Tuesday, January 10, 2012

...rip off the bandage...

when i married studly, i weighed in at 133 pounds.  

i was active, loved running, played soccer with a passion.  i felt wonderful physically and mentally.  i was healthy.  i dare say that if i had to take a guess at when i was in my prime, that was it.  i felt good.

almost six years later, i weigh in at 227.

i knew typing that would elicit a response.  i can't help but cry, and it's not just the number.

okay, the number does do some damage.  basically i'm carrying around me plus a midget.  mirrors are the enemy.  jean shopping is awful.  finding shirts that fit over my boobs?  psh, someone will walk on mars before someone figures out how to dress a full figured woman without making the item of clothing look like a potato sack.  

it would be easier to wear the potato sack, trust me.

you see, i have a lot of scars that the eye can't see.  if some random person saw me they wouldn't ever think, 'wow, maybe her body has been through a lot.'  no.  i'm that gross, pathetic, probably eats way too many mcribs, twenty something fat chick.  the thing is, i hate mcribs!  it hasn't been my diet, or lack of exercise, or eating too many twinkies.

i have had four failed pregnancies.

i have had a brain tumor that messed with the most important gland in the body.  where every single hormone is either made or controlled.

i had a hysterectomy that took out my ovaries, which also are so very important to the hormone game.    


i am on a handful of medications that will fight me for every. single. pound.

my body has been cut open, ripped apart, sewn back together and cut open again.  so much damage, so much recovery, so many pieces to put back together.  

one of those pieces is getting my body back to a healthy weight.  the doctors have all said it is going to be the fight of my life.  see, they don't blame me.  they know that mcribs are totally gross and i would never go near one.  however, not everyone is my doctor.  not everyone knows how hard this has been on me.  

so here i am, telling you that i am not just that fat chick.  i carry scars. 

227 is just a number.  this is not about the number.  it's about me.  i want back to that person i knew all those years ago.  now that the surgeries are over, the stresses from past events has eased, it's time to focus on me again.  it's time to chisel off the shell that has encased me all these years.  

this won't happen over night.  no gimmicks, no 15 pounds in one week insanity, no shortcuts.  

you have all followed so many of my journeys.  care to follow me on just one more?





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24 comments:

Lizzie - The Dancing Toad Blog said...

You're amazing. You really are. I can't imagine going though some of the things you've gone through... And you seem to have come out on top! You're a fabulous writer, a kind, beautiful person, and I think you are helping more people than you know through this honest blog of yours. Thanks for sharing.

Dhilma said...

Dear Kenna,
Yes you really are amazing. I really think you are one of the strongest people that I have come across. Don't care two hoots what other people may think. They will always jump to wrong conclusions. I wish you strength, good health and peace of mind this new year.

Val'n'Ben said...

I love you. All wonderful, amazing, generous, brave and beautiful 227 pounds of you.

I'm totally with you. I know I'm far away, but I'll totally be your weight loss pal and check to see how you're doing and you can do the same for me.

For the record, you make potato sacks look good!

Jessica GaleForce said...

p90x all the way love!! I am with ya!!

My name is Andy. said...

You really are amazing and I would be privileged to follow you on your journey.

You can do this.

Amy said...

Sister, what a rough road. Stupid meds and their stupid effects on our bodies. So unfair. I remember skyrocketing up 30 pounds right after my hysterectomy because of the meds I was put on so I totally get what you are saying 'cept that you have dealt with so much more than little ol' me. I'm here to cheer you on! kenna, KeNnA, KENNA!!! You are all over this.

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

I would love to watch you succeed and be jealous when you do. :) I need to live healthier, and one day it will happen. I once was 145, and now I am 199...it took me a few years to put it all on, and probably just as many to get it off.

Chelsea Edgren said...

I am a totally random stranger and you have NO IDEA what this post means to me! Two years ago I weighed in at 145lb. Two babies, one failed adoption and a marriage later I now weigh in at 226.6 to be exact. I haven't seen half the heartache you have and therefore I can only slightly understand. And it's true. It's not just about the number; it is about what the previous number represented about our happy and healthy previous lifestyles. I would take being fat WITH babies than being skinny without. But if I could have both, that would be all the more amazing :)

T+S=K said...

WORD to that Kenna!!!!!!
I will totally follow you in this journey cuz I am on it with you!!
I also weigh 227 and can't believe that I do... It's a hard pill to swallow. I have tried so many things that never work. I love to work out and I eat fairly healthy... unless I am emotional then healthy goes out the window:( BUT my hormones are also so screwed up that it makes it damn near impossible to lose anything.
If we didn't have little's to worry about I would say lets totally try out for biggest loser together;) Let's see those trainers get 100 lbs off of crazy hormonal infertile women!! I dont even care that it is me just put someone on that show who actually has to battle against this kind of thing. It just seems impossible.
Anyways Good luck in EVERYTHING that you are doing and I will be cheering you on with my big ole flabby arms in the air givin you a woop woop Arsenio Hall style;)

Ben and Kristen Call said...

GO KENNA GO!!!! You can do this! I am excited to read about your journey, good luck and I will be rooting for you!!!!

Julia said...

Ugh, I just typed out this super awesome, inspirational comment, and it's GONE! lame-o. So I'll try to be super inspirational again. (But just imagine it better than it actually is, because it's never as good the second time around)

Ok, You. Are. Inspiring!! What I know is if you can go through all of those surgeries, drugs, tumor(plural) and junk, etc, you can take back your body!! I would hope that in retrospect, the weight loss would be easier and more rewarding than the emotional crap, surgeries, drugs, etc have done to you.
AND, if you've been able to come out on top after all of that...You can for sure loose the weight and take charge. You are just that amazing and powerful!

And you're right, weight is just a number. What does it mean? Maybe all this time it has meant Courage, Strength and Life because you are now on the other side of all that difficulty the past few years have given to you. And you're alive! And the next step in the journey is simply to loose the weight. It's only a step in the process. Ok now I'm getting sappy....

But really, I have some tricks and recipes if you're interested. I have some work out videos and apps to suggest to break up the p90x (I know it can be intense and overwhelming at times).

You rock girl!
And good luck!

Loves,
J

Jewls said...

We'll all be here cheering for you!! You got this girl!

Landon and Kylie said...

1 - You are beautiful
2 - All the support you want. Right here. Good luck!

Lechelle said...

I took one med that made me gain 25 lbs in two months, and then I had to stay on that for 1.5 years and it was all I could do to not gain on top of that. I can't imagine what going through all the crap you've been through would do to a body. I just broke out the p90X this week, but I've only got 3 of them and I need to get the rest. I also need to get rest so I can get going on them!

I'm cheering for you Kenna. Everyone knows you are a fighter. Celebrate each pound you lose. Celebrate each fraction of a pound.

I wish I lived near you for so many reasons, one now is I wish we could be workout buddies.

Eames Evolution said...

I say you go Kenna...go for that goal. You have achieved so much in your life and have learned and helped educate so many countless others.

You remind me of an analogy I learned once about the construction of a skyscraper.In order to keep that structure secure a foundation needs to be dug deep into the earth to give it stability when it reaches its heights so that it doesn't topple over. You my dear have been digging deep for quite a few years with trial after trial, and now you are ready to reach your heights and stand tall and firm, unwavering if you will :)The challenges didn't bury you or break you, but they made you the woman who you are today.

As far as weight loss goes check this book out it is the BEST thing I have ever come across and has changed my life "Body Confidence" By Mark Macdonald. This book transforms and is not another yo-yo diet.

Kristin said...

I hereby commit to celebrating every. single. pound.

You totally rock. I'm 100% impressed.

Shannon said...

Kenna, 3 things:
1. what is an mcrib? I'm not hip on my lingo...
2. You are beautiful AND a fighter, so you can totally take this.
3. no one is EVER just "that fat chick". Every person, no matter what the weight issue (lack of it, an abundance of the chubbies, whatever) is dealing with something that is causing it..be it emotional, physical, or both. No on should ever, ever have that cross their mind. And if they do, they're lame-o.
4. (okay, I had 4 things to say). You have rockin' fashion sense. So, You're beautiful and fab and blow most people out of the water any day of the week, no matter what numbers show up on the scale. Now that's class.

Nicole said...

I would love to be a cheerleader in your section! I saw your P90X post on FB and I have several friends who love it and have had great success with it. I think that is a great way to go. Just keep thinking, that as long as you're moving, you are still lapping everybody on the couch.

Tina said...

I'm thinking I'd like to join you on this journey...seriously!

Jen Nelson said...

You can do anything! Let me know when you need a cheerleader!

Also, have you heard of green smoothies?? changed my life as far as eating better and having more energy! I've been off soda for over a month now!

Love you!

Leslie said...

Wow, I am loving these comments. You have so many awesome cheerleaders! We are all behind you, ready to celebrate every small victory.

P.S. 133 or 227--you. are. beautiful.

Heather said...

You are beautiful. Period.

And you can do this. I'm glad you're doing it for you.

Serenity said...

Girl, you have been to hell and back. You are SO strong. Those pounds don't have a CHANCE in this fight.

Will be here, reading.

xoxo

Cali said...

Kenna,

You got this handled. Kick Ass girl!

Cali

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