Thursday, January 5, 2012 the moon and back, missy...

five years.


i'm taken aback by what the past five years have held for me and studly.  for our families and for our future.  so much loss, so many challenges.  yet, amidst all the struggle, some of the sweetest triumphs.  i know my life is a blessed life.  so much so that i feel so undeserving.  however, i don't ask questions and i take the wonders life gives me.  

five years ago i went into labor with our sweet daughter, addalyn.  this experience hurt so badly, so deeply, that i truly thought i would not recover.  breathing hurt.  it literally hurt my body to breathe.  to move.  to feel.  to think ahead more than a few seconds.  never did i think i would be in that situation.  delivering my dead daughter and saying goodbye so soon.  my heart broke in so many places, in so many ways that day.  i was hurting to the tips of my fingers and back.  sigh.  simply put, as i have stated in the past, it was awful.

as much as i thought it was impossible, breathing got easier.  living got easier.    it didn't take days or weeks.  it took years.  lots of soul searching.  lots of praying to a god i wasn't sure existed.  sure enough, as much as i was certain i would be broken forever, i healed.  the pain eased.  my heart, while left scarred, was soothed and stitched.  

i'm not going to tell you that i am glad or grateful for what happened.  i'm not.  i would have much rather learned things an easier way, a different way, any way but that way.  it was harrowing.  however, i will tell you that i have learned many useful and important lessons from that little lady.  

i have learned how to love deeper, wider.  i have more empathy, more compassion.  i know that i am stronger than i ever could have imagined.  this experience taught me that i can handle tragedy, and when the pain of loss came into our lives again, as much as i hated to admit it, i knew that eventually i would be okay.  i didn't want to be okay because it didn't seem right to just, 'be okay' after losing kate, after all the surgeries, all the pain; but i survived.  i knew i would be able to wake up and see the sun again, see hope again.  

so no, i am not grateful for the experience of losing my first born, but i am grateful for what it taught me.  

to our sweet addie baby; we love you.  you are not forgotten here.  

addalyn leise shumway
january 5, 2007
11:50 pm

photo by jenny wheeler

thank you to my sweet friends, lindsey, leisha and kimmie.  this is the picture i keep in my house to remember her.  the nurses gave us the option of having our picture taken with her and some taken of her, but i refused.  i cursed them to hell and demanded they leave my room.  so while i have ultrasound pictures, and we did take one photo of her that has some how gotten lost in the shuffle, this has been the best way for me to keep her close.  i love you ladies.

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AubreyMo said...

Beautifully written. Thinking of you and your sweet girl on her angelversary.


Kristina P. said...

I'm sure she is beautiful, even now.

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

Thinking of you today.

dust and kam said...

sending all my love.

Amanda and Shaye Scott said...

This is beautiful, k! You're an awesome lady!

Leslie said...

Also thinking of you today. Did I ever tell you you're my hero? (Maybe I should sing that to you the next time I see you.) (Seriously though, you ARE my hero.)

ColleenaMareena said...

I'm so sorry Kenna. This freakin' sucks.

I'm so glad you made it through, even though not really in one piece, and not at all the same as you were. I'm mostly a lurker, but just wanted to tell you that you are awesome.

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