R's case worker was too novice and even if she was the most experienced worker in the world, he would still have needed his own.  he finally came in to see kate that second day, but would have nothing to do with R.  maybe i'm old fashioned (or just a decent person period) but i would really think that he would want to know how R was doing.  birth dad brought his own dad and said they just wanted to see him and then he would sign his papers.  they wheeled kate away and i remember i felt so helpless when she wasn't in my sight.  birth dad wasn't stable (in any way, even before all of this.  try threatening to jump out of the car on the free way because he didn't get his way kind of unstable.) and my natural instinct was to protect kate from people like this.

sigh, i'm digging through my brain to remember details from that day beside all this, but i can't remember.  we stayed at the hospital with R all day, leaving a few times to get a quick coke or a bite to eat for studly.  i don't think i ingested more than 500 calories a day during this whole mess.  when we went back to the hotel for the night, i dropped to my knees and cried harder than i ever have in my entire life.  from what studly has told me, i was basically in the fetal position, rocking back and forth trying to breathe.  we sent out frantic calls, texts and i even posted on my blog that we needed prayers.  

we needed hope.  

we needed the birth father's heart to soften for the sake of this little girl's life. 

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Ashley said...

You're being so brave. Again.

I'm ridiculously proud of you.

Just the Two of us.. said...

You are soooooxoxox amazing!! && she is beautiful!

Jewls said...

I want to punch birth dad, I can't believe he was so insensitive to R...jerk!

Kate is beautiful. Failed placements make my heart hurt :(

Cynthia Christopherson said...

You are such an amazing woman!!! I don't even have the words to explain how amazing you are. The fact that you are sharing this with us means so much!

You would think i would have realized reading this during class would NOT have been a good idea. Nope instead we get a weepy Cynthia trying to do a presentation after reading it.

I think you more than anyone understand my fears...

I hope that as time goes by it will continue to ease the heartache you have experienced.

Unknown said...

I am seriously riveted and in tears reading this. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is to relive it again and I just pray that little Kate is doing well today.

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