Thursday, April 12, 2012

...the heart wants what it wants...

but what if you can't decipher what it wants?

what if you spend hours upon hours, even into the breaking light of morning, trying to discern what it longs for?

what if even after all of that, you come up empty? just as confused as you were when you started. maybe even more so because you just spent hours talking in circles. no more ahead of the game as you were before. 

i've never been good at translating what goes on between my heart and my head. most of the time i claim, 'lost in translation' and toss any thoughts and feelings i've had aside. it seems easier that way. less headaches. less heartaches. less guessing.

however, that's all i can do and all i have been doing. taking stabs into the dark on what it is my heart is trying to convey to me. i feel something stirring, but when i try to get near it, my brain takes a defensive stance and will not allow me anywhere near it. as i try and side step around my subconscious attempts to protect me from whatever it is i'm searching for, anxiety builds. 

then it builds some more.

and more.

until i'm so overwhelmed i can't help but allow tears to spill onto my cheeks. 

'it doesn't make sense!' is all that escapes my lips, and i'm usually startled by how desperate my voice sounds. then starts the whole cycle again, except now i'm so frustrated and embarrassed at my feelings that i can hardly stand it. 

'i shouldn't feel this way,' i think. 'i have so much, i could never want for anything again.' 

i do have so much. more than i ever dreamed and surely more than i deserve. i'm thankful every. single. moment. for my husband, my son, for our lives together. 

but what if something is missing?

what if someone is missing?

what if i lack the courage to find out?

or maybe, what if i don't have the luxury to think that way?

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Ashley said...

Oh, Kenna. My heart feels the same. I wish you the best in finding what it is that will set i right. My head and heart have been battling fiercely for the past 6 months, but more so this last month. What do you trust? I empathize with you. I hope your prayers are answered soon and the two are reconciled!

Serenity said...

Just listen. Tell your head to stop talking about the shoulds and should nots.

And just listen to what your heart is saying.

The way I look at it is that I NEED to understand how I feel; too much of my life has been spent unhappy because I try to ignore my feelings, intellectualize them away, put them aside in a dark corner of my brain. And I'm completely miserable.

So what I've tried to do now? Just listen. Reserve judgment.

The thing is. If something's missing, acknowledging is the first step to really accepting it. To not being held prisoner to your emotions.

You ARE lucky. But you are UNlucky, too. And it's okay to want more. Or NOT want more. Or want something different.


shannon slayton said...

Kalea is sitting on my lap as I read this and she saw Boogs picture on the side and she smiled and giggled at him and shook her head in a yes motion;) Either she thinks he's hot or she is saying "go for it Kenna I approve!"

I know how you feel. The mere thought of trying infertility treatments or adoption sends me into a tailspin. But at the same time my heart longs to grow our family and give Kalea a sibling. I am not sure what is right. All I know is right now I can't make a decision.
It's ok to sit on it for a while until you are fully ready. Heart and mind;)
much love to you Kenna;) Just keep communicating with the Lord and you can't go wrong.

-Special Mothertivity- said...

I agree with Shannon above. Just hold to the Lord and his spirit will guide you.
If one of the reasons is of grad school that's keeping you, I am here to tell you that the Lord will provide a way. If he wants something to happen for your family and you are open to it, grad school will not stand in the way. As for other barriers, what ever they may be, the Lord will open a way for his will for your family to be.
As for me, I believe that when strong feeling are beyond reason, it is the spirit of the Lord prompting you. It is that way so that we will know and see the Lord's hand in what is happening.
Praying for you and your sweet family! xo

Amy said...

Kenna, m'dearie, you are awesome. And have crazy, olympic amounts of strengh and honesty. I'm grateful for posts like yours because the thing is...I know what you are talking about here. Totally. And at least for me, I don't know that there ever is an ultimate answer or reconciling of the two. Or they co-exist in an ever-changing balance. Either way, you are better-equipped than most to handle the dilemmas and figure it all out.

Kylie said...

Oh friend. You are in my prayers. Sometimes it's ok to not know. You'll get there someday.

Que and Brittany are Hoping to Adopt! said...

I SO get this.

Mandy Lackey said...

whatever it is, you got this. :)

i was on the fence about a particular topic myself. trying to figure out what side I was on created a lot of anxiety.

i came to the conclusion that if it was really that important to me (or if God intended that path for me), it would break through and become a full-blooming desire, giving me the ache and longing to seal my decision... something tangible enough to hang on to in case things got tough. from that point, nothing happened and i gave myself permission to let it be for now.

i hope and pray that you can get some sort of direction soon, kenna. hang in there!

Anonymous said...

it will come to you. you will finally know what it is. you may be being prepped for it. i wish you knew what it was at this moment.

i know how you feel. i'm always here whenever you need a friend to talk to. :)

TeriAnn said...

Call me or facebook me anytime. i am always good for a chat. Love ya.

leisha said...

I know that feeling all too well. When there seem to be barries to actually make things happen it makes my mind go in a thousand directions and I love to analyze and I analyze the heck out of every possibility until my head is spinning off my neck and chew my husband's ears off until he is wondering how I got there in the first place.

What I do know is that sometimes we have to allow our heart to talk our head into things that otherwise wouldn't seem rational in our analytical minds. Trust that His plan will take us beyond the greatest possibilities that we can dream up because I know it does {now to remind my wandering mind of that often}.

Love you. Love your gutts. I am still waiting for that playdate ;-)

Richard and McKenna said...

I have been feeling very similar feelings. I feel like we are missing someone. And I can't get that thought out of my head. But I am not sure I could handle 3 kids in 3 years. We make decisions about our future and yet I still come back to the little feelings that have been stirring for a couple months. This is when I wish I could see into the future. Good luck with figuring out our stirrings :)

Nicole said...

Oh Kenna you are preaching to the choir right now. I am in the middle of a conundrum so big it is swallowing me whole.

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