Saturday, July 7, 2012

...when my life gets the best of me...

it's been a really hard week.

well, how about i tell you about the best part of my week. boog has been hanging out with both sets of grandparent's this week. riding the four wheeler at gram and papa's, riding tractors and grandma and grandpa's. basically my little guy has been having the time of his life. when i would talk to him on the phone each night, the conversation would go something like this...

mom : hey buddy, i miss you!

boog : mama, i rode the motorcycle, and swim in the pool, and rode the motorcycle, and ate a cookie, and rode the motorcycle.

mom : sounds like fun, buddy. i miss you.

boog : motorcycle went to bed, but i ride the motorcycle tomorrow with papa, okay?

mom : okay, boog. i love you.

boog : the motorcycle is sleeping, mom. bye.

i've missed him. even though it has been great to have the help, you know, since i can't even sit up by myself, i've been quite sad about not hearing his lightening speed feet running around the house.

so today was the best of my week because i heard a little knock on the door and in bursts my little boog man. running as fast as he can saying, 'mama! MAMA!'

oh just kill me with your adorable little voice, boog man.

he jumped right onto my bed, grinning ear to ear, and gave me the best. hug. ever.

'i lub you mama, i lub you!'

then he hugged me again. tightly around my neck, snuggling his face against mine.

now, i confess, i've cried a lot this week. mostly out of frustration and pain, but the tears that came in this moment were tears of joy.

i love my son. there is just no other way to put it. even as i type this, tears are welling up in my eyes. he is a gift. no, 'gift' doesn't even do him justice. boog is what i have dreamed about for six years, and continue to dream about every night because i cannot believe he is mine.

so, back to the hard week.

surgery on monday. it went well. all was fixed, and as you can see in the post prior, it looked like they tried to cut me up with a machete. maybe that is a new technique. i've been spending a lot of time sleeping in bed, watching downton abbey, and trying not to sneeze, cough, blow my nose, or, you know, breathe. basically, it hurts. bad.

now, at least with me, i get a little something called, 'surgery depression.' yes, totally a thing. even my shrink says so. the first night home i bent over my pillow and sobbed. sure, i was hurting physically and there is nothing that sucks more than surgery. (or, you know, four surgeries in two years) however, most of my tears came from pains of the past. infertility, addalyn, kate, hysterectomy, sterility, the fact that studly and i want to add another little one to our family so badly, give boog a sibling so badly, and we have no way to just, 'do it.' no barry white, no hot night in bed.

you see, we handed in our adoption application about a month ago. it took a lot of convincing from others to help me build the guts to do so, and trust me, in my heart of hearts this is what i want, but i was too. freaking. scared. nevertheless, i handed them in. we are ready to start this crazy process again, regardless of the pains that might follow.

then the pain started. then doctors appointments. then surgery. then no more adoption papers because we have too much going on and i need a clean bill of health before we can proceed. so, after talking with my case worker, they shred our current application.


yes, after we settle in ohio we will find a way to start again, but that's the thing. start again. start this whole insane process all over again. the applications, the interviews, the cash, the waiting, the possible heartbreak.

lately i've seen a slew of pregnancy announcements, births, adoption placements, couples being chosen by birth mothers. this is all wonderful. such beautiful things happening in the lives of beautiful people.

however, i hurt. not because they have so much happiness happening in their lives, but because i want to figure out how to get that in my life again too. oh, my friends, i want a sibling for boog. he would make such an amazing big brother.

can i tell you a story?

i went to lunch with a lovely friend of mine, jill. did i mention she is lovely?

jill has an adorable little girl, three months old, who joined us for lunch. well, by joined i mean slept soundly in her car seat will boog was dumping tic tacs all over the table, bothering those in the booths behind us, and you know, being his normal crazy self. however, when boog saw emma, he gently touched her little toes and said, 'sweet baby! awwww, so sweet.' boog couldn't keep his eyes off of her. he was so calm and tender with this little baby, and quite honestly, i couldn't believe it. it made my heart soar because my son amazes me every day. then, it made my heart break, because boog is starting to wonder why we don't have a baby. he often tells me that he needs a baby girl and that her name is pink.

oh how i wish i could explain to him why he doesn't have a sister. (or brother, we aren't picky here) hell, i wish i could explain all this to my heart, because it doesn't understand any of this either.

i know i have boog, and he fills my heart with joy daily, but studly and i know there is something someone missing.

sigh, and it makes me cry, because i don't know how to get them here.

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shannon slayton said...

Oh sweet Kenna. I know the exact feeling. I would love nothing more than give Kalea a sibling. we have no idea how to get there either. Adoption, more IVF? Not sure. where will we get the $ for either, how can our hearts handle another failed adoption or miscarriage? The road is oh so scary.
I feel like there is someone missing too. My heart aches for some sense of peace on the subject but alas, it's chaos.
Anyways I am sorry you are hurting inside, physically and emotionally. I wish I could take it all away from you my friend. BUT I know what an amazing person you are because you have been through hell and back. Funny... you wouldn't hink going to hell would make you an angel;) BUT nonetheless you are one.
Hang in there. Heal up. In the meantime know you have a friend in New England praying for you and hoping for you that maybe this time around it won't be as rough.

The Jensens said...

Ugh! My heart is aching for you! Post-surgery depression is definitely real, been there, done that just like you.

You are so much stronger than you know! It might not seem like it right now but you definitely are.

love ya hun *hugs*

Julia said...

I adore you and your raw words. You inspire me. I know you're hurting right now, physically and emotionally. You're the strongest person I know. I think about you often, I pray for you and your family and I sent my lovely team of angels to help you heal and provide strength and comfort.

Thank you for your sincere words. I know they come from your heart and you melodically process them before you post. I adore you.

No machete could cut through your strength and love.

Whitney said...

Kenna, you are amazing. I seriously just hurt for all you are going through. And you have been in my prayers.

And as a side note, that conversation with Boog made me laugh out loud. That is too cute!

I hope you get feeling better soon sweet girl!

Anonymous said...

I don't even know you but I just had to tell you how amazed I am by you. With everything you've been through, you still have such a great attitude and are so hilarious! Your little guy is so lucky to have you. Thanks for being such an inspirationt so many.

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